Anonymous wrote:OP here. Everyone has been very thoughtful in responding even with disagreement, and I truly appreciate it. I know it could have gone the other direction.

It's given me food for thought. I am trying to find a balance. Maybe it's not feasible in this "day and age" to completely eliminate the words / phrases I was never allowed to say.

Honest question. To me, getting in trouble at school is a massively big deal. Anything that puts you in the teacher's cross hairs deserves attention at home. Is that not something that bothers others in a particular context, like this one?

I think you need to change your opinion on the bolded sentence. Sometimes, the teacher is just telling you something - not always because the kid needs to be punished for it.

Your daughter did something that was inappropriate, yes. It was also age appropriate for her to make that mistake. She was told at school not to do it again, she probably won't, no worries.

This is so normal, OP. My 6 year old kindergartner and his friends find it hysterical to say butt, poop, penis, etc. He's told us that if they say it on the playground and a teacher hears them they have to stand against the fence for a bit. Seems fine to me. We give similar punishments at home (first time is a reminder to knock it off, second time is a warning for a time out, third time is the time out for 10 mins up in his room) but it's not a big deal. Honestly I am surprised that your daughter was sent to the principal's office instead of just being told to knock it off, but I suppose if she said it as part of Simon Says in a class exercise, directing everyone else to do it, the teacher wanted to make a point. Still, the point has been made. I'd just talk to her about it to make sure she understands why she can't use those words in that context, and then let it go.

Anonymous wrote:OP when I was in second grade, I pulled down another boy's pants. I'm pretty sure he was my first crush.

I got in so much trouble at school for it.

When I got home, my Dad sat me down and told me the school had called and they wanted me to be the one to tell him what I did. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. It took me probably an hour to get it out. And you know what? My Dad, who I was scared of telling because he could get ANGRY, was so nice about it. He told me some of the things he did when he was young and got in trouble for.

He knew I knew it was wrong. And he knew I was humiliated and ashamed. He knew I had already been punished. And I will never forget how kind he was to me that day. That he made me feel ok. Like a normal kid who messes up sometimes, instead of feeling like a bad, sick person who needed more punishment.

aw, your dad is sweet.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the confirmation. The rational part of me knows it is likely an overreaction, but I also need to her to understand she can never do anything like that again. The abuse part was really a little voice in my head to the bigger voice about this likely being a general behavioral lapse.

My parents overheard me say "damn" once when I was playing a sport, on the field, and I was grounded (including no electronics, no going outside but for school, etc.) for a month. Harsh, yes, but it worked. I would never do anything that extreme with her as she's five, but I don't want her to think it's NBD or not memorable.

Your parents were abusive. That's a crazy reaction to a child saying "damn" while playing sports!

The more you try to shut down something normal (5-6 year olds talking about body parts) the more they're gonna do stuff like this, OP. I'm not saying that you need to tolerate language you find inappropriate, but the correct route is to just ignore it. Freaking out over it gives her bad messages about her body, and also just reinforces the behavior as interesting.

OP when I was in second grade, I pulled down another boy's pants. I'm pretty sure he was my first crush.

I got in so much trouble at school for it.

When I got home, my Dad sat me down and told me the school had called and they wanted me to be the one to tell him what I did. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. It took me probably an hour to get it out. And you know what? My Dad, who I was scared of telling because he could get ANGRY, was so nice about it. He told me some of the things he did when he was young and got in trouble for.

He knew I knew it was wrong. And he knew I was humiliated and ashamed. He knew I had already been punished. And I will never forget how kind he was to me that day. That he made me feel ok. Like a normal kid who messes up sometimes, instead of feeling like a bad, sick person who needed more punishment.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Everyone has been very thoughtful in responding even with disagreement, and I truly appreciate it. I know it could have gone the other direction.

It's given me food for thought. I am trying to find a balance. Maybe it's not feasible in this "day and age" to completely eliminate the words / phrases I was never allowed to say.

Honest question. To me, getting in trouble at school is a massively big deal. Anything that puts you in the teacher's cross hairs deserves attention at home. Is that not something that bothers others in a particular context, like this one?

Before you assume that she "got in trouble", I would clarify with her teacher and the principal. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a policy that teacher's aren't allowed to discuss certain topics, so kids automatically go to the administrator's office for the conversation. That's CYA for the school and the teacher so some kid doesn't go home saying "Ms. Larlo was talking about VAGINAS AND PENISES at school today" and parents freak out over that. Any school will know this is developmentally normal behavior, and a guiding conversation about appropriateness isn't the same as "trouble."

School is MUCH different from when we were kids. Ask about this at your next parent teacher conference and see what her teachers think. I don't think they'd want you punishing her for every correction she gets during the day.

If you've taught your child the appropriate words for body parts and taken away the stigma around private parts, that's great! But think about it - you taught her the word, it's just another body part, and they were playing a game where people touch or move their body parts. In her mind, it's just another body part, and not at all inappropriate for the game. It's fine, just tell her that the parts under her swimsuit are not things she should talk about at school.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Everyone has been very thoughtful in responding even with disagreement, and I truly appreciate it. I know it could have gone the other direction.

It's given me food for thought. I am trying to find a balance. Maybe it's not feasible in this "day and age" to completely eliminate the words / phrases I was never allowed to say.

Honest question. To me, getting in trouble at school is a massively big deal. Anything that puts you in the teacher's cross hairs deserves attention at home. Is that not something that bothers others in a particular context, like this one?

To discipline means to teach. Use this as an opportunity to communicate with her and teach her. Everyone will win and you will turn something negative into something positive.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Everyone has been very thoughtful in responding even with disagreement, and I truly appreciate it. I know it could have gone the other direction.

It's given me food for thought. I am trying to find a balance. Maybe it's not feasible in this "day and age" to completely eliminate the words / phrases I was never allowed to say.

Honest question. To me, getting in trouble at school is a massively big deal. Anything that puts you in the teacher's cross hairs deserves attention at home. Is that not something that bothers others in a particular context, like this one?

She got in trouble at school. I assume that you and DH talked to her about it. For something like this? That's enough. Now if it happens again...id do a home punishment. Your mom obviously had more severe punishments, so that shapes how you handle punishments

OP here. Everyone has been very thoughtful in responding even with disagreement, and I truly appreciate it. I know it could have gone the other direction.

It's given me food for thought. I am trying to find a balance. Maybe it's not feasible in this "day and age" to completely eliminate the words / phrases I was never allowed to say.

Honest question. To me, getting in trouble at school is a massively big deal. Anything that puts you in the teacher's cross hairs deserves attention at home. Is that not something that bothers others in a particular context, like this one?

No punishment necessary. She used perfectly normal words for perfectly normal body parts. She got in trouble at school. Just remind her that touching private parts is for, well, private, not for school. Done.

Also, wait until about second grade, when potty humor really takes off.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the confirmation. The rational part of me knows it is likely an overreaction, but I also need to her to understand she can never do anything like that again. The abuse part was really a little voice in my head to the bigger voice about this likely being a general behavioral lapse.

My parents overheard me say "damn" once when I was playing a sport, on the field, and I was grounded (including no electronics, no going outside but for school, etc.) for a month. Harsh, yes, but it worked. I would never do anything that extreme with her as she's five, but I don't want her to think it's NBD or not memorable.

But what's the point of it working? If we knew each other, I'd probably find you uptight and too conservative for me to be comfortable around. I don't drop F-bombs at work or anything, but damn, hell, crap, etc. are all totally fine in my book.

OP, consider that she's pushing boundaries at school (started with "butt", got away with it, so pushed it a little further with "vagina") because she isn't clear about what is truly inappropriate and why - because you are SO strict with these things (which is your prerogative), that she knows she can't get clarification from you, so she's doing it in school. You say that you are strict with anatomically correct words, but that toilet humor isn't tolerated. To me, she sounds confused about when she can use the terms you insist on (rightly I might add, correct terms for body parts are important). Think about it from her perspective - it's okay to say, "my butt hurts", "touch your butt", "my vagina hurts", but not "touch your vagina."

Instead of being "mortified, concerned, enraged, disappointed", use this as an opportunity to truly think through WHY you find potty humor so offensive that you would punish so severely for it. Then if you can coherently articulate that, then figure out how to explain it in a way a kindergartener will understand. If you can't, then you can certainly continue to calmly correct/educate her "that is potty humor and potty humor is not allowed in our house", but it truly doesn't seem fair to punish her for not meeting a standard she can't understand well enough to apply correctly going forward.

CALM DOWN. ^^^