PP with special needs child here --

I admire your energy OP.

And glad your SN child is now doing fine after therapy. If your child is "out of the woods" as it were, than I don't see adding another would be taking away from the others.

There was an interesting article a while back in the NYT about affluent people having more than 2 kids (it used to be that richer people had fewer kids) and that a big family is sort of today's status symbol....

The issue is not that my husband doesn't want a biological third. he doesn't want a third. Is your argument that I should ask to adopt a baby? I'm not understanding the theory behind this. Why would adopting a third be easier on him financially or with his time?

I don't know if you can OP. I sympathize with you, because I know some people really want larger families.

I don't really see you backing down as much of a compromise. Having one or none would be a compromise but beyond that, you have agreed to start a family together and you have succeeded. I don't want to downplay your feelings but you have two children, one with special needs, and I don't see how the "average" family, or even above average in terms of finances, etc., would not feel taxed by adding a third. Not just financially but in terms of time, etc. I know people do it and I'm not putting anyone down who has three, four, or five kids if that is what they want and that is what they can handle, but your husband's feelings just do not sound unreasonable in this day and age, expecially in this area.

FWIW we have lots of friends who have three kids and a few who are considering going for a fourth - interestingly not ONE of those couples lives in this area. They are all out in smaller midwestern towns. It is just much easier to manage larger families there it seems. Again, not saying it is impossible, just that it seems like around here, your husband's feelings are more the norm, and you are the one who is the "outlier."

That being said, have you considered looking into fostering a child? Or even adopting an older child? Or is it the baby stage you miss, being pregnant, etc.?

By the way, I'm not talking about wanting to be the Duggars. I'm talking about a third. Its not an outrageous number of children. I'm really surprised by the predominant attitude. I know many families in DC with three and four and they all seem fine and I'm not looking at the mothers saying, "oh, they must be selfish, they must have felt the need to be empowered by a brood."

Our SN child is doing fine after four years of therapy. I'm not going into more detail than that. Both our kids bring us enormous joy and both my husband and I would say that the struggle we went through brought us closer together. My husband would never call my desire for a third a selfish desire. He's just not there.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We do have a child with special needs. Number one was special needs and we went for number two who is healthy. Of course we would be rolling the dice with a third, but you do that everyday of your life. People with "typical' children never know what will happen to them either. We got over that hurdle when we had our first with special needs. So for the people out there that think I don't realize the work it takes, I probably am already doing the work of three kids.

I feel for your husband. You have a special needs child, who requires extra attention, and a second, who also deserves time and attention. And now you're looking at a third?

I cannot be kind in my response, OP. Your desire to have another is selfish. What void do you need to fill? Can't you just find happiness with your two? How would a 3rd add anything "extra" to the mix?

I wonder if some women feel empowered by being surrounded by a brood.

But if you're so delighted in watching your family grow, why don't you consider adopting a special needs child? Why not help a child who's suffering?

and do you have two kids of the same gender?

OP what sort of special needs does you child have?

OP here. We do have a child with special needs. Number one was special needs and we went for number two who is healthy. Of course we would be rolling the dice with a third, but you do that everyday of your life. People with "typical' children never know what will happen to them either. We got over that hurdle when we had our first with special needs. So for the people out there that think I don't realize the work it takes, I probably am already doing the work of three kids.

I'm curious to know the genders of the OP's two kids. Maybe she is trying to balance her family with a girl or boy.

I have a child with special needs -- would OP's husband resent her if the third child (that he had to be talked into) had challenges outside the everyday?

Give the OP a break: wanting one, two or three children involves a lot more feelings than a sense of entitlement. And anyone who has already done the work for two realizes parenting isn't a walk in the park. She was asking for advice not to be bashed.

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you. I agree. We may not have a third, but I don't understand why its me that has to swallow my needs. I think its worth a discussion. And I actually do really worry about resentment on my side if he's not willing to discuss at all. It is a lifelong dream of mine to have a bigger family than just two. I think even if we toyed with the idea and then jointly came to the conclusion that it wasn't possible it would be better than never exploring it.

Because your dream involves him making an enormous sacrifice in time and money. Not having a third child doesn't require you to do anything, except overcome your sense of entitlement.

Anonymous wrote:Well, i have three and based on what you wrote i am not sure you fully realize the impact of three. i too had the feeling of my family not being complete and took the plunge. that feeling of not being complete is quickly replaced with not having sleep, time etc., Just something to consider. Maybe you are a natural nuterer(sp).. wanting to take care of something..what about a puppy?

That's a little insulting. A child is what I want, not a puppy. And I am aware of the time, $, sleep, etc. challenges that come with a third. I said I was willing to take those all on. I realize it will be hard. But also rewarding. I hope its been rewarding for you on some level and that you don't want to trade your third in for a dog.

Well, i have three and based on what you wrote i am not sure you fully realize the impact of three. i too had the feeling of my family not being complete and took the plunge. that feeling of not being complete is quickly replaced with not having sleep, time etc., Just something to consider. Maybe you are a natural nuterer(sp).. wanting to take care of something..what about a puppy?