Anonymous wrote:No snark just support. Yes people do it and yes it is incredibly hard.

+1

It is very, very hard. It will get better.

If your DH works 9-5, he should be doing pick up. Two days a week, try to get home for bedtime, but stay late the other three nights. You are screwing your whole week over getting home for bedtime. That will allow you to catch up during the week and be less stressed on your two nights home and your weekends. It’s not reasonable to do pick up every day on Big Law.

How are your billable hours compared to target? If you're working 13 hours a day (9-5 and then 7-12) and not exceeding your billable hours requirement, there's a problem there. If you're working well in excess of your billable target, then that's a different issue to address.

Agree with PP - I have a 2 and 4 year old in daycare and DH has always handled pick up. The volume of e-mail that comes in between 5-7 almost equals the entire rest of the day.

It is easier when they stay up a little later - but for a while I only saw them to kiss goodnight.

Anonymous wrote:It's somewhat sad to me that you are frustrated over not being able to give your job enough attention, but I think it's kind of tragic that you aren't getting to really enjoy your baby or the baby really enjoy you. I'm totally not trying to be snarky either. I just think every baby needs that and every parent should make it work if they possibly can financially.

I know you said you can't quit now but you could if you were willing to sacrifice to have this time with your baby. Do you really think it wouldn't be worth it? Do you really think it's not worth the hit on your career? Sigh.

I assume her husband (you know, the baby's parent) is spending plenty of time with the baby.

I feel sad about this post, but mainly I feel sad for OP who has been sold a bill of good about being a lawyer & the economic arrangements entailed. OP, you can quit, you really can. If you're an anxious person already, you especially have to quit.

OP I’m in biglaw with two kids. I had my first in law school so I’ve never known it any other way.

A nanny won’t necessarily make it better especially since your baby is doing well. Nannies have sick days, vacations, and also a quitting time just like a closing daycare.

I personally can’t leave at 5 so I don’t do pickup. My workflow just would never allow that. I have an au pair but it sounds like your DH can do it.

IME law firms are relatively chill about you coming in late. I’d keep using your mornings like you do but stay later so you’re not up til midnight every night.

Juniors should not be giving you shit. Not all firms have that kind of defective culture. I have moved firms twice making sure my culture is working for me. Just because you want to leave your firm doesn’t mean you need to leave biglaw and the paycheck.

OP, this is the hardest time. If you can tough it out, you'll start getting more sleep which makes all the difference. When your child get older and stops trying to kill themselves constantly with everyday objects, things relax even more.

Now if you decide to have a second child...

I’m in big law and my my husband and I split shift — I get to hang with kid in morning until nanny arrives at 8:30, and he’s home by 5 and puts her to bed by 7:30. Some evenings I don’t see my daughter ... which, to be honest, I actually prefer to seeing her for 15 minutes right before bed, as that invariably tends to rile her up and make bedtime harder. It also gives me some freedom to knock more work out between 5 and 9 pm (and have dinner at my desk, I’ll usually order enough for my and my husband) and actually have some time to spend with my husband/watch mindless tv/sleep. On days that I don’t have too much to finish, I’ll come home earlier and then log back on for an hour in the evening. I also try to be somewhat productive during my kid’s naps on weekends, as that usually allows me to come home on the early end on Mondays. It’s been working well for us, though I only get 2 hours a day with my daughter and sometimes wish for more. I’m not sure it’ll be possible with a second kiddo, might be too hard to handle both at one time? May not work as the kids get older and dinner together becomes more important. I assume I’ll reduce my schedule to 80 or 90% then to take some of the pressure off.
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Anonymous wrote:Better yet — a nanny you pay a lot for and is willing to do laundry and start dinner. If you find someone capable in all areas and who you like, pay them well and you can keep them forever and just the job will slightly morph.

Absolutely this. A nanny will let you stay late once in a while which may alleviate your overall stress

Anonymous wrote:You have to decide who is going to be the default parent. It sounds like you make most of the money, so it’s going to have to be your DH. If you’re breastfeeding, go to formula so DH can do most of the feeding.

Basically, if you need to keep that job, think like a man. Your “wife” takes care of all that. If that’s not going to do, look for something else and realize you will take a lifestyle cut.

+1. And the nanny.

Better yet — a nanny you pay a lot for and is willing to do laundry and start dinner. If you find someone capable in all areas and who you like, pay them well and you can keep them forever and just the job will slightly morph.

You have to decide who is going to be the default parent. It sounds like you make most of the money, so it’s going to have to be your DH. If you’re breastfeeding, go to formula so DH can do most of the feeding.

Basically, if you need to keep that job, think like a man. Your “wife” takes care of all that. If that’s not going to do, look for something else and realize you will take a lifestyle cut.

It's somewhat sad to me that you are frustrated over not being able to give your job enough attention, but I think it's kind of tragic that you aren't getting to really enjoy your baby or the baby really enjoy you. I'm totally not trying to be snarky either. I just think every baby needs that and every parent should make it work if they possibly can financially.

I know you said you can't quit now but you could if you were willing to sacrifice to have this time with your baby. Do you really think it wouldn't be worth it? Do you really think it's not worth the hit on your career? Sigh.

Definitely get a nanny.

OP. Thanks all. Yes, can afford a nanny. I've thought about it, mainly because when I get daycare plague, which is often, this all becomes a straight nightmare. I've hesitated though because baby seems to be doing well at daycare (eats well, sleeps well, has a good routine down, and seems happy) and I'm afraid of making the switch and regretting it. I'm also scared of having just one person take care of her rather than several adults around for accountability (may not be rational, I have bad anxiety, but that's the main thing holding me back). But maybe I need to put more effort into finding someone trustworthy.

Thanks for the other tips. I really like the idea of going DND from 5-7, though let's see if I have the balls to do it.