Always blown when I see people who would rather live a life of misery than have some self respect and dignity and get out. No matter what the reason, money isn’t worth a lifetime of being with someone you hate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

you're going to stay with this person until you die to protect your retirement? does not compute.

So what's the alternative? Working until I am dead?

Well you're the one who described herself as "miserably unhappy." I'd rather be happy and working than miserable and retired.

Can you go to therapy? With a good counselor, you might be able to repair the hurt that's been done by saying things you shouldn't have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

you're going to stay with this person until you die to protect your retirement? does not compute.

So what's the alternative? Working until I am dead?

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

you're going to stay with this person until you die to protect your retirement? does not compute.

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

I could have written this myself.
Marriage is dead and emotionally manipulative and abusive. Hasn’t worked or earned money for over a decade.

Anonymous wrote:OP the issue is that in this type of marriage your DH will eventually cheat and then probably leave you. I don’t think have as much tolerance for a dead marriage. Will you regret staying so long after he he initiates a divorce. Could you all agree to an open marriage.

A lot of people here disagree with this but I think if you truly feel like you need to stay for a few more years until you can get things in order and enough confidence to get out of this, this could be a good way to help both of you be at least more pleasant towards each other. You'll both have other things to look forward to that could put you in better moods. If you could truly support him stepping out and also try it yourself, it sounds like you really have nothing to lose at this point.

That said, I've read that the only way to make an open marriage work is to be sure you're in a strong marriage first. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that someone would want to find another lover because they are oh so happy and blissful in their marriage and what better way to further increase that happiness and bliss and draw you even closer???? Why fix what isn't broken? More people means more complications in my book.

OP the issue is that in this type of marriage your DH will eventually cheat and then probably leave you. I don’t think have as much tolerance for a dead marriage. Will you regret staying so long after he he initiates a divorce. Could you all agree to an open marriage.

Dead bedroom and dead marriage here. Stay until you can't stay, take it day by day

Having a separate pied a terre/home office is working for us so far. Pleasant things like going out to eat and on vacations are the only things we do together. We try to be polite. Why would we treat a complete stranger better than the parent of our children kind of a thing. We have very low expectations of each other and can't even mister enough emotion to argue, which helps.

Dead bedroom or dead marriage?

You haven't hit rock bottom yet. When contempt sets in, it's over. Even as just friends. I asked the ex to go to counseling. Wouldn't do that because all therapists are supposedly in favor of the woman. He said he hated where we lived so I asked him please let's move and start our relationship over again. Nope. Wouldn't do that even though we had plenty of money. Silent treatments for days on end. Most of the time, I didn't even know what I had done to deserve that. Every morning, I'd wake and check on him in the spare room, lol. So disappointed that he was still breathing. This is your future.

OP are you sure you can’t separate? This life does not sound good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

Move where?

To a state that is growing with corresponding new job opportunties. Living in a stagnant area with bad weather sucks.

PP, you're worried about your retirement but right now it sounds like your retirement will be very unpleasant living with a spouse you are unhappy with in a place you detest. What a great retirement.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Main reasons are children and finances. We have a special needs child so I’ve cut back to working part time. This will not be a short term situation, as child will need assistance for life.

Have you spoken with a counselor on your own, maybe someone who could help you find other options for yourself? Right now it sounds like you believe you have very few choices. But maybe a good counselor or social worker could help you fix this so you don't have to be miserable for years. Could you sell your house and downsize, for example? If you live in a place with five bedrooms, for example. do you really need that?

The whole situation sounds like a lengthy prison sentence. Based on what you said, you do need to get out of this marriage and also find other resources for your child. Does your husband agree this is not sustainable? I can't imagine he too wants to live this way for the long haul. Maybe you need to talk this out as if you're discussing the future of a business--you're running out of money but you need to find new products to sell, maybe change locations and most important, avoid bankruptcy. Ask yourselves, how do we continue supporting our child while moving on in a calm, civil way so we can each find our own individual happiness? I mean, if you were living with the most horrible roommate in the world, wouldn't you look for a way out? It would be considered downright insane to stay in the situation for years. I know there are a lot of people who are very high on sticking to the commitment of marriage but if it's hell, what are you committing to? If you're still under 40, you could be committing yourself to another 40 years of this. Oy.

If you can't separate for the next year or two, could you at least move towards some kind of situation where you acknowledge there is no romantic relationship but you're free to go out with friends, even see other people, get away on your own once a week, until you can divorce for good?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

Move where?

To a state that is growing with corresponding new job opportunties. Living in a stagnant area with bad weather sucks.