I have two friends. One male and one female.

The female had a dream job set in mind but it takes a lot of work hours and commitment to get there. She got there at 37 but put off having kids until her work hours were more normal she could 1. Take time off for Maternity leave and 2. Actually be around. She's 39 now and has been unable to get pregnant. She's trying one last round of meds to hopefully get some numbers up that they suspect are the reason. It hasn't been easy for her. She sometimes has a lot of regrets and she's lost some friendships because she's trying to protect herself from the hurt of seeing others with a family.

My guys friend had a similar story except he never got to that dream career level because he burned out working the hours he did. That industry has a huge burnout rate. His wife wanted to start trying right after he burned out but he wasnt mentally ready. He has a great job now with extremely family friendly hours and flexibility. But they haven't had any luck with a pregnancy and his wife is against most alternatives. He has big regrets

Anonymous wrote:She is an idiot. There is a reason why such idiots should not reproduce. Let her work to death.

The idiots are the self-absorbed, selfish women are those that have children and then hire nannies to rear them because they care more about their jobs than they care about their children? Yes, I am judging you.

Well everyone I know who delayed childbearing was due to meeting spouse later in life. Not career. But maybe that is just my circle of friends.

Some people don't really want kids all that much, and they may feel like it sounds bad to say that.

It can be really hard to have a good career and be a good mom. You always feel like you're half-assing things at one or both, unless you have an incredibly flexible job or a very, very good support system at home. Many folks don't have that. I had to back-burner my career big time when I had a kid as a single mom, and I really miss being more successful. But I don't see a way to be a good mom in the way I want to be, while also killing it at work. Something had to give.

OP, sometimes people who actually don’t want kids will say things like this instead because it’s more socially acceptable.

Several women in my family have chosen not to have kids because their career won’t allow it.

Not all high intensity jobs are highly compensated. If you’re a writer, or in theater, or an artist, etc, you can be highly successful and travel a lot and not be able to afford a nanny, let alone the 24/7 help people who work in big law/consulting often have (if they don’t have SAH spouse).

Anonymous wrote:My SIL does.

She says she want kids and works in big law. According to her, every year she waits she’s more senior and has more benefits and flexibility at her firm. It also stresses her out because more and more women drop out. So far nobody’s stayed more than 1 year after having a baby. She’s one of the few women left. (She’s 35)

Biglaw for a long time now. All the female partners with kids that I know had their kids in law school or waited until they were partner. I had my one as a senior associate, and the maternity benefits were great, but felt it prudent to lateral for a number of reasons after having mine and it helps I think that I’m on track at a firm where I didn’t have my kid. You can make partner and have kids along the way but it’s hard. Not many people make partner anyway to be fair. Being a mom just makes it that much more insane. Personally I think she should stick it out! She can’t default parent though. That’s just not possible. Her husband needs to take paternity on back of her maternity bc being one on one with an infant is the only way to avoid default parenting and her husband needs to support her job or it’ll never happen.

“Career” is one way to say it. Job is more apt unless you are taking about an independently wearily person (who doesn’t need income).

Another way ti describe these people is to say they can’t afford children and that’s very possibly. People have kids they can’t afford all the time (looking at every middle class family with more than 1 or maybe 2).

The field I'm in is dominated by men in the higher roles because they didn't have to take time off to have kids. It's not fair, of course, but it is what it is. Any women with positions equal to theirs are women without kids, either by choice or circumstance.

I'm the anomaly because my wife is wealthy and her job is just a hobby type job, not a career like mine. She took a leave and stayed home starting at 8 weeks, so after giving birth and being off for those 8 weeks, I was able to jump right back in and didn't lose too much momentum. In fact, I gained some more respect from the men for coming back so soon instead of the 12-16 most other women took. Again, it's not fair, but that's how it is in my field.

It’s an excuse. I know women with demanding careers,
travel, who never see their kids and they are basically raised by other people. That’s one extreme. I know others who never really wanted children and say they work all of the time. I don’t know anyone with a demanding career, who really wants children but isn’t having them because of work.

I am a teacher and when i became a mom I was making 80k a year at my main job and 20K a year at my other job(s). As a solo mom I had to pay full time care for my daughter (au pairs). I don't get these 700K a year people. You DO KNOW that most families in America live on about 50K a year, right? And here i was at double that!

I never felt i sacrificed. I waited til 40 to become a mom. That was always the plan. I bought my house at 30, always worked 2-3 jobs and had roommates for 10 years. At the end of those 10 years my house was paid off, my teaching retirement was secure, my car was new and paid off and with good care would last 15-20 years. I had lots of money in the bank. I traveled all over the world and stayed with friends, hostels, or cheap hotels. No sacrificing my love of international travel!

I got tax breaks for my international adoption, since it is not covered by insurance.

You don't need a lot of money to enjoy your life of child(ren) and your interests. (for me, travel. And of course my daughter goes with me everywhere She loves hostels!) You just need planning. Lots of planning.

Some people truly enjoy their careers and get great fulfillment from them every day. I’m one of them. I feel lucky to have chosen wisely and not treat work as a grind. If people chose wisely I can see why they would just ride the enjoyment of something tangible and known than assign their happiness to some unborn, unknown, nonexistent entity.

Anonymous wrote:Op here... I just think it’s so interesting given that everyone is replaceable at a job but to your family (again if you want one) you are not replaceable. I worked in hospice for a while and it’s really sad to see those without family upon death and in those times, careers don’t come up much.

Kids are no guarantee that you won't be alone in your elder years.

Op here... I just think it’s so interesting given that everyone is replaceable at a job but to your family (again if you want one) you are not replaceable. I worked in hospice for a while and it’s really sad to see those without family upon death and in those times, careers don’t come up much.

Anonymous wrote:Op you mention being from a "culture" where women don't let career get in the way of kids. People don't usually use the term "culture" to describe being from western europe or australia - so i'm going to assume you're from asia, africa or south America.

People from Germany, Scandinavia, France, and others definitely do think of themselves as having a culture which won't let work get in the way of having children. Or even letting being unmarried get in the way. But your point holds there too, because those cultures value children and offer assistance to parents. Here in the USA our culture is everyone for themselves.