Anonymous
12/29/2019 22:19
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and it changed how I interact with my DH.
Some of his actions would hurt me so I became a confrontational, verbally abusive shrew to him. As a result my mild mannered, laid back DH become uncaring and equally abrasive towards me. I read the book, decided that I had made my own horrible bed but I did not have to lie in it. I told my DH that I will change and that prove to him that I have seen the errors of my ways. Of course, he did not believe me. The next time he said or did something that hurt me, I would tell him that what he did hurt me but instead of yelling at him I will leave the room because I am going to do the right thing and not escalate this. He liked it a lot and started listening to my point of view and acknowledging my feelings. I felt also more empowered and less hurt because I had a clear course of action. We have been married 25+ years. He is my best friend and we have gone through many ups and downs together. We take good care of each other.
I did not read this book, but this is basically what I did. It worked. Happily married several years later (after being soooo close to pulling the trigger on divorce).
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:57
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:I decided to accept DH and Stop worrying about what was wrong with him and focus on Building myself. And you know what, once I did that and I could be more loving with him he improved what he needed to on his own. He started taking better care of himself and his health and that was a constant sticking point previously. And when I saw what was happening I was even happier with him.
We had a lot of terrible points in our marriage but we just stuck it out together. Sometimes the best thing is to just not get divorced.
This is it!
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:54
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and it changed how I interact with my DH.
Some of his actions would hurt me so I became a confrontational, verbally abusive shrew to him. As a result my mild mannered, laid back DH become uncaring and equally abrasive towards me. I read the book, decided that I had made my own horrible bed but I did not have to lie in it. I told my DH that I will change and that prove to him that I have seen the errors of my ways. Of course, he did not believe me. The next time he said or did something that hurt me, I would tell him that what he did hurt me but instead of yelling at him I will leave the room because I am going to do the right thing and not escalate this. He liked it a lot and started listening to my point of view and acknowledging my feelings. I felt also more empowered and less hurt because I had a clear course of action. We have been married 25+ years. He is my best friend and we have gone through many ups and downs together. We take good care of each other.
Some of his actions would hurt me so I became a confrontational, verbally abusive shrew to him. As a result my mild mannered, laid back DH become uncaring and equally abrasive towards me. I read the book, decided that I had made my own horrible bed but I did not have to lie in it. I told my DH that I will change and that prove to him that I have seen the errors of my ways. Of course, he did not believe me. The next time he said or did something that hurt me, I would tell him that what he did hurt me but instead of yelling at him I will leave the room because I am going to do the right thing and not escalate this. He liked it a lot and started listening to my point of view and acknowledging my feelings. I felt also more empowered and less hurt because I had a clear course of action. We have been married 25+ years. He is my best friend and we have gone through many ups and downs together. We take good care of each other.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:51
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:To not think about chores or anything regarding effort as 50/50. Do what you can. Some days you can do 75% and some days they can. It’s not about keeping score. Luckily, I am with someone who also thinks this way and doesn’t take advantage of it.
This is very good advice. Thank you.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:47
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In order;
- Stopped drinking alcohol.
- Got treated for depression and anxiety.
- Began intensive grief therapy in advance of my alcoholic parent's slow decline and eventual death.
- Returned to the workforce to an entirely different field after being a SAHM/unemployed for almost 20 years. I used my mental illnesses as an excuse for not working.
Kudos to you. It sounds like you were very courageous in making serious changes. I’m sorry for your losses.
PP and thanks for the kind words. Coming up on 25 years of marriage. A few times, and mostly due to my struggles, I honestly thought DH would very willingly leave me. Midway through our marriage, DH only sibling divorced; scared us both and spurred us to make our marriage a priority.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:46
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
To not think about chores or anything regarding effort as 50/50. Do what you can. Some days you can do 75% and some days they can. It’s not about keeping score. Luckily, I am with someone who also thinks this way and doesn’t take advantage of it.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:41
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
I never felt comfortable with a mental health diagnosis I was given. It didn’t match my symptoms and the meds weren’t working the way they should have. But they destroyed my ability to O. I saw a different doctor and got a different diagnosis and then sought a third opinion that confirmed the initial diagnosis was incorrect. Finally got the right treatment. Off meds 3 years!
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:39
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Not looking to him to supply all my needs. I met a great older lady at work who told me that her husband hated to travel and she loved it so she basically teamed up with another lady friend and off they went! They've been all over the world.
I was complaining to my bunco club friends about how my husband hates cruises and two other women were like "oh, my husband hates cruises too" so guess where we're going? So glad my older colleague inspired me in this way!
I was complaining to my bunco club friends about how my husband hates cruises and two other women were like "oh, my husband hates cruises too" so guess where we're going? So glad my older colleague inspired me in this way!
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:37
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Following with close interest. My 6 yo dd just walked in to say, “you both wash the dishes. Stop fighting, I’m trying to sleep.” Something has to change.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:35
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:In order;
- Stopped drinking alcohol.
- Got treated for depression and anxiety.
- Began intensive grief therapy in advance of my alcoholic parent's slow decline and eventual death.
- Returned to the workforce to an entirely different field after being a SAHM/unemployed for almost 20 years. I used my mental illnesses as an excuse for not working.
Kudos to you. It sounds like you were very courageous in making serious changes. I’m sorry for your losses.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:20
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Started focusing on the positive things he brings to our family’s lives instead of the negatives.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:10
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Stopped making negative comments. It's something that had bothered DH since dating -- i was not pessimistic, but grew up in a family where we nonstop criticized others. Have made a concerted effort to stop doing it. DH notices and i think it makes me feel better plus makes him happier and less annoyed with me. I really notice how much my parents do it now, and it drives me crazy.
Yes, this. I’ve never been really terrible with it, but I just want to make an effort to be loving and respectful to my husband. So when I want to roll my eyes or make a comment I try to pause and ask myself is anything good going to come of this? And if not, I keep it to myself. My husband deserves kindness.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 21:01
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
In order;
- Stopped drinking alcohol.
- Got treated for depression and anxiety.
- Began intensive grief therapy in advance of my alcoholic parent's slow decline and eventual death.
- Returned to the workforce to an entirely different field after being a SAHM/unemployed for almost 20 years. I used my mental illnesses as an excuse for not working.
- Stopped drinking alcohol.
- Got treated for depression and anxiety.
- Began intensive grief therapy in advance of my alcoholic parent's slow decline and eventual death.
- Returned to the workforce to an entirely different field after being a SAHM/unemployed for almost 20 years. I used my mental illnesses as an excuse for not working.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 20:42
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
I’m an opinionated type A person and I learned to stop being that person. It was not only great for my marriage but for me as a human being.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 19:26
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Wow this is one of the nicest threads I’ve seen on here in a long, long time.
Similar to posts above I made a conscious decision to accept DH, not undermine him, and be loving as I am with other people in my life who I love and don’t/can’t take for granted.
+1