Quantity time gets you quality time. Children may not want to express themselves on your designated time slot for engaged interactions. So be there and ready to actively listen to them even doing the most mundane things like walking to the mailbox or going grocery shopping together.

Anyone who tells you "all kids do X" or that they have a magic solution that will work with all kids just does not know enough kids. It's worth knowing what works with most kids, but also acknowledging that your kid may be different.

School years are about taking kids who are all very different persons, making them all do the same stuff at the same time in the same way for 13 years, even though at the end of the educational process, they will all lead very different lives and do a great variety of different things, at different times, in different ways.

Agree with everything about teaching independence.

Kindness and patience matter more than just about anything, and I wish I could be a better model in that regard.

Be flexible and roll with the punches. As PP noted (Starbucks story), it's often better to let go of your "rules" or how you thought you would raise the kids, and raise the kids you have in a way that meets them where they are. To use an analogy, if you thought you were growing roses, and it turns out you are growing a maple tree, you will not do well by that tree if you treat it as a rosebush and nothing you do will turn it into a rose bush. Once you see what you've got, you've got to adjust your expectation and approach, so that you can help that maple tree become a great and healthy maple tree. And the reality is, you probably won't really know what you're growing, until you're done.

Anonymous wrote:Make them do chores as soon as they are able!!

Yes, it is easier at times to do them yourself vs. arguing w/them about it.
But teaching them self-sufficiency is extremely important.
It will also teach them full responsibility as well.

Learning to maintain their living space, wash their own clothes + prepare their own meals on occasion are valuable tools that will definitely set them up for life.

This pp is so right. I fell down on this because as the kid got older and was capable of doing the chore it was just easier to keep doing it myself. But the point is that the kid doing the chore is about their learning good work habits, not about making your life easier.

It's your job to set limits with them. It's their job to get pissed off about it. You don't have to convince them that they should agree with you about the limits but neither should you get upset if they're upset with you. They're learning important truths even if they think you're wrong. Everyone may be pissed but everyone is doing their job.

Even if you’re not feeling great, let a smile be the first thing they see on your face when you see them in the morning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not shelter them in private schools. It's a big world out there, but it's only a scary one if you make it feel that way.
Make sure they're exposed to a diverse group of people, both economically and racially.

Private school was a godsend to our shy, academically-gifted son. He would have been bullied at the public middle school. Just another point of view.

+1

Manners, they will stand out in that respect.

Make them do chores as soon as they are able!!

Yes, it is easier at times to do them yourself vs. arguing w/them about it.
But teaching them self-sufficiency is extremely important.
It will also teach them full responsibility as well.

Learning to maintain their living space, wash their own clothes + prepare their own meals on occasion are valuable tools that will definitely set them up for life.

Anonymous wrote:Adding on to earlier post, build their resilience over time and each of your kids may get to it at different times and different ways.
As for my son I feel like during his HS years he really wanted to do things on his own and figure everything out and preferred listening to his friends. So I wish I had hammered in our core beliefs as a family much more than I did. Luckily, I’d say he does have a strong sense of right and wrong but there are a few lessons I needed to teach and not sure he’s receptive now.
Teach them to be authentic not a copy of what is popular.

What type of core values did you not hammer in that you wish you had?

Having a marketable SKILL can be just as rewarding and lucrative as a college education - maybe more.

I know master plumbers, electricians, mechanics, etc. who are making very good incomes and are more happy and have more freedom than people with degrees that have been useless.

So much is being replaced by tech and this will continue in the future. But NO robot or technology will be able to come in and fix a water leak or rewire your house!

Tell them the truth when they ask you hard questions. Always. They deserve it and can handle it.

Let them have feelings. Let having feelings be a thing you can do safely in your house.

Give them privacy for those thoughts and feelings if they need it. If they want to share something, listen.

Anonymous wrote:Do not shelter them in private schools. It's a big world out there, but it's only a scary one if you make it feel that way.
Make sure they're exposed to a diverse group of people, both economically and racially.

Disagree.

Choose your school carefully. The emphasis at our private on valuing your family has been so helpful. It has been great for our kid and her friends are just awesome. They are seniors this year and it has been so much fun celebrating the college acceptances as they roll in and the other milestones.

^ Agree, nothing wrong with being average. Being #1 comes with a lot more stress and effort; less of a balanced, happier life.

Find gratitude in the small things, they should provide daily examples.
Encourage being social, friendships are so important in the bumpy road of life.

Accept them for who they are. Don't compare them to their peers, relatives, or anyone else.

As your kids get older, they will pull away from you. Let them somewhat. I spent a year and a half getting my DD to talk to me by plying her with Starbucks. Would I prefer she not have the sugar? Yes. Would I prefer to not have to have spent that money? Yes. But I got insight into her day at school, her relationships with friends, and it was all totally worth it.

Be open to doing weird things. She and I have some of our best talks in the furniture section of Crate & Barrel or Macy's.