Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 20:01     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:Honestly this all sounds so unfair to the littlest ones, just getting carted everywhere and playing to the side while the older ones' activities have everyone's focus.


No. The little ones have blast playing with the other little kids on the sidelines. We have seen this a million times at Cub Scouts, swim meets, baseball games, etc.

As long as the little one can get down and do some running around, they love it.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 19:56     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities.


You're also bringing your older children and your husband closer together, and allowing you to focus on the child that needs you most. This may or may not help your framing. We usually went with the easy division of labor - DH takes the oldest, DW takes the little one.


I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now.


We found that everything improved, scheduling-wise, when naps consolidated to a single afternoon one. But even before then, if you have two cars, remember you can let baby nap, and then join your husband. Or one parent stays in the car with a book/catches up on his or her own naps while the baby sleeps in his carseat.



This solution sounds miserable as well. What is the f-omg point of having a family if you are always “dividing and conquring.” I don’t want to have another kid if it means I rarely get to see my husband or older kids? Is this for real advice?


NP, but this time is temporary. I mean, do you do everything in lockstep as a family all the time? I enjoy that our family can happily coexist all together, or in various configurations. It also depends on how scheduled the older kids are. If they have a ton of activities, that’s a choice that not every family makes, and it’s also not true “family” time, IMO.


I don’t know, it seems like it’s temporary times three, which is a long time. And, as the mother of middle schoolers, it’s not like things get easier or you suddenly have more time to offer your kids. Seven year gaps mean that one will be going to college while one is still, what fifth or sixth grade? That gap never disappears, the challenges you face just change shape and definition. A four year old isn’t going to be able to stay up for their sibling’s middle school band concert, so still, four years later there is either a parent asleep in the car or you are hiring a babysitter. There is too much divide and conquer. It’s not temporary, it’s just accepting that your family is always going to living separate lives for most of their waking hours.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 18:26     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:Would love to hear from anyone with a large age gap between kids.

We have an 8 year old, 6 year old, and just turned 15 month old. The first 9 months were hard because well babies are babies, but at least the baby was fairly portable and pretty good on the go and just going with the flow. Around that time a switch flipped and he just won't nap anywhere but his crib anymore and since he started crawling only wants to be moving around and not confined to a stroller or baby carrier.

Logistics have gotten trickier with our older two who have sports and friends and activities, and a baby who is on a totally different schedule and is not easy-going or flexible at soccer practice or on days like today where we spent a big chunk of time at a friend's get together until I had to leave and take the baby home because he was melting down.

I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities.

I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now.



Many people have real problems. You have none!
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 18:23     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities.


You're also bringing your older children and your husband closer together, and allowing you to focus on the child that needs you most. This may or may not help your framing. We usually went with the easy division of labor - DH takes the oldest, DW takes the little one.


I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now.


We found that everything improved, scheduling-wise, when naps consolidated to a single afternoon one. But even before then, if you have two cars, remember you can let baby nap, and then join your husband. Or one parent stays in the car with a book/catches up on his or her own naps while the baby sleeps in his carseat.



This solution sounds miserable as well. What is the f-omg point of having a family if you are always “dividing and conquring.” I don’t want to have another kid if it means I rarely get to see my husband or older kids? Is this for real advice?


NP, but this time is temporary. I mean, do you do everything in lockstep as a family all the time? I enjoy that our family can happily coexist all together, or in various configurations. It also depends on how scheduled the older kids are. If they have a ton of activities, that’s a choice that not every family makes, and it’s also not true “family” time, IMO.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 18:07     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities.


You're also bringing your older children and your husband closer together, and allowing you to focus on the child that needs you most. This may or may not help your framing. We usually went with the easy division of labor - DH takes the oldest, DW takes the little one.


I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now.


We found that everything improved, scheduling-wise, when naps consolidated to a single afternoon one. But even before then, if you have two cars, remember you can let baby nap, and then join your husband. Or one parent stays in the car with a book/catches up on his or her own naps while the baby sleeps in his carseat.



This solution sounds miserable as well. What is the f-omg point of having a family if you are always “dividing and conquring.” I don’t want to have another kid if it means I rarely get to see my husband or older kids? Is this for real advice?


It really wasn't that big a deal. I hang out in the car for 45 mins while the baby finishes a nap. I can easily read DCUM for 45 minutes, it's relaxing down time for me and then DC gets a decent nap. And then afterwards we join in the fun. Now my youngest is 4 and naps aren't anything we worry about now, and having three is so much fun. You do what you gotta do when they are young.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 17:51     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities.


You're also bringing your older children and your husband closer together, and allowing you to focus on the child that needs you most. This may or may not help your framing. We usually went with the easy division of labor - DH takes the oldest, DW takes the little one.


I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now.


We found that everything improved, scheduling-wise, when naps consolidated to a single afternoon one. But even before then, if you have two cars, remember you can let baby nap, and then join your husband. Or one parent stays in the car with a book/catches up on his or her own naps while the baby sleeps in his carseat.



This solution sounds miserable as well. What is the f-omg point of having a family if you are always “dividing and conquring.” I don’t want to have another kid if it means I rarely get to see my husband or older kids? Is this for real advice?
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 17:47     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:3 kids with 3 years between each of them. Just forget your preconception about what family life is supposed to be. We split up all the time -- even on family vacations. The odds of three kids that are all different ages and all have different interests and likes/dislikes all wanting to do the same thing at the same time is really remote. And of course I push them to sometimes do things that are not their favorite thing, and emphasize that we are a family and sometimes that means we sacrifice for the other family members. But, at the end of the day, you can't just force a kid to be a tag along 66% of their time (and that's assuming you evenly rotate between the kids' interests.)

I have a friend with more kids, and she says that on any given day, one person in the family is going to get the short end of the stick. (Actually, she had more colorful language, but I'll clean it up for DCUM.) The goal should be that it's not always the same person getting the short end of the stick.


That sounds miserable.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 17:46     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:Honestly this all sounds so unfair to the littlest ones, just getting carted everywhere and playing to the side while the older ones' activities have everyone's focus.


And not getting adequate sleep, which is very important for healthy development.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 17:43     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
For fun things, get a babysitter for the baby. In our neighborhood, high school aged kids will babysit for $10/hr so it's not too bad to throw $20 once in a while so you can get out of the house and do fun things too. I agree it's usually Mom that gets stuck at home with the napping baby.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 16:10     Subject: Re:Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
My age gap is smaller (6, 4, and 15 months) and I find much the same thing. I also thing 12-18 months is the hardest age with a baby because they are mobile, don’t really nap for long, but also can’t really participate in things or conversations. My hope is that when we get to 2 or 2.5, the divide will lessen and we can bring the little guy to more.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 16:03     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:
I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities.


You're also bringing your older children and your husband closer together, and allowing you to focus on the child that needs you most. This may or may not help your framing. We usually went with the easy division of labor - DH takes the oldest, DW takes the little one.


I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now.


We found that everything improved, scheduling-wise, when naps consolidated to a single afternoon one. But even before then, if you have two cars, remember you can let baby nap, and then join your husband. Or one parent stays in the car with a book/catches up on his or her own naps while the baby sleeps in his carseat.

Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 15:41     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Honestly this all sounds so unfair to the littlest ones, just getting carted everywhere and playing to the side while the older ones' activities have everyone's focus.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 15:36     Subject: Re:Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Your baby can lessen to nap on the go. I promise! Try wearing a convertible carrier, so that once they’re walking, you can continue.

And I second the minivan for container play during activities.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 11:40     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Mine are almost 8, 5, and the baby is almost 2. We have slightly less of an age gap than you and my older two were big nappers, so they would actually all nap/rest for the first year or so of the baby's life. But our loose approach for the baby was to respect the afternoon nap as much as possible but the morning nap was catch as catch can, meaning a lot of stroller or car naps, and to just deal with a cranky baby sometimes. She is now down to one nap and we have a pretty wide window for it too. But yeah, I think you probably just have to accept the fact that baby doesn't get a set schedule if you want to do a lot of stuff as a family, and be able to shrug off the occasional meltdown. Our third is not actually very easy going at all, but she has learned that her meltdowns don't get her much traction.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2020 11:37     Subject: Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to switch with your husband more often and have him stay with the baby and you go with the older children.

This will be the normal for the foreseeable future.


+1

My kids are 11(DS), 9(DS), and 3(DD). Dad has been as much of a default parent for DD as I am. In fact, he did more of the staying home with the baby than I did when we were splitting duties in the first couple of years.

It does get a little easier to bring the youngest along once they're closer to PK age. I remember taking the boys to practice when DD was a new toddler was especially frustrating, but she's now to the point where she brings her Paw Patrol toys and play by herself if she's a tag along or I can take her to a playground nearby and come back for DS at the end of practice. The boys are also in the age now where "playdates" with friends are sans parents. Fortunately they both have friends in the neighborhood, so I can just send them over.

One thing I do feel bad about is DD doesn't often get the activities that are just for her .. like the little kid play gyms and playgrounds that I used to take the boys to when they were her age.

One thing I think I've done well is get all of the kids used to going and doing routine (i.e. boring) things together like grocery shopping. It's hard in the early toddler age range, but getting everyone used to the rules and expectations makes things easier later on and the older kids also get used to being helpful with the youngest.