Are you the same OP of "I lost it with dd when she got an 84 in AP class?" You sound just like her.
I feel like you are screaming at us here on dcum, you are now adding teeth, and shoes? WTH? You are her parent, buy her new shoes is these have holes. It sounds like you can't make up your mind if you are a parent and what it means to be a parent. How can she have shoes with holes? Are you really poor? And why is a child is executive functioning issues taking AP physics? That makes no sense. It makes no sense that she was taking honors physics last year either if she struggles.
You are not making any sense, you came off as controlling and in charge, but now you are just letting the things fall apart and her teeth are rotting?! Let your DH's mom handle it, she knew what she was doing, clearly!

At this rate there is a good chance your DD is going to flunk out of college because she’s never learned to manage herself. She’s spending all her energy on getting around control freak you.

The main reason she has poor executive functioning is because you never let her figure it out for herself. You sound like you are raising elementary schoolers not kids in high school. Bet your DD can’t wait to leave home for college. You have to chill.

The point is for her to get more sleep. Will punishing her result in more sleep? Did taking away her phone make her understand the importance of sleep?

Anonymous wrote:Your dh sounds like a great dad, tbh. You sounds like a controlling freak. I wonder if your dd has an executive function issue or if she just doesn't fit into your idea of a perfect kid. My dd is doing great in college and her room at home is a disaster, so what? I am not going to alienate my almost adults children because I want her room clean. That is not worth it. I would like it clean, but oh, well. She will get it soon enough!

It's not about a messy room. It's about getting enough sleep so she doesn't have brain fog.
Organization is hard enough for her even with a good night's sleep. 4-5 hours a night all week, kills her yet she doesn't realize she would feel better if she respected rest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dh sounds like a great dad, tbh. You sounds like a controlling freak. I wonder if your dd has an executive function issue or if she just doesn't fit into your idea of a perfect kid. My dd is doing great in college and her room at home is a disaster, so what? I am not going to alienate my almost adults children because I want her room clean. That is not worth it. I would like it clean, but oh, well. She will get it soon enough!

Op here - yes, she has significant executive functioning issues as she was tested in 8th grade.
After lengthy conversations, bedtime and screen time rules were what we were focusing on as pot, drinking cutting school were not issues. Her room's a mess but that's okay. She's late to everything but that's on her. I don't remind her it's rude to meet up with friends 30+ minutes after the agreed upon time.

Setting a reasonable bedtime was necessary as she was constantly overwhelmed with so much due to lack of sleep and time management. SHe was in constant stressed out mode. Her brain and short term memory was overwhelmed and she was struggling socially as she was cranky and she stress eats.

So from what I am reading, I should basically just stop - let her stay up as late as she wants and allow her to spend 6-8 hours after school on Instagram and snapchat? I just can't see that as ending well.

In some ways... yes. You should allow her to manage her time herself. She is taking physics? How is she doing? As or Cs? If she is passing, yes, let her fail a bit on her own. You can't go to school for her. You can't go to college with her(well, you shouldn't). Most HS kids to spend almost all their time on social media. Sadly they do. So yes, relax a bit. Tell her you will let her do things on her own. Dad is there and they know how to play you two against each other. You need to relax.

Currently she has a 61 (D) for the quarter and a 72.4 (C-) for the semester in AP physics. This is after she took physics honors with B+s. She admitted she slacked on paying attention in class and understanding the content and dug herself into a deep hole in the class. Normally she's a 3.8ish student with never anything below a B.

I just sat and watched her grade drop until she came to me. She told me her plan of going to office hours and she asked for more time with her math tutor as she wasn't understanding the math part of physics. great!!

I have seen the health and social consequences of screen time and lack of sleep. I could also nag her about brushing her teeth so they don't become orange due to plaque buildup, to make her bed, or remind her to brush her hair, or buy a new pair of shoes - ones without holes. I could step in to insist her binder, notebooks and backpack are organized so she doesn't stress about losing homework or other important papers, but I don't. I could call the eye doctor to order the colored contacts she desperately wants, but she said she would, so I don't. I could help her get to Starbucks on-time so her friends don't leave without her, but I don't. She experiences those constant failures over and over and over again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dh sounds like a great dad, tbh. You sounds like a controlling freak. I wonder if your dd has an executive function issue or if she just doesn't fit into your idea of a perfect kid. My dd is doing great in college and her room at home is a disaster, so what? I am not going to alienate my almost adults children because I want her room clean. That is not worth it. I would like it clean, but oh, well. She will get it soon enough!

Op here - yes, she has significant executive functioning issues as she was tested in 8th grade.
After lengthy conversations, bedtime and screen time rules were what we were focusing on as pot, drinking cutting school were not issues. Her room's a mess but that's okay. She's late to everything but that's on her. I don't remind her it's rude to meet up with friends 30+ minutes after the agreed upon time.

Setting a reasonable bedtime was necessary as she was constantly overwhelmed with so much due to lack of sleep and time management. SHe was in constant stressed out mode. Her brain and short term memory was overwhelmed and she was struggling socially as she was cranky and she stress eats.

So from what I am reading, I should basically just stop - let her stay up as late as she wants and allow her to spend 6-8 hours after school on Instagram and snapchat? I just can't see that as ending well.

In some ways... yes. You should allow her to manage her time herself. She is taking physics? How is she doing? As or Cs? If she is passing, yes, let her fail a bit on her own. You can't go to school for her. You can't go to college with her(well, you shouldn't). Most HS kids to spend almost all their time on social media. Sadly they do. So yes, relax a bit. Tell her you will let her do things on her own. Dad is there and they know how to play you two against each other. You need to relax.

Anonymous wrote:Your dh sounds like a great dad, tbh. You sounds like a controlling freak. I wonder if your dd has an executive function issue or if she just doesn't fit into your idea of a perfect kid. My dd is doing great in college and her room at home is a disaster, so what? I am not going to alienate my almost adults children because I want her room clean. That is not worth it. I would like it clean, but oh, well. She will get it soon enough!

Op here - yes, she has significant executive functioning issues as she was tested in 8th grade.
After lengthy conversations, bedtime and screen time rules were what we were focusing on as pot, drinking cutting school were not issues. Her room's a mess but that's okay. She's late to everything but that's on her. I don't remind her it's rude to meet up with friends 30+ minutes after the agreed upon time.

Setting a reasonable bedtime was necessary as she was constantly overwhelmed with so much due to lack of sleep and time management. SHe was in constant stressed out mode. Her brain and short term memory was overwhelmed and she was struggling socially as she was cranky and she stress eats.

So from what I am reading, I should basically just stop - let her stay up as late as she wants and allow her to spend 6-8 hours after school on Instagram and snapchat? I just can't see that as ending well.

Your dh sounds like a great dad, tbh. You sounds like a controlling freak. I wonder if your dd has an executive function issue or if she just doesn't fit into your idea of a perfect kid. My dd is doing great in college and her room at home is a disaster, so what? I am not going to alienate my almost adults children because I want her room clean. That is not worth it. I would like it clean, but oh, well. She will get it soon enough!

He had a great role model. I have no idea what you are talking about. His single mom installed values of learning and never giving up and working. She provided for him. You sound like you are parenting elementary school kids when your dds are teens. You sound like a clueless one, to be honest. Clean rooms and set the table is all great, but I don't see anything about alcohol, pot, vaping, sneaking, staying up all night, spending the night at the "friends" house. In fact the studying at night issue is weird and I have no idea what you are upset about. You are stuck on rules for 7 year olds. Please reevaluate this need to control your teens daughters. I recommend you see a therapist to work on your issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job outside the home?

You sound exhausting!!

Really?

She's setting screen-time and a reasonable bedtime. She said she let other things go.

The kids are 14 and 17, not 4 and 7. I don't disagree with setting limits on screen time, but in near adults? You've got to help them learn to do things for themselves, suffer consequences for poor choices, etc. while under your care, so they don't completely fall down when they're on their own. I mean, what's this 17 year old going to do when she goes to college, if she still needs mommy to tell her when to go to bed?

Whatever is going on in the household I don't think can be fixed by DH coming around to agreeing with OP on screen time and bed time.

Kids with executive function issues manage best with structure.

There are many things wrong in this household, but dad stepping up would be a big step.

This is what I am trying to help her with after getting her buy in. SHe needs help setting structure so she can be successful in college. We tried for years to do it my husband's way of letting her figure it out. It was just a mess and she just couldn't see where failure was and why. SHe just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole and her self esteem was in the toilet.
Our counselor suggested the family meeting....

Your DH figured it out without structure. She will too. But on her timetable, not yours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job outside the home?

You sound exhausting!!

Really?

She's setting screen-time and a reasonable bedtime. She said she let other things go.

The kids are 14 and 17, not 4 and 7. I don't disagree with setting limits on screen time, but in near adults? You've got to help them learn to do things for themselves, suffer consequences for poor choices, etc. while under your care, so they don't completely fall down when they're on their own. I mean, what's this 17 year old going to do when she goes to college, if she still needs mommy to tell her when to go to bed?

Whatever is going on in the household I don't think can be fixed by DH coming around to agreeing with OP on screen time and bed time.

Kids with executive function issues manage best with structure.

There are many things wrong in this household, but dad stepping up would be a big step.

This is what I am trying to help her with after getting her buy in. SHe needs help setting structure so she can be successful in college. We tried for years to do it my husband's way of letting her figure it out. It was just a mess and she just couldn't see where failure was and why. SHe just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole and her self esteem was in the toilet.
Our counselor suggested the family meeting....

Anonymous wrote:OP you said in the title your DH wasn't parenting, but when I read your post he does want to parent in a way that's different from yours. You blame his mother, then you blame him. You are upset that your daughter was studying late for an exam, but she wasn't actually taking the exam the next day because you scheduled a dentist appt over it (which is not setting your dd up for success).

I have teens and I find that suggesting and negotiating and talking about expectations goes a lot farther than an iron fist. I can't imagine telling my 16yo when to go to bed because I agree with the pp who said that they have to figure it out soon enough.

I hope you'll examine your own behavior and discontent, and maybe you'll find with some change that your family will react more positively.

Op here . Historically DH doesn't parent - he's a lawnmower dad with anxiety and fear of discontent. He comes to their rescue whenever there's a struggle. He smooths things out for both of them. He does things they should do themselves like he'll get up and get them a snack because they are too lazy to get it themselves. He'll look for their phone/laptop charger they can't find while while play on their phone. It's maddening.

DD1 actually wasn't studying when I came downstairs after 11 pm. She had her phone and was watching a movie or tv show. That's why I was mad. IF she was studying, I would have asked her if she needed any help.

DD has extra time on exams due to executive function deficits. She took part one on Friday. She was suppose to take part two after school today. She scheduled her dentist appointment herself several months ago. The appointment is right after school. I told her to call the dentist before they closed Friday afternoon when she knew she needed extra time on the test, but she "forgot."
She has said not to make her appointments because I don't know her schedule, so I had nothing to do with this appointment time.

Many teens start homework late, don't get enough sleep, waste time on YouTube. It's not my hill to die on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job outside the home?

You sound exhausting!!

Really?

She's setting screen-time and a reasonable bedtime. She said she let other things go.

The kids are 14 and 17, not 4 and 7. I don't disagree with setting limits on screen time, but in near adults? You've got to help them learn to do things for themselves, suffer consequences for poor choices, etc. while under your care, so they don't completely fall down when they're on their own. I mean, what's this 17 year old going to do when she goes to college, if she still needs mommy to tell her when to go to bed?

Whatever is going on in the household I don't think can be fixed by DH coming around to agreeing with OP on screen time and bed time.

Kids with executive function issues manage best with structure.

There are many things wrong in this household, but dad stepping up would be a big step.

pp - coming back to add...do you think your control issues are related to your kids getting older and moving on? I know it's hard, and I've struggled with the idea. Just throwing it out there if it resonates.