I think that you are making this into more than it has to be. Just socialize one on one or don't bring your husband. If she asks, just say that he doesn't love doing couple activities all the time or he's busy with work. No one is making you give up the friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sorry for the confusion. I should have included more details. Here’s the thing- Jane is very into couple activities. She loves holding dinner parties and it will be nit be taken lightly if I start showing up alone. I’m fine going alone but she’s not. She already invited us for a long weekend away with them. Invited our kids too. She sees us as close friends and in her mind it’s probably all forgotten.

“It will not be taken lightly?” Did I take a wrong turn at Albuquerque and end up in an Edith Wharton novel?

You don’t have the drop the friendship but your DH isn’t required to be her friend. Jane has a choice to make if she wants to continue being friends without your DH being part of the friendship package and you have to decide if you are comfortable attending these events solo or making the effort to do more one one one with Jane.

I would continue seeing her without him. If she notices, oh well. Maybe he would be ok with a party with her present if there were more couples than just the two of you-where he doesn’t need to converse with her if he doesn’t want to and it wouldn’t be awkward if he didn’t.

I wouldn’t end a friendship, but ... do you trust your husband’s judgement? My husband, for example, is a pretty forgiving and easygoing sort. What I’ve learned over the years is that this means when he does have something negative to say about someone, I should really pay attention, because he’s picked up on something serious.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sorry for the confusion. I should have included more details. Here’s the thing- Jane is very into couple activities. She loves holding dinner parties and it will be nit be taken lightly if I start showing up alone. I’m fine going alone but she’s not. She already invited us for a long weekend away with them. Invited our kids too. She sees us as close friends and in her mind it’s probably all forgotten.

“It will not be taken lightly?” Did I take a wrong turn at Albuquerque and end up in an Edith Wharton novel?

Had a childhood friend (since the age of 4) and we were more like sisters.

When she met her now husband, he took an immediate dislike to me. I wasn't crazy about him either but I tried over the years to overlook his caustic remarks and outright hostility towards me. My friend would try to make light of it, and joke it off even though she knew he was serious. I wasn't laughing.

They went on to have two children.

Long story short, after many years of trying, I realized that this man was her husband and father of her children. That trumped any friendship I had with her, even after 30 years.

So I let her go. I didn't want to cause friction in her family. When I saw she wasn't going to fight to keep our friendship, I knew I had done the right thing.

My spouse’s friends do not need to be my friends.

Especially the loud drunk ones.

Does your DH keep friends or does he find reasons to cut off friendships?

It's unimportant if your friend notices the absence of your husband. She is not entitled to information re: why.

- you husband is not obligated to socialize with anyone, for any reason.
- he doesn't need to give a reason
- Op, you can see this friend separately. And no need to talk about her to your DH
- Op, you would be smart to give this some time. Wait 6 months, let ask DH if he's available for a couple's evening

- If not, try after a year.

Is Jane into swinging? The generosity combined with the drinking combined with the insistence on a grown adult’s presence all makes me wonder. To answer your question, support your husband. If you don’t want to support him, do take a good look at why that is. Remember, the details matter. Anything is easy to forgive when it isn’t done or said to you. Be careful of people who pick on your loved ones. Friends can be abusive too, op.

Big groups can be easier with this dynamic. Avoid the 1:1.

Anonymous wrote:Why does the title of your post ask if one would “end a friendship” but in your post you say you have “no intention of dropping her.”

What exactly are you asking here? What are you hoping to get out of posting?

Because OP has an opinion but is wondering if other people would handle it differently.

OP, I would not drop the friendship but I wouldn’t expect DH to go along with Jane’s couple plans. Why should he, if he doesn’t like her? He doesn’t even need a legit reason not to like her. I’d let Jane know, either directly or by constantly making excuses, that DH won’t be coming. If Jane can’t handle that, the friendship may very well die, but that would be on Jane. Hopefully Jane is mature enough to realize it’s fine not to do family things and be able to adjust.