Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 10:41     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.


This sounds about right to me, he got what for him an outcome that he believes is the best possible outcome given the circumstances. He probably feels there is more to gain from being nice to you (perhaps flexibility with the visitation schedule) than not.


OP here - I have always been flexible with visitation so that can’t be it. He, for some dumbass reason, took me to court for visitation/custody. He first told the mediator he wanted sole custody. The mediator almost fell out in laughter. So now our child lives with me and he has standard visitation. It only needs to be flexible for him when he decides he wants to skip a weekend because of other plans. And that’s fine too. Our child would rather not visit him for weekends at all.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 10:30     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
OP - I meant those who “haven’t”
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 10:28     Subject: Re:Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do your best to sustain the anger and the battle. Your child will appreciate it.


She can leery without being angry. She can enforce appropriate boundaries without causing a battle.

OP would be dumb to let her guard down. Believe people the first time they show you who they are. And believe people when they demonstrate that you are a willing repeat victim.

My ex revealed that I am too dumb to trust myself to not try to fix broken men. It was terrible at the time, but now I fully appreciate the lesson. I no longer allow broken men in my life in any capacity. That includes my own father. I remarried a man who is not an emotional cripple looking to blame someone for his failings in life.


OP here - Thank you! You can always tell from the responses who has experience in dealing with toxic/narcissistic behavior. Those who have try to make you feel as if you’re overreacting or angry.

I will never let my guard down. I have known this person for exactly half my life and he has caused way more harm than good.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 10:16     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.


OP here - I agree with most of this except for the part about him fighting dirty in order to win the best possible settlement/position. He actually did the exact opposite of what he should've done throughout our divorce. I believe having an affair partner, moving in with her and then introducing your child to her is on the Top 10 list of things not to do. Not providing support of any kind and failing to pay mortgage that is in your name are also high on the list. He paid dearly for those choices in the end.

You're right he DGAF which is why I wish he would continue that same energy and stop texting me as if we are cool buddies now. We are not. He should know that and continue on with his life.


He was making things hard on you on purpose, trying to break you into agreeing to terms that were less favorable to you. You proved to him that you have some backbone. Good for you, Op.

He means nothing to you now. If he texts you a joke, text back "?" - don't "get it".
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 10:13     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Op - you have to let go and stop caring for him. You are right, he doesn't give a sh*t about you. The truth is, he probably doesn't really give a sh*t about her, either. The person he is looking out for is himself. He asked your son to live with him because the ex thought that would be the most beneficial arrangement for himself. He got shared custody, instead.

He's an ahole. As soon as his new squeeze becomes the least inconvenient for him he'll be off looking for someone else.

Your son is a teen and he'll see it with his own eyes. Do your best to be polite/professional with the ex. Consider him to be a rude client or colleague that you have no choice but to work with for the next few years or so. Your son will be a young adult before you know it.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 10:10     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.


OP here - I agree with most of this except for the part about him fighting dirty in order to win the best possible settlement/position. He actually did the exact opposite of what he should've done throughout our divorce. I believe having an affair partner, moving in with her and then introducing your child to her is on the Top 10 list of things not to do. Not providing support of any kind and failing to pay mortgage that is in your name are also high on the list. He paid dearly for those choices in the end.

You're right he DGAF which is why I wish he would continue that same energy and stop texting me as if we are cool buddies now. We are not. He should know that and continue on with his life.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 10:04     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:Or wait for the snake to rise up to attack; he might want something, be wary


PO here - This is my concern. I feel as though he always has a trick up his sleeve and do not trust him at all.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 10:02     Subject: Re:Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:Do your best to sustain the anger and the battle. Your child will appreciate it.


OP here - you win for weirdest response ever. I have no interest in sustaining anger or battling, nor do I want to be friendly with someone who had absolutely no regard for me. My child is a teen who has witnessed a lot throughout this entire ordeal since he was taken to the mistress's home a couple months after my ex-husband left. Oh, and on that first visit my ex-husband asked our child to live with them. Trust me, if I were to carry an angry torch from now till the end of time my child would COMPLETELY understand.

Thanks for your time though.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 09:19     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.


This sounds about right to me, he got what for him an outcome that he believes is the best possible outcome given the circumstances. He probably feels there is more to gain from being nice to you (perhaps flexibility with the visitation schedule) than not.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 08:37     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.


Not OP- but what a charitable interpretation, except he didn't see his own kid for eleven months, tried to get money, moved in with his mistress, attempted leave OP and their child without a home, etc.

OP- my dad was like this and I swear he's probably got some borderline personality disorder. He used to do things because he's oppositional and attention-seeking. He has no conscience and sees people he was supposed to care about as impediments, competition, or people he can just discard-- including his kids. Charming at first (everyone likes dad until they get to know him) and hated (detested) by most people who truly know him.

I would ignore your ex, and be cautious about your DC spending a lot of time with him- you can't control that, or the relationship, but watch for the poison/toxic nature. I could see your ex deliberately undermining your parenting at every turn because he wants to "bug you" and doesn't give a sh*t about your child's best interests. Seriously.


Yes. You have put into blunt terms what I suspect the Op's ex is all about. He is all about his own self interests and winning - doesn't matter who he hurts as long as he comes out on top.. Agree that Op should watch her child. Try to stay as calm as possible when dealing with the ex, don't let him get under your skin. He isn't a "friend".
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 08:30     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.


Not OP- but what a charitable interpretation, except he didn't see his own kid for eleven months, tried to get money, moved in with his mistress, attempted leave OP and their child without a home, etc.

OP- my dad was like this and I swear he's probably got some borderline personality disorder. He used to do things because he's oppositional and attention-seeking. He has no conscience and sees people he was supposed to care about as impediments, competition, or people he can just discard-- including his kids. Charming at first (everyone likes dad until they get to know him) and hated (detested) by most people who truly know him.

I would ignore your ex, and be cautious about your DC spending a lot of time with him- you can't control that, or the relationship, but watch for the poison/toxic nature. I could see your ex deliberately undermining your parenting at every turn because he wants to "bug you" and doesn't give a sh*t about your child's best interests. Seriously.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 08:27     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Get yourself a new lover - FAST - before those friendly and chatty texts land you in bed with him again.
(You know that's what he wants, right?)
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 08:26     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Or wait for the snake to rise up to attack; he might want something, be wary
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 08:24     Subject: Re:Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:Do your best to sustain the anger and the battle. Your child will appreciate it.


She can leery without being angry. She can enforce appropriate boundaries without causing a battle.

OP would be dumb to let her guard down. Believe people the first time they show you who they are. And believe people when they demonstrate that you are a willing repeat victim.

My ex revealed that I am too dumb to trust myself to not try to fix broken men. It was terrible at the time, but now I fully appreciate the lesson. I no longer allow broken men in my life in any capacity. That includes my own father. I remarried a man who is not an emotional cripple looking to blame someone for his failings in life.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2019 08:21     Subject: Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Continue to detach - gray rock his ass. He's trying to keep you engaged because he needs to be the center of attention.


This.


He's clearly a narcissist and so needs to be the center of attention. Just grey rock. Don't even let him take up any more of your mental space.