Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect a 3rd grader and your preschooler (with some disabilities) to be buddies and play harmoniously together for several hours while parents are off socializing?

Of course I do. Have you never been to someone else’s home where the multi age kids go off to another room and watch a movie? Or go to someone’s playroom to check out the toys? in this most recent case they were watching a movie and I 1000 percent expect older children to not antagonize him.

NP- for HOURS? Wow. Your expectations are crazy.

I am a first generation American so maybe I get a free pass from friends on this (who may have a different expectation of me because of my background), but I don't hesitate to weigh in when a kid is being naughty or rude to another child. Or if i know I have to deal with a particular issue ahead of time, I announce the rules of play right before they commence playing.

For both situations, I always do it in a kind but strict tone. Want ALL the kids at my house to be slightly in awe of me so they don't tear my house apart or misbehave, and think rule-setting early in any social event is helpful.

I'm not sure this will work in your situation, but want to offer some ideas.

It sounds like the 3rd grader thinks it's her role in these situations to "police" your son. She doesn't realize that it isn't appropriate. I've seen lots of girls this age with similar behavior (usually towards their own siblings). It's not unusual.

That said, it sounds like at these ages the two of them don't mesh well together. So you either need to keep your DS home with a sitter or bring a sitter with you to take on the role of "policing" (not that your son needs it - rather the girl needs to be told be an authority figure that it isn't her role).

Don't worry about it too much. In a year or two (or three) the dynamic may change enough that they can be in the same room together without an adult present. Right now though, it's clear that they can't.

So are there other kids at this gathering? And what are they doing?

Are you sure your preschooler isnt being annoying and getting in the way all the time so the 3rd grader gets snippy....not the other way around as you describe ("3rd grader 'snatches' mardi gras beads from my kid").

This is 1-sided for sure. And if this is as dramatic as you make it out to be, why isnt the 3rd grader's mom noticing any of this?

I’m sorry, OP. That kind of behavior would upset me, too. Some kids are just mean. We have a neighbor girl who comes to our house to play with our 7 yo and bullies our 5 yo because she does not want her hanging around. The parent should be correcting this behavior. I think it says something about your “friend” if she lets her child pick on yours. If my kids ever tried that, I would put a stop to it immediately. We have friends of all ages who play at our home, with our toys, including two children with SN, and my daughters are kind to everyone.

I would address it next time it happens. Point out what the child is doing and ask the mom to handle it. If she doesn’t do anything, then it’s up to you to do the correcting. “Larla, Larlo is allowed to play with the toys here, too, please go choose something else.” “Larla, please leave Larlo alone.”

OP’s dilemma

How often are these gettogethers and how long do they last?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this child is as awful to your son as you describe, you need to have a conversation with your friend about her child’s behavior.
If not, stop doing things with them. Don’t let a 3rd grader torment your son (and you).

Do you have any thoughts on how the conversation should go without completely destroying the friendship? I think that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

I guess it comes down to what you value more; possibly hurt your friend’s feelings or have your son continually harassed. If it were me, I’d tell my friend what I’m seeing between the children and my feelings on the situation. There really isn’t a nice way to tell your friend you don’t approve of their child’s behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this child is as awful to your son as you describe, you need to have a conversation with your friend about her child’s behavior.
If not, stop doing things with them. Don’t let a 3rd grader torment your son (and you).

Do you have any thoughts on how the conversation should go without completely destroying the friendship? I think that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

NP. I think this conversation will kill the friendship - your friend will take her own DD’s side. If you want to continue hanging out with them, you will have to handle it right then and there - say “We don’t say that to friends” or “Let’s all be nice to each other” or some other passive aggressive comment. Something similar happens to my younger DD (6) to with a certain group of friends with 4th grader DDs, thought it’s more excluding than active teasing. I have my DD sit near me with a screen (I know it’s not the best but I want to hang out with this friends group but not have my DD feel excluded the whole time).

Anonymous wrote:If this child is as awful to your son as you describe, you need to have a conversation with your friend about her child’s behavior.
If not, stop doing things with them. Don’t let a 3rd grader torment your son (and you).

Do you have any thoughts on how the conversation should go without completely destroying the friendship? I think that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

If this child is as awful to your son as you describe, you need to have a conversation with your friend about her child’s behavior.
If not, stop doing things with them. Don’t let a 3rd grader torment your son (and you).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect a 3rd grader and your preschooler (with some disabilities) to be buddies and play harmoniously together for several hours while parents are off socializing?

Other examples- my friend has some Mardi Gras beads in her living room that my child always plays with when he comes over. So he approached the Mardi Gras beads and she snatched them and said he couldn’t play with them. Also someone had brought a dog to the party and she kept shrieking that my child could not play with the dog. In general my son is very intimidated by girls, I think due to their more complex and advanced language, so he’s not really trying to interfere with whatever she’s doing. She’s just policing every single thing he’s doing- anything he is interested in, she is snatching or saying no he cannot have it. Anything he finds to do that is interesting, she has to take it from him.

Was she like this from the very beginning? Because this is what happens when someone just gets 100% sick to death of someone. Sounds like she's had to deal with your kid way too much and now everything he does is annoying. Maybe she resents needing to watch baby movies so they're appropriate for your 4 year old. It really doesn't sound like you've tried to imagine things from this girl's perspective.

You are there to socialize with YOUR friends. Your kid is not her friend. Is she allowed to simply go to her room and do her own thing and ignore your son and let him watch a baby movie? If she's allowed to do that but still chooses to annoy your son, then she is wrong. If you (or her mom) are expecting her to sit and participate and entertain your son, then you are wrong.

We have never played at the child’s house. We were at a mutual friend’s house and we got there after them, so they chose the show. You’re way off if you think my kid would have any agency in choosing a tv show around her. She doesn’t have a room to go to since it is not her house. My son comes in and the minute his feet hit the carpet, she on him, correcting him, snatching things, etc. We have never played at their house. We have been invited but I’ve always demurred to a playground so that my child can do his own thing if she gets nasty with him. However, I’ve never had an issue at a playground- only at restaurants and in people’s homes. I think she gets bored and irritable and she amuses herself by taunting my child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect a 3rd grader and your preschooler (with some disabilities) to be buddies and play harmoniously together for several hours while parents are off socializing?

Other examples- my friend has some Mardi Gras beads in her living room that my child always plays with when he comes over. So he approached the Mardi Gras beads and she snatched them and said he couldn’t play with them. Also someone had brought a dog to the party and she kept shrieking that my child could not play with the dog. In general my son is very intimidated by girls, I think due to their more complex and advanced language, so he’s not really trying to interfere with whatever she’s doing. She’s just policing every single thing he’s doing- anything he is interested in, she is snatching or saying no he cannot have it. Anything he finds to do that is interesting, she has to take it from him.

Was she like this from the very beginning? Because this is what happens when someone just gets 100% sick to death of someone. Sounds like she's had to deal with your kid way too much and now everything he does is annoying. Maybe she resents needing to watch baby movies so they're appropriate for your 4 year old. It really doesn't sound like you've tried to imagine things from this girl's perspective.

You are there to socialize with YOUR friends. Your kid is not her friend. Is she allowed to simply go to her room and do her own thing and ignore your son and let him watch a baby movie? If she's allowed to do that but still chooses to annoy your son, then she is wrong. If you (or her mom) are expecting her to sit and participate and entertain your son, then you are wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Bring your own toys. Those are hers and you should ask. You are expecting way to much from this child. Sound like you need to do much more st and get your child more help.

They are not the child’s toys. They are my childless friend’s toy items that my son plays with when we go to her house. The other children also came to my childless friend’s house. And frankly, even if we were at the child’s house I would expect my child to be allowed to play with any toys that are out. When other children play in our home, my child is expected to let other children play with his toys. Toys that are off-limits to other children (which is only his lovey at this point) are in the bedroom.

Bring your own toys. Those are hers and you should ask. You are expecting way to much from this child. Sound like you need to do much more st and get your child more help.