Yes, but he was gainfully employed, charming and witty, and he died young of a brain tumor. I wish he was still alive to be spoiled and petted over.

In my family, it is my brother. He's the middle child. My mom has always claimed that she would never let him suffer for being the middle child, like she did. The result is an over-coddled man-baby. My parents bailed him out of foreclosure twice. Then he turned up on their doorstep with his mistress pleading homelessness. (He had a perfectly fine home with his wife and 2 children THAT MY PARENTS BAILED OUT OF FORECLOSURE TWICE) They've bought him multiple cars. He currently lives with aforementioned mistress and her 3 children from her marriage, and the 2 children they have together, in the house we grew up in, rent-free.

In DH's family, it is his sister. she is 6 years younger than him, attended college close to home (DH went 4 days drive away). MIL and SIL have this terribly co-dependent relationship. SIL says jump and MIL says "how high?" Currently SIL is attempting to hold Christmas Eve dinner hostage to her various whims and MIL is falling for it (me, I'm holding firm to the 5:00 reservation we have!). But SIL is largely incapable of being an adult. She has a nice job, but taking care of her kid? Managing her house? Basic adult things like keeping your car registration current? Nope. Can't do it, calls MIL crying, MIL takes care of it all. MIL loooooooves feeling needed.

In both cases, my brother and SIL are remarkably self-centered people who have spent their 30+ years upon this earth having every obstacle bulldozed out of their way by mothers who have their identity incredibly intertwined with their child.

Anonymous wrote:I think parents want to be needed in a perverted way so they punish the independent child and continue to maintain the codependency of the other child

Yep. Scapegoat and golden child.

Anonymous wrote:I think parents want to be needed in a perverted way so they punish the independent child and continue to maintain the codependency of the other child

That's been my experience (as an independent child)

My family was a combined family- 3 kids from one parent, 1 kid from another. 3 kids: girl (me), boy, boy. 1 kid: girl.

The girl was and has been pampered and treated special our entire lives. My mom married her dad when I was 16/17. She had the biggest room in the house even though she only lived part-time. Never held a job until she had two kids. Lived between my parents house and her moms house- playing them against one another.

My parents bought a house for her that they say is an "investment property" but she only pays 2/3 of the market rate for rent. They give her babysitting free and often. Watching her two girls every other weekend for overnight and other visits.

I couldnt shower after coming home from working at the local pizza place in high school- while being in the mentor program and 2 AP classes- because she said it would wake her up. The dynamic hasnt changed even though we have gotten older.

I think parents want to be needed in a perverted way so they punish the independent child and continue to maintain the codependency of the other child

In my case parents shot down every teacher who implied she had personality issues and got super defensive. Now that she is lonely and unfulfilled it is supposed to be our problem to be her friends. She has no friends because she is cut throat, narcissistic and self-centered, not because she is sweet, shy and socially clueless. I would gladly look out for a sibling with the latter.

*autocorrection goblin in action " illness " not "idleness"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like mental health issues. I think it’s complicated. If your child can’t move on with life, you don’t want to see them on the street. And it’s not like you can control an adult.

I have a seriously mentally teen. I often wonder if I’m going to be in these parents shoes.

I can understand that as one of my kids has SN. However, in both cases they can hold down good jobs.

This might not be mental illness per se but those people might be off in some other way that p arents
are aware of and you are not. There are certain conditions that are not consider mental idleness
where people can hold jobs just fine, be super achieved and yet they have social and other deficiencies.
One of them is Autism Spectrum Disorder aka Asperger's.
If you ever flipped channels, Big Bang Theory.. Sheldon.. he is suspected to have ASD by some,
not having it being declared by the makers of the show, yet many argue that his behavior
exhibits many ASD traits.

I have three siblings with SN. Then there are three of us NT. I’m pretty sure if you I’ll each of us, you’ll get six different answers about who is pampered.

My sister always got everything her way her entire life. She would sit in her room and not eat until my parents broke down and gave her whatever she wanted. I remember one time she was sad about something and my mom took her on a trip to a theme park 2 hours away. They bought her an expensive, impractical car for no reason. Guess what? She is an insufferable adult now! Has zero empathy for other people and can't handle conflict. She basically does the same thing she's done her whole life - silent treatment until the other person gives in.

My brother. He's the middle child, between two girls. In my family boys are always favored, so I think it comes from that.

Anonymous wrote:Google scapegoat and golden child. Seems to describe many of the dynamics here. Scapegoats tend to be independent while the golden child is raised codependent and tends to be very dysfunctional.

+1

This has happened in my dad’s brother’s family. Older child was always left to fend for themselves, younger one was treated much better. Things came to a head when the first child married against his parents wishes. They began overcompensating even more aggressively with the second to “punish” the first.
Net result is that the first son has a great career, happy family and minimal contact with his parents. Younger son has an okay job and seems happy enough but has to live under his domineering mother’s thumb.

Google scapegoat and golden child. Seems to describe many of the dynamics here. Scapegoats tend to be independent while the golden child is raised codependent and tends to be very dysfunctional.