Anonymous
01/07/2020 11:13
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
OP here.
Wow.
Please stop impugning my relationship with my father, or imagining that I'm a pushy shrew or something!
We actually have a great relationship. We never criticize each other (can't say the same thing for other relatives!), and up until now always wanted to visit the same places.
And when my kids were little, they were very accommodating. We traveled with them everywhere with extended family, and never had any trouble. As tweens and teens, they still want to do the same things we've always done (ie, nature vacations), which is a relief.
Please understand that I am concerned for my father. I hear you about the idea that it may not be mental decline, but perhaps that new large trips get overwhelming for someone of his years and that's just how it is. I'm still going to keep tabs on his behavior via my mother, because I know that my aunts and uncles, all older than my father, and my friends' parents, take frequent international trips, with or without limitations and care issues. So, it's perfectly possible to do so when one is 70 or 80.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 11:11
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
I've found my dad, also 70, has gotten much more cautious within the last year.
He's also very set in his routine and doesn't like to deviate. Even though he's in pretty good shape and health, he likes to stick to his short walks outdoors and longer walks on the treadmill.
I honestly think he's worried about falling and getting injured. A friend of our family had her mother pass in December 2018. She fell and broke her hip. She was in her late 80s and ruled not a good candidate for surgery even though she was in good health. She was confined to her bed, got pneumonia, and passed a few weeks later. I think that story really resonated with him and made him more cautious.
He's also very set in his routine and doesn't like to deviate. Even though he's in pretty good shape and health, he likes to stick to his short walks outdoors and longer walks on the treadmill.
I honestly think he's worried about falling and getting injured. A friend of our family had her mother pass in December 2018. She fell and broke her hip. She was in her late 80s and ruled not a good candidate for surgery even though she was in good health. She was confined to her bed, got pneumonia, and passed a few weeks later. I think that story really resonated with him and made him more cautious.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:59
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Let me ask you this op. How old are your kids? When they were young, did you complain about people not respecting your kids feeding, sleeping and nap schedules?
Here is the thing, younger folk think everything is dementia and get exasperated with their elderly parents. When in fact, they are not all demented, just talking and walking a bit slower, things that irritate people who have no patience for the slower speed of elderly. Slower walking and talking does not equate dementia. This is why elderly people are exasperated with younger people, you don't respect their speed.
Here is the thing, younger folk think everything is dementia and get exasperated with their elderly parents. When in fact, they are not all demented, just talking and walking a bit slower, things that irritate people who have no patience for the slower speed of elderly. Slower walking and talking does not equate dementia. This is why elderly people are exasperated with younger people, you don't respect their speed.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:55
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm only 44, but I am quickly losing my tolerance for uncomfortable "vacations" with family. I fully admit to being pickier about food, scheduling (mostly being on time for planes & trains), and sleeping accommodations than most people, but that's not the issue.
The issue is when my relatives push back/criticize/mock my preferences, despite the fact that I'm not impacting them in any way. Or refuse to accommodate my reasonable requests (like the time I want to leave for the airport, for no discernable reason other that to disagree with me.) Or randomly change things we have already agreed on (like adding more guests to the shared house or changing the room we are sleeping in) in a way that impacts my plan. Or outright lying about accommodations (claiming they have an airbed when they actually don't - "you can just sleep on this beanbag chair!") Or mocking/criticizing my food choices (e.g., I bought a dozen eggs because having protein in the AM is really important to me, and get tons of questions about that apparently bizarre thing to do.)
Hopefully OP is not like my relatives, but she may want to think about what happened on the last family vacation. If she disrespected or refused to accommodate something her dad wanted, then that may be at the root of it. If she asks her dad if there is anything she can do to make the trip easier in terms of food and sleeping arrangements, maybe he will tell her.
I totally get you! My sister and SIl are like your family! I am a bit older than you. If we are too be at an airport 2 hours ahead, and I want to leave on time, and imo, even late, I am mocked and told that we will be fine if we leave an hour before the flight! And I think sister does it just to pi** me off and mock me. But, I have to listen to her complaining about "who could have known there would be traffic or TSA lines!" I lived and traveled my whole life, on 3 continents! And never missed a fligth, yet she has and even forgot her passport!
The egg thing is a bit weird though, with my sister if she books accommodations I have confidence and let her because she is an utter snob!
Oh, I thought you said you brought eggs, I see it was bough eggs.... that is a perfectly normal thing to do! Sorry.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:55
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
If your mom needs his help with all these things plus she can't be away from him, he's honestly probably stressed from caretaking. It's not a peaceful vacation for him.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:53
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Honestly, he is probably burned out from caretaking for your mom.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:52
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Your mom sounds very depended on your dad. Given that he is 70 and has a lot on his plate, he feeds her you say?, I think you and your mom are being very unfair by pushing your dad into this scenario at his age. BTW, my sister insisted to take my dad on a beach vacation while he had dementia and mobility issues! My mom had a vacation from hell! Dad soiled himself at the airport, and who do you think cleaned him up? Not my sister!
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:49
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
It sounds like your dad doesn't feel as well as he's used to feeling, perhaps feeling more vulnerable about his own health and his ability to give your mom the care she needs on a bigger trip. When my dad isn't feeling great he never tells us, but he stays close to home and cancels any out of the ordinary plans.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:46
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Anonymous wrote:I'm only 44, but I am quickly losing my tolerance for uncomfortable "vacations" with family. I fully admit to being pickier about food, scheduling (mostly being on time for planes & trains), and sleeping accommodations than most people, but that's not the issue.
The issue is when my relatives push back/criticize/mock my preferences, despite the fact that I'm not impacting them in any way. Or refuse to accommodate my reasonable requests (like the time I want to leave for the airport, for no discernable reason other that to disagree with me.) Or randomly change things we have already agreed on (like adding more guests to the shared house or changing the room we are sleeping in) in a way that impacts my plan. Or outright lying about accommodations (claiming they have an airbed when they actually don't - "you can just sleep on this beanbag chair!") Or mocking/criticizing my food choices (e.g., I bought a dozen eggs because having protein in the AM is really important to me, and get tons of questions about that apparently bizarre thing to do.)
Hopefully OP is not like my relatives, but she may want to think about what happened on the last family vacation. If she disrespected or refused to accommodate something her dad wanted, then that may be at the root of it. If she asks her dad if there is anything she can do to make the trip easier in terms of food and sleeping arrangements, maybe he will tell her.
I totally get you! My sister and SIl are like your family! I am a bit older than you. If we are too be at an airport 2 hours ahead, and I want to leave on time, and imo, even late, I am mocked and told that we will be fine if we leave an hour before the flight! And I think sister does it just to pi** me off and mock me. But, I have to listen to her complaining about "who could have known there would be traffic or TSA lines!" I lived and traveled my whole life, on 3 continents! And never missed a fligth, yet she has and even forgot her passport!
The egg thing is a bit weird though, with my sister if she books accommodations I have confidence and let her because she is an utter snob!
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:41
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is normal and I think your father's decision about Yellowstone is very reasonable. I can't see how that would not involve a lot of walking, and it sounds that he would have to take care of your mom, which he probably does a lot as it is. This is not anxiety, imo, it is being realistic and I honestly don't think your idea of him and your handicapped mom joining you was realistic at all. How much does he take care of your mom daily?
OP here.
They have their little place in the mountains they go to every summer, and they hike the trails!
My mother's physical handicap is in her hands, not her legs, so she can walk, but needs help with certain aspects of self-care and feeding and she has a strong preference for my father doing those things.
The thing is, their summer place is part of their routine, so apparently my father has no objection to packing up the car, driving there, and spending every day walking about.
We've done road trips in the past to other National Parks, which he absolutely loved, and he talk about doing more last year. They live far away from us so it's a nice way to meet up.
This current issue seems to have developed this year.
It is very common and normal. Has his checked if his arteries are fine or perhaps there is a build up? Does he sleep more? I ask because my dad started sleeping more and being less willing to do things around 75, and he was extremely active before. Turned out he had insane plaque build up in his arteries and ended up having a major by pass surgery. He was never heavy or in poor health otherwise, so that was a shock.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:38
Subject: Re:Advice about 70 yo father
Honestly it is not much different than a mom with a newborn saying she doesn't want to rent a beach house with their extended family for a week in August.
Your father is allowed to have opinions and thoughts on what he does & doesn't do. Lack of grooming, change in eating habits, sleeping issues would be the time to be concerned, otherwise you are reading way too much into it.
Your father is allowed to have opinions and thoughts on what he does & doesn't do. Lack of grooming, change in eating habits, sleeping issues would be the time to be concerned, otherwise you are reading way too much into it.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:27
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
I'm only 44, but I am quickly losing my tolerance for uncomfortable "vacations" with family. I fully admit to being pickier about food, scheduling (mostly being on time for planes & trains), and sleeping accommodations than most people, but that's not the issue.
The issue is when my relatives push back/criticize/mock my preferences, despite the fact that I'm not impacting them in any way. Or refuse to accommodate my reasonable requests (like the time I want to leave for the airport, for no discernable reason other that to disagree with me.) Or randomly change things we have already agreed on (like adding more guests to the shared house or changing the room we are sleeping in) in a way that impacts my plan. Or outright lying about accommodations (claiming they have an airbed when they actually don't - "you can just sleep on this beanbag chair!") Or mocking/criticizing my food choices (e.g., I bought a dozen eggs because having protein in the AM is really important to me, and get tons of questions about that apparently bizarre thing to do.)
Hopefully OP is not like my relatives, but she may want to think about what happened on the last family vacation. If she disrespected or refused to accommodate something her dad wanted, then that may be at the root of it. If she asks her dad if there is anything she can do to make the trip easier in terms of food and sleeping arrangements, maybe he will tell her.
The issue is when my relatives push back/criticize/mock my preferences, despite the fact that I'm not impacting them in any way. Or refuse to accommodate my reasonable requests (like the time I want to leave for the airport, for no discernable reason other that to disagree with me.) Or randomly change things we have already agreed on (like adding more guests to the shared house or changing the room we are sleeping in) in a way that impacts my plan. Or outright lying about accommodations (claiming they have an airbed when they actually don't - "you can just sleep on this beanbag chair!") Or mocking/criticizing my food choices (e.g., I bought a dozen eggs because having protein in the AM is really important to me, and get tons of questions about that apparently bizarre thing to do.)
Hopefully OP is not like my relatives, but she may want to think about what happened on the last family vacation. If she disrespected or refused to accommodate something her dad wanted, then that may be at the root of it. If she asks her dad if there is anything she can do to make the trip easier in terms of food and sleeping arrangements, maybe he will tell her.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:25
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Hire a caregiver to travel with Mom out to the national park.
Let Dad have a break. It sounds like he has been pulling a heavy load for decades.
Many seniors want to stay close to home. It is not uncommon.
You and Mom need to be supportive of Dad. If Dad dies tomorrow Mom's options are to move in with you with caregiver, stay in her house with caregivers or move into assisted living. Dad is pulling a heavy load and it sounds like he has been pulling the load for a long time.
Let Dad have a break. It sounds like he has been pulling a heavy load for decades.
Many seniors want to stay close to home. It is not uncommon.
You and Mom need to be supportive of Dad. If Dad dies tomorrow Mom's options are to move in with you with caregiver, stay in her house with caregivers or move into assisted living. Dad is pulling a heavy load and it sounds like he has been pulling the load for a long time.
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:21
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let them be and have their life and routines. He may not want to feed her in public in restaurants out of respect for your mother.
Being the primary caregiver for your mother who does not have the use of her hands has got to be hard...think dressing, bathing, cooking, feeding etc.
They are comfortable in their two living environments. Respect his decision. Visit them in their locale.
Travel is exhausting even if you have no health issues.
He's been helping with her fork and knife in restaurants for decades, they've had to move past those kinds of issues
What concerns me is that I am tying this new found refusal to do new things to some kind of mental decline. That plus my mother is very disappointed because she loves to travel. I would love to bring her with me, but she doesn't want to be separated from my father. She has always been an anxious sort of person, and relies on my father's presence (even when she doesn't need his help at all!), so if he's in decline, they're going to be a complete mess together...
To uneducated me, what you describe does not sound like a mental decline in and of itself. If you are concerned, perhaps you need togo visit. There is no way for DCUM to really know. Refusing to do things you used to do may be anxiety (there does not have to be a definable cause) or depression or fatigue, but it could also be a legitimate - I just don't feel like doing that and at this point in my (your dad's) life I'm entitled to prioritize what I want. Who can say?
Anonymous
01/07/2020 10:19
Subject: Advice about 70 yo father
Anonymous wrote:Fly to pick up Mom and you bring Mom on the trip and do the care. Give Dad a break. It sounds like Dad is doing the driving, cleaning, cooking, feeding, and dressing and bathing which would be a lot for any man.
If Dad is Mom's full time caregiver he probably needs a break.
Many seniors lose the ability to digest crunchy things and whole grain carbs as they age. This is probably a gastro issue that is common with aging.
OP here. Ah, I didn't know this. Thanks.