We (straight couple) couldn’t conceive no 2 without an egg donor. It does still make me sad in a tiny way that we couldn’t use my egg. He is fantastic and so close to my dh but I do mourn that genetic connection and we are several years out of the baby stage. So no you are not weird or alone.

Not quite the same, but my DH couldn’t have children (I am DW), so we used a sperm donor. When we found out he couldn’t have biological children, we were upset. I was sad, like you, that any children wouldn’t have any part of him, genetically. We definitely mourned that.

Fast forward, and we have the most amazing DD. My husband has even said, “I have come to be fine with the fact that I can’t have kids because I could not love our DD more and she is the most incredible kid. That we wouldn’t have had her otherwise is unfathomable.”

Our DD is similar to us both and has a unique, special bond with each of us. Nurture is a huge part of it, huge. My two cents!

People are formed by nature and nurture. Your wife will have a big impact on the nurture which in turn will form the child. He/She may end up being very similar to your wife. Enjoy this exciting journey.

Anonymous wrote:Lesbian mother to 2 teens. Yes, I wish I could have had our children with my wife. But, I also wish I had less freckles. Or that I could retire at 50. Or I was more athletically inclined. They are things I WISH for, but am not SAD about. Our kids are now teens and those who don’t know us well/didn’t know us 15y ago, have no idea who carried the kids (FWIW, I did.) And one of our kids looks a LOT like my wife and the other has her personality traits and it extremely bonded to her.

I think it is normal in the planning/early stages of parenthood to focus on genetics, worry about bonding, etc. But as someone who is pretty far down the lesbian parenting path, it ends up not mattering at all. Your kid(s) end up being your kids…

All of this!

I felt sadness about it during the conception process, but once our child was born it evaporated. Part of it is, I think, that choosing a donor is so stressful and fraught. I am glad that I chose one with the same ethnic heritage as my wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Overwhelming sadness?” You are in for some tough love:

Come on, OP. Stop. You’re being ridiculous. You’re dismissing the real, intense relationships that adopted parents have with their children and a higher value on biological connections over personal connections.

I carried both of my children who were conceived with 2 different anonymous donors. I love them for who they are, not because I see part of myself in them. They are truly unique with their own personalities, likes and dislikes. When it comes to their other mother, I cherish the amazing relationship she has with each child and our connection as a family unit.

There is plenty in the world to be sad about. This is not one of them. Focus your energy elsewhere.

I truly do not mean to undermine the intense relationships adopted parents have with their children, but for me personally it means quite a bit. I have always been interested in genealogy and family history, and I tend to be someone who thinks nature more than nurture determines more of what a person is like. In any event, I think it would be incredible to experience having a child that is a mix of me and a mix of the person that I love. I'm just disappointed that DW and I won't be able to experience that.

I am a straight female who is VERY into genealogy - as in I have been doing it as a hobby for over 20 years but that never affected me wanting to adopt, and I am both a bio and adoptive mom. I love learning about my family and how we fit into history, and sometimes it's neat to see similarities in features or personalities/interests of ancestors that I discover. But when you research extensively, you realize that you are a combination of so many people - nature wise, I have 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great-grandparents, 16-gg-grandparents, etc. Do I have a lot in common with all of them? No Are all of their descendants similar? No And that doesn't take into consideration the nurture part of the equation which adds more diversity to the equation.

When I "found" my 3rd great grandfather, I was thrilled. But DNA wise? I probably only share ~5% with him. So while I LOVE genealogy, it's more about the family and their stories and not the DNA. When it comes to my immediate family, I have way more in common personality-wise with my daughter who was adopted and is a different race than I am than I do with my bio. daughter who looks very similar to me. As others have said, your kids are your kids. It doesn't matter how they came to you. And you can still do your and your wife's family history. It is your child's family's history, too. And you can add in their biological father's history to their tree, too, if you know it. A whole lot goes into making your child who she is, and all of it can be represented. Good luck!

Old straight lady here. I get it, op. And honestly, these sorts of thoughts are common when you’re still in the daydreaming phase of starting a family. Once the child is there, for me anyway, that sort of thinking diminishes, especially as they get older and it’s easier to see them coming into their own as people. It’s okay to be a little sad, but once you have the actual baby in your arms, it will go away. Hugs and good luck!

You could try to find a donor that looks like both of you. Or each decide to carry one. We did both of those things and our kids are often mistaken for twins (granted DW and I look kind of alike)

You are not alone. DH and I (both men) had two kids with same egg donor but different sperm. It has been a wonderful experience to raise the son who is biologically related to me—he really is so much like me and it has helped me to see myself and my own parents in a new light. It has also been incredible to raise the son that is my husband’s bio kid, because he is so much like DH in so many ways big and small and I fall in love with the same traits in him that I love in DH and it has helped me to be more empathetic and understanding of DH in some ways because I can see the “all id” version of his personality and it really helps me to get how he thinks and why some things are hard for him. I would have loved the chance to have a kid that was related to both of us and to see which traits ended up expressing physically and personality-wise. I am sad for it sometimes but getting to have kids who are one another’s siblings and knowing that each of us is related to one of them biologically has been the next best thing for our family and I don’t feel sadness over it at this point.

We don't have a biological child - husband/wife and we adopted. We got the perfect child for us. Biology means nothing when you put that child in your arms - pure love.

My teen has mentioned a couple times that she hopes two egg technology will be available in a decade or two. But her extended family is full of adoptees on both sides and she knows that blood is less important than love.

Maybe you conceive/carry this first baby and your DW can conceive/carry your second baby?

Once you've been up with them all night, potty training them, kissing their boo boos you will love them and feel a strong connection with both of them. Biology makes you pregnant. Parenting makes you a parent.

Anonymous wrote:Lesbian mother to 2 teens. Yes, I wish I could have had our children with my wife. But, I also wish I had less freckles. Or that I could retire at 50. Or I was more athletically inclined. They are things I WISH for, but am not SAD about. Our kids are now teens and those who don’t know us well/didn’t know us 15y ago, have no idea who carried the kids (FWIW, I did.) And one of our kids looks a LOT like my wife and the other has her personality traits and it extremely bonded to her.

I think it is normal in the planning/early stages of parenthood to focus on genetics, worry about bonding, etc. But as someone who is pretty far down the lesbian parenting path, it ends up not mattering at all. Your kid(s) end up being your kids…

Yep - this. Our son looks a LOT like my wife and her brother. Both of our kids have her mannerisms and they are so wholly hers. I’ve been out since I first became aware of my sexuality in general so there was never a time in which I wanted to make a baby any other way. I’m way more glad that I don’t have to have sex with a man.

OP, listen to “The Mother” by Brandi Carlile. She sings about being the non biological mother. It’s beautiful. You might cry

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know one lesbian couple where one contributed the egg and the other was the carrier. Complicated, but would that help you any?

I have also known couples who have done this. It seems like a good middle ground

It can also get tricky with insurance. DW and I looked into this, but she would've been considered a gestational carrier and we would've been OOP for everything versus insurance covering it all. We had to do IVF because of DW's unexplained infertility and immune issues, so we needed that coverage to come OOP for immune treatment.

OP, I'm the non-biological parent of both of our kids. I can't imagine feeling more closely connected to them than I already am. I was invested in DW's pregnancy, was there through every minute of labor, delivery, and post partum, and to be honest, I probably clicked more with our first kid than she did. I cannot really put into words how much I love our boys and how little I consider the lack of bio ties to them.

We did choose a known donor so that we wouldn't find ourselves in a positive of our kids wanting to find their "father" or feeling resentment over us not allowing them to know him. I also didn't really care to find dozens of half siblings of the same donor out there - that just wasn't for me, and made me more uncomfortable than the idea of knowing our donor and his family. But everyone must do what's best for them.

Lesbian mother to 2 teens. Yes, I wish I could have had our children with my wife. But, I also wish I had less freckles. Or that I could retire at 50. Or I was more athletically inclined. They are things I WISH for, but am not SAD about. Our kids are now teens and those who don’t know us well/didn’t know us 15y ago, have no idea who carried the kids (FWIW, I did.) And one of our kids looks a LOT like my wife and the other has her personality traits and it extremely bonded to her.

I think it is normal in the planning/early stages of parenthood to focus on genetics, worry about bonding, etc. But as someone who is pretty far down the lesbian parenting path, it ends up not mattering at all. Your kid(s) end up being your kids…