Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 17:46     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Wow tough crowd here. I'm sorry for my wording, I'm no misogynist and my religion isn't the only reason I won't entertain divorce. Thank you to the 2-3 posters with serious/helpful replies. I have expressed my unhappiness to my wife several times, hence asking her to go to couples counseling with me. I haven't threatened her with divorce because I think she'd know it's a veiled threat. I guess I can try to offer ultimatums, but it seems nonsensical to make threats that I don't intend to follow through with if my expectations aren't met.
You are very wise to realize this. She isn't going to be threatened, bullied, or intimidated into magically finding her libido. She doesn't have a problem if you don't give her one. It's all your problem and there is no motivation for her want to change, just to make you happy.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 17:39     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I mean no offense, but you have come to the wrong forum. I think you'd find more helpful advice on a religious message board.
Yes, they will pray for you there. They will only rip you to shreds on this board. Either way, you aren't getting laid.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 17:39     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:"pray that she reconnects with me some day" is not a strategy. Inform her the marriage is open. Then start going out on sex dates. This is the ONLY way for you to avoid divorce.
That's pretty much the way to assure he will get divorced and the poor wife will get all the sympathy from their friends and family because he cheated on her. Gasp! Everyone is quick to place all the blame on a cheater for ruining a marriage. It's cliche. You never see people wagging their finger at the spouse who refused sex and shaming them for driving him/her cheat. Doesn't work that way. Even if he doesn't cheat and just decides to divorce, she will tell everyone that this just hit her by total surprise. She was always a perfect wife and she has no idea this was coming, or why. He's just a bad, bad, man who ran off and left her and her poor suffering children.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 17:33     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Divorce is off the table due to 2 elementary-aged children and our social life as a couple is deeply intertwined with our extended families and church community. We've been married for 15 years and our sex life has been non-existent (maybe 4-5x a year at most) for the last 5 years. We hardly touch and I sleep in the guest room. My wife is superficially friendly towards me but detached emotionally. She was't exactly warm or emotionally open to begin with, just 'pleasant.' This should've been a warning sign in the beginning but I was just happy to find an attractive, 'uncomplicated' woman. She didn't come into the relationship with any emotional baggage or glaring psychological issues so I thought I hit the jackpot.
Well at least you didn't string her along. You should be applauded for that. Otherwise, you are a narcissistic sociopath. I just learned that today. Yes, I am that guy.

Anonymous wrote:
I've tried everything I can possibly think of to re-ignite the spark of passion, including earning a six figure income, losing weight, taking her out for date-nights and showering her with gifts and flowers. I asked her to go to couples therapy with me or to speak with our pastor together but she says our personal life is no one else's business. I don't think she actually believes there's anything wrong with our marriage. I have sought out individual counseling but all I got out of it is that in order to transform my marriage, my wife has to believe there's a reason has to change it. She's comfortable with the way things are but I'm miserable.
I do pity you and so many married people. This is not a selling point for ever getting married again. Your sex life is held hostage by a spouse who doesn't care what it's doing to you. She is content. That's all that matters. You know deep down there is no hope for her to change her mind. Yep, I'm that guy too.


Anonymous wrote: I don't know what else to do except pray that she feels the need to reconnect with me one day.
I'd pray for you too and everyone else stuck in a sexless marriage, but it's not going to make a difference. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer. Some will say, you need to threaten her with...divorce, etc. That's not going to work unless you are serious enough to actually initiate it. Even then, the threat of divorce is not going to revive her libido. At best, she may give you some pity sex for a few months to shut you up. All you can do is work on yourself and where, she has detached physically, you need to detach emotionally. That said, you probably aren't getting any sex for at least several more years (and not with her) by what you've posted here.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 16:46     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Divorce is off the table due to 2 elementary-aged children and our social life as a couple is deeply intertwined with our extended families and church community. We've been married for 15 years and our sex life has been non-existent (maybe 4-5x a year at most) for the last 5 years. We hardly touch and I sleep in the guest room. My wife is superficially friendly towards me but detached emotionally. She was't exactly warm or emotionally open to begin with, just 'pleasant.' This should've been a warning sign in the beginning but I was just happy to find an attractive, 'uncomplicated' woman. She didn't come into the relationship with any emotional baggage or glaring psychological issues so I thought I hit the jackpot.

I've tried everything I can possibly think of to re-ignite the spark of passion, including earning a six figure income, losing weight, taking her out for date-nights and showering her with gifts and flowers. I asked her to go to couples therapy with me or to speak with our pastor together but she says our personal life is no one else's business. I don't think she actually believes there's anything wrong with our marriage. I have sought out individual counseling but all I got out of it is that in order to transform my marriage, my wife has to believe there's a reason has to change it. She's comfortable with the way things are but I'm miserable.

I'm ashamed to admit I've entertained the idea of having an affair but 1.) it goes against all of my moral principles 2.) I won't risk ruining my children's lives and 3.) I would rather have sex with my wife but she's not interested. I spend a lot of time in the gym and at work but it isn't enough to distract me from the loneliness and lack of basic, human connection.

We have open access to each other's phones, e-mails, etc. so I know she isn't having an affair. She's a stay-at-home mom and is fulfilled enough with her friendships and volunteer work. She's a good woman and a loving mother but is completely uninterested in being a good wife. I don't know what else to do except pray that she feels the need to reconnect with me one day.

I LOLed
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 16:13     Subject: Re:How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I've been there and I'm a woman. If I could have stayed I probably would, and yes I was in the guest room at that point, lol

He was making big life decisions without me then telling me to accept it, or he'd divorce me. I literally left him in another country and flew back home. He decided we were going to move to another country, yes I'm serious. Then when I wanted to divorce he was distraught. After years of threats and that kind of behavior from him...he was shocked. I really tried to work with him, but it was too late. Honestly, the lack of sex was the least of my problems. In your case I'd stay especially because of the kids, and at least she's "pleasant".


No-this is terrible advice. It is true that are many ways that your terrible marriage where you're miserable and your wife doesn't care could be worse. She could try to kidnap the kids. She could run you over with her car. She could be a cannibal. All of those things would be worse. That doesn't mean that you should spend the rest of your life in a terrible marriage because you are afraid some mutual friend in your religious community will get mad.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 16:03     Subject: Re:How to survive an unhappy marriage?
I've been there and I'm a woman. If I could have stayed I probably would, and yes I was in the guest room at that point, lol

He was making big life decisions without me then telling me to accept it, or he'd divorce me. I literally left him in another country and flew back home. He decided we were going to move to another country, yes I'm serious. Then when I wanted to divorce he was distraught. After years of threats and that kind of behavior from him...he was shocked. I really tried to work with him, but it was too late. Honestly, the lack of sex was the least of my problems. In your case I'd stay especially because of the kids, and at least she's "pleasant".
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 16:02     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Divorce is off the table due to 2 elementary-aged children and our social life as a couple is deeply intertwined with our extended families and church community. We've been married for 15 years and our sex life has been non-existent (maybe 4-5x a year at most) for the last 5 years. We hardly touch and I sleep in the guest room. My wife is superficially friendly towards me but detached emotionally. She was't exactly warm or emotionally open to begin with, just 'pleasant.' This should've been a warning sign in the beginning but I was just happy to find an attractive, 'uncomplicated' woman. She didn't come into the relationship with any emotional baggage or glaring psychological issues so I thought I hit the jackpot.

I've tried everything I can possibly think of to re-ignite the spark of passion, including earning a six figure income, losing weight, taking her out for date-nights and showering her with gifts and flowers. I asked her to go to couples therapy with me or to speak with our pastor together but she says our personal life is no one else's business. I don't think she actually believes there's anything wrong with our marriage. I have sought out individual counseling but all I got out of it is that in order to transform my marriage, my wife has to believe there's a reason has to change it. She's comfortable with the way things are but I'm miserable.

I'm ashamed to admit I've entertained the idea of having an affair but 1.) it goes against all of my moral principles 2.) I won't risk ruining my children's lives and 3.) I would rather have sex with my wife but she's not interested. I spend a lot of time in the gym and at work but it isn't enough to distract me from the loneliness and lack of basic, human connection.

We have open access to each other's phones, e-mails, etc. so I know she isn't having an affair. She's a stay-at-home mom and is fulfilled enough with her friendships and volunteer work. She's a good woman and a loving mother but is completely uninterested in being a good wife. I don't know what else to do except pray that she feels the need to reconnect with me one day.


The truth is, OP, you don't get to be a martyr. You are choosing to stay married due to your children and church life. You are not trapped, you are not abused, you are not in poverty, you are making a choice. You "survive" by reminding yourself of that every day. "I am here because I choose to be here. I choose to stay in a marriage that is not satisfying to me for these reasons."

You cannot control your wife's behavior. You can control yourself. You are choosing to stay. If your reasons aren't good enough, then move forward with a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 16:00     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
PP here-I am not trying to bash you or put you down, but I think that you really need to explore this decision not to get married. Your religious community will forgive you. Your kids aren't being well served by a marriage where you're lonely and you're setting a bad example by settling for a miserable marriage.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 15:58     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Can you talk more about why divorce is off the table? Lots of people, even religious people, get divorced. Their kids do fine. You will do fine. You have only one life-do you want to spend the next fifty years celibate and lonely?
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 15:44     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Divorce is off the table due to 2 elementary-aged children and our social life as a couple is deeply intertwined with our extended families and church community. We've been married for 15 years and our sex life has been non-existent (maybe 4-5x a year at most) for the last 5 years. We hardly touch and I sleep in the guest room. My wife is superficially friendly towards me but detached emotionally. She was't exactly warm or emotionally open to begin with, just 'pleasant.' This should've been a warning sign in the beginning but I was just happy to find an attractive, 'uncomplicated' woman. She didn't come into the relationship with any emotional baggage or glaring psychological issues so I thought I hit the jackpot.

I've tried everything I can possibly think of to re-ignite the spark of passion, including earning a six figure income, losing weight, taking her out for date-nights and showering her with gifts and flowers. I asked her to go to couples therapy with me or to speak with our pastor together but she says our personal life is no one else's business. I don't think she actually believes there's anything wrong with our marriage. I have sought out individual counseling but all I got out of it is that in order to transform my marriage, my wife has to believe there's a reason has to change it. She's comfortable with the way things are but I'm miserable.

I'm ashamed to admit I've entertained the idea of having an affair but 1.) it goes against all of my moral principles 2.) I won't risk ruining my children's lives and 3.) I would rather have sex with my wife but she's not interested. I spend a lot of time in the gym and at work but it isn't enough to distract me from the loneliness and lack of basic, human connection.

We have open access to each other's phones, e-mails, etc. so I know she isn't having an affair. She's a stay-at-home mom and is fulfilled enough with her friendships and volunteer work. She's a good woman and a loving mother but is completely uninterested in being a good wife. I don't know what else to do except pray that she feels the need to reconnect with me one day.


This doesn't add up. So you are a person who wants a close emotional relationship with a significant other (totally reasonable) and so you picked someone to marry who you never had a close emotional connection with? Why? How did this seem like hitting the jackpot?

I don't understand how this seemed fine at one point and now is not. Is it really just that she stopped having sex with you? Because if that's it, just call a spade a spade and try to address that.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 15:44     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow tough crowd here. I'm sorry for my wording, I'm no misogynist and my religion isn't the only reason I won't entertain divorce. Thank you to the 2-3 posters with serious/helpful replies. I have expressed my unhappiness to my wife several times, hence asking her to go to couples counseling with me. I haven't threatened her with divorce because I think she'd know it's a veiled threat. I guess I can try to offer ultimatums, but it seems nonsensical to make threats that I don't intend to follow through with if my expectations aren't met.


I do not understand the no divorce? You said it’s not completely my religion.

Your children are little this unhappiness will take its toll. Kids are super smart.

It must not be financially feasible?

If you want this to work you both need therapy and not sure that will help.

You will wake up one morning and she will file .



They are happy as a family and get along well. She just doesn't want sex, and he does.

It's easy to divorce, the fallout is really hard. The 2nd marriage divorce rate is even higher.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 15:43     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
So what you are saying is that you want more sex? Not really an emotional revival? Buy her some gaba supplements, it might work.
Also, how bad are you at sex? Meaning at doing your duty to her? Most women just give up as their husbands are utterly clueless and heck, even when you tell them, show them, next time they can't do it right, again. I wouldn't be up for something that was a boring duty.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 15:38     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
From your post it doesn’t sound like she really gets that there’s a serious problem.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2020 15:38     Subject: How to survive an unhappy marriage?
Keep the church out of your marriage
Don’t cheat
Do tell her that you need couples’ therapy or divorce
She loves you but is not in love with you