“You know I love you, no matter what you do. Right now, I’m getting very annoyed. I don’t like when you do x and ignore when I ask you to stop. So, how are we going to handle this?”

I wait for input. If they won’t choose to stop the behavior, I remove myself from the behavior. Sometimes that means pulling into a parking lot and moving into the front passenger seat (kicking the seat). Sometimes it means getting out of the room or vehicle (noises). Nothing lasts long, and the less attention I give the behavior, the less it happens later. With that said, something else inevitably crops up, because... kids. Of course, I’m someone who has no problem missing whatever to show a child that they control their actions, not other people’s environment or actions.

I have been known to tell my 5 year old "You're being so annoying right now" or "You're really getting on my nerves right now."

His self esteem remains high, because I also tell him when I'm impressed that he knows something or that I noticed him being particularly kind to his sibling, or that I'm proud of him for mastering a new skill, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tend to say “you’re being annoying” or “that’s annoying” rather than “you’re annoying”. Small distinctions, and still probably not ideal, but I don’t think it’s so bad for kids to be made aware when their behavior is having a negative effect on others.

I don't think kids can make that distinction. I think even adults have a hard time with it.


In my opinion, words from parents can be so powerful to a kid's psyche that it's best not to do this, even when the kid's behavior warrants it. I remember my mom saying "I don't like you right now." and how hurtful it was. I can't remember what I was doing and I'm sure I was being a total PITA and completely unlikeable, but my thought was - "Even my own mom doesn't like me. Nobody likes me." I remember it 35 years later.

In OP's situation, it's not helpful or necessary to the conversation. Just ask him to stop backseat driving or whatever the annoying behavior is.

I'm sure that hurt!

but "I don't like what you are doing right now. You are jumping on the bed after I made it and I don't like it. Please stop." should NOT be hurtful. A parent is allowed to say that what someone is doing is annoying, mean, hurtful, too loud, too soft, etc. etc - that's how we grow and learn!

Have patience but do tell them when certain behaviors are annoying. Focus on the behavior; not the child.

I think parents have an obligation to let there children know when they are annoying or obnoxious. Sociery will certainly let them know when they are older. Its whats wrong woth the world now. Kids who were never taught how to interact with othersor who never had there feelings hurt.

I think a sibling telling another sibling that they are annoying is acceptable, if it's a rare thing. A parent, no.

"annoying behavior", not the person being annoying, might be acceptable IF that slips out.

Just say "it is annoying when YOU or anyone else do X", not "YOU are annoying". Simple.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tend to say “you’re being annoying” or “that’s annoying” rather than “you’re annoying”. Small distinctions, and still probably not ideal, but I don’t think it’s so bad for kids to be made aware when their behavior is having a negative effect on others.

I don't think kids can make that distinction. I think even adults have a hard time with it.


In my opinion, words from parents can be so powerful to a kid's psyche that it's best not to do this, even when the kid's behavior warrants it. I remember my mom saying "I don't like you right now." and how hurtful it was. I can't remember what I was doing and I'm sure I was being a total PITA and completely unlikeable, but my thought was - "Even my own mom doesn't like me. Nobody likes me." I remember it 35 years later.

In OP's situation, it's not helpful or necessary to the conversation. Just ask him to stop backseat driving or whatever the annoying behavior is.

Eh, I don’t know. Not to diminish your personal experience—I completely agree that parents’ words can have long-lasting effects, I just don’t always think we can know as parents which words will actually resonate. And in an attempt to say everything “the right way”, we miss an opportunity to instill pretty basic social skills in our kids. In this case, telling the kid to stop the annoying behavior without actually telling him why he should stop (because it’s annoying) is not helping the kid figure out situations where he is being annoying to other people.

You're quoting me, and I want to clarify that I agree about telling the kid there is a problem with the behavior! In case that wasn't clear. Someone in the thread mentioned "It bothers me when..." I, personally, like that language much better than "you are being annoying." But you are right that parents can't parse every word. But, since OP asked if it's ok to say, my opinion is that there is a better way to phrase it. I'm sure the kid will be ok regardless.

No. Depends on your tone. But, if they're being annoying I will tell them. A 5 year old is old enough to know better and be aware of their own behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I've said, "Larlo, you constant pulling on my clothes and saying my name over and over again are annoying me. If you want my attention, say my name one time and wait until I look at you."

Exactly--communicating your feelings not only tells them that their behavior is unacceptable, but models how they can tell others when their behavior is unacceptable. I have a 9-, 6-, and 3-year-old, and this has been my method for years. It seems to be successful for my kids. I teach PreK, and we teach the students how to solve problems by sharing their feelings and communicating with people who are bothering them (versus acting out). "I don't like it when you..." or "It bothers [annoys] me when you..." is textbook.

"You are annoying," "I don't like you right now," etc are completely different and horrible, hurtful things to say to a child. I'm sorry your mom said that to you, PP.

Anonymous wrote:I tell my kids when they are doing things that are annoying. I frame it for them as - X behavior (be very specific) is really annoying and other people don't like it for these reasons (it makes it difficult to drive, I can't hear the person I'm talking to, whatever). Your friends aren't going to like it either.

My opinion is only telling kids how great they are all the time and not calling them out on behavior is not doing them any favors in the end (cough, some millennials, cough). My kids are showered with love and affection every single day. However, they're not perfect and when the things they do are annoying, I'm going to help them out and let them know.

Agree with everyone saying it's fine to point out annoying behavior, just label the behavior and not the person. If kids aren't told a behavior is annoying, how are they going to improve?

Chris Rock had a bit about this in one of his stand-up specials. It was crass, but hilarious, and the underlying point was that nobody is going to care about you as much as your family does. And stop doing your kids a disservice by telling them how special they are and that they can do no wrong.

If you tell a child they're being annoying you might break them permanently!

We do it all the time. When someone is being annoying, someone else will invariably say “annoying”. I mean really, who wants their kid to grow up to be annoying.

No dear god, PLEASE tell them when they are annoying. For all the rest of us and those who will be stuck working with them in the future.

Focus on how what they're doing impacts others. That gets them in the frame of mind of thinking of themselves and their actions and how they affect others.

I do too. Sometimes I tell them that they talk too much, please close your mouth. It drives me crazy when they keep talking nonstop to bomb my brain with high pitches.