Anonymous
12/29/2019 23:20
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mom's narcissism and intense self focus has gotten worse. She's in her 80s and a widow and so people outside of the family give her a pass and fall for the helpless, little old lady narrative.
But as her DD, I can only take so much. She score keeps among her children; who has most recently called, visited, helped her and the more extraordinary act of service, the better. Then she will call and tell me how my brother drove over to her house at sunrise, on the way to work, to fix something in her house and how she never sees me.
She has high expectations. Doesn't drive, but wants to be driven everywhere and taken on vacations or at least invited along. I've posted on dcum before how I've flown and driven w my mom and she will not read, knit or otherwise occupy herself. Nope. She just talks, incessantly, about herself.
Wow I relate to this except mine is late 70s. She milks up the whole widow thing, but she was an angry, resentful caregiver who we had to intervene with because she was becoming verbally abusive with both our father and the all the support staff. She totally tries to pull the "this sibling did this for me" or so and so's daughter does X,y, and z. I just end the conversation or leave. I don't try to refute or tell her to stop being manipulative because it sets off her tantrums. I just politely make an excuse to exit stage left.
She has evolved into a sometimes cruel, often needy, sometimes angry, often self-absorbed and difficult person. I wish she were in a state to be able to do volunteer work. She needs other things to obsess about.
What did you do to intervene? Did it work?
Anonymous
12/27/2019 17:47
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mom's narcissism and intense self focus has gotten worse. She's in her 80s and a widow and so people outside of the family give her a pass and fall for the helpless, little old lady narrative.
But as her DD, I can only take so much. She score keeps among her children; who has most recently called, visited, helped her and the more extraordinary act of service, the better. Then she will call and tell me how my brother drove over to her house at sunrise, on the way to work, to fix something in her house and how she never sees me.
She has high expectations. Doesn't drive, but wants to be driven everywhere and taken on vacations or at least invited along. I've posted on dcum before how I've flown and driven w my mom and she will not read, knit or otherwise occupy herself. Nope. She just talks, incessantly, about herself.
Wow I relate to this except mine is late 70s. She milks up the whole widow thing, but she was an angry, resentful caregiver who we had to intervene with because she was becoming verbally abusive with both our father and the all the support staff. She totally tries to pull the "this sibling did this for me" or so and so's daughter does X,y, and z. I just end the conversation or leave. I don't try to refute or tell her to stop being manipulative because it sets off her tantrums. I just politely make an excuse to exit stage left.
She has evolved into a sometimes cruel, often needy, sometimes angry, often self-absorbed and difficult person. I wish she were in a state to be able to do volunteer work. She needs other things to obsess about.
PP quoted and a family member just asked my mom at Christmas if she'd consider volunteering with her at a nearby school. This simple conversation set my mom off...my mom had to find me to scoffand criticize the relative for the suggestion. I disagreed and said it sounded like a great idea...only to have my mom proclaim that she has no time because she's so busy. She's not. She just can't imagine doing something helpful without immediate, tangible benefits for HERSELF. She loves to throw money at just about anything as long as she gets a public acknowledgement.
Anonymous
12/27/2019 14:30
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:My mom's narcissism and intense self focus has gotten worse. She's in her 80s and a widow and so people outside of the family give her a pass and fall for the helpless, little old lady narrative.
But as her DD, I can only take so much. She score keeps among her children; who has most recently called, visited, helped her and the more extraordinary act of service, the better. Then she will call and tell me how my brother drove over to her house at sunrise, on the way to work, to fix something in her house and how she never sees me.
She has high expectations. Doesn't drive, but wants to be driven everywhere and taken on vacations or at least invited along. I've posted on dcum before how I've flown and driven w my mom and she will not read, knit or otherwise occupy herself. Nope. She just talks, incessantly, about herself.
Wow I relate to this except mine is late 70s. She milks up the whole widow thing, but she was an angry, resentful caregiver who we had to intervene with because she was becoming verbally abusive with both our father and the all the support staff. She totally tries to pull the "this sibling did this for me" or so and so's daughter does X,y, and z. I just end the conversation or leave. I don't try to refute or tell her to stop being manipulative because it sets off her tantrums. I just politely make an excuse to exit stage left.
She has evolved into a sometimes cruel, often needy, sometimes angry, often self-absorbed and difficult person. I wish she were in a state to be able to do volunteer work. She needs other things to obsess about.
Anonymous
12/27/2019 12:41
Subject: Re:Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:How old do you consider elderly? Like over 70?
My mother is 71 and exhibits all of the behaviors mentioned by prior posters
Anonymous
12/27/2019 12:11
Subject: Re:Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
How old do you consider elderly? Like over 70?
Anonymous
12/27/2019 10:26
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Sorry and another thing. Still going here...this is anonymous right?
Mom was beyond angry and "disappointed" when my SIL (whose parents died long ago) planned a trip away for Thanksgiving. She couldn't see her grandchildren at Thanksgiving!
My mom loves to complain about how my career and volunteer work take too much time away from "family" (her) but this is mostly because I work shifts but never share when I have a day off. Done that before and she will begin her passive aggressive plan to have me spend the day doing things for her. There's never anything fun like lunch or going out to a movie. More like come over on your day off and clean out the garage, organize, work. Idle chat about my volunteer work...she doesn't want to hear about it and instead asks me when I'm going to give it up.
Mom was beyond angry and "disappointed" when my SIL (whose parents died long ago) planned a trip away for Thanksgiving. She couldn't see her grandchildren at Thanksgiving!
My mom loves to complain about how my career and volunteer work take too much time away from "family" (her) but this is mostly because I work shifts but never share when I have a day off. Done that before and she will begin her passive aggressive plan to have me spend the day doing things for her. There's never anything fun like lunch or going out to a movie. More like come over on your day off and clean out the garage, organize, work. Idle chat about my volunteer work...she doesn't want to hear about it and instead asks me when I'm going to give it up.
Anonymous
12/27/2019 10:14
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
10:05 posted my rant too soon.
She will travel to visit a family member then become disappointed if she is put up in a hotel. Why can't she stay with family? She's easy and can sleep anywhere, she'll say. My mom demands to be served, celebrated, hosted and given attention.
Recent gathering example; her grandson talked about how he just got a driver's license. I show genuine interest, ask some questions - when my mom interrupts to announce how delighted she was that grandchild called her to tell her this, her reaction and HER memory and long story about driving.
All of this wrapped up in judgement and gossip.
She will travel to visit a family member then become disappointed if she is put up in a hotel. Why can't she stay with family? She's easy and can sleep anywhere, she'll say. My mom demands to be served, celebrated, hosted and given attention.
Recent gathering example; her grandson talked about how he just got a driver's license. I show genuine interest, ask some questions - when my mom interrupts to announce how delighted she was that grandchild called her to tell her this, her reaction and HER memory and long story about driving.
All of this wrapped up in judgement and gossip.
Anonymous
12/27/2019 10:05
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
My mom's narcissism and intense self focus has gotten worse. She's in her 80s and a widow and so people outside of the family give her a pass and fall for the helpless, little old lady narrative.
But as her DD, I can only take so much. She score keeps among her children; who has most recently called, visited, helped her and the more extraordinary act of service, the better. Then she will call and tell me how my brother drove over to her house at sunrise, on the way to work, to fix something in her house and how she never sees me.
She has high expectations. Doesn't drive, but wants to be driven everywhere and taken on vacations or at least invited along. I've posted on dcum before how I've flown and driven w my mom and she will not read, knit or otherwise occupy herself. Nope. She just talks, incessantly, about herself.
But as her DD, I can only take so much. She score keeps among her children; who has most recently called, visited, helped her and the more extraordinary act of service, the better. Then she will call and tell me how my brother drove over to her house at sunrise, on the way to work, to fix something in her house and how she never sees me.
She has high expectations. Doesn't drive, but wants to be driven everywhere and taken on vacations or at least invited along. I've posted on dcum before how I've flown and driven w my mom and she will not read, knit or otherwise occupy herself. Nope. She just talks, incessantly, about herself.
Anonymous
12/27/2019 09:49
Subject: Re:Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Yep. MIL picked a fight during our Christmas celebration with her on Christmas Eve. Good times!
Anonymous
12/23/2019 17:59
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she bored or feeling like no one needs her. Perhaps she is causing drama because people call and visit her more to talk about the issue. It's manipulative.
Otherwise yes there may be some cognitive decline.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
NP.
This is the case with mine. I actually had to hang up on her today because she kept yelling at me.
What do you guys do to deal with this behavior? She has driven everyone away except my dad and me (and I'm on the brink). Mine is 72.
Mine has tantrums. I walk on eggshells and avoid conversations that could stress her. When I see signs she is getting crazy i make an excuse to leave or get off phone or change subject. I have literally walked out the door during a tantrum. She decided I was off the rails for doing that. I think the combo of losing hearing, losing filter and losing awareness makes for some very loud yelling.
Was there any aspect of this in her personality prior to aging?
I am the poster you are responding to. Much like the other poster, my mother has been prickly in the past, but was a good mother, especially once we were adults. Stress is what sets off her crazy and now aging is doing it. She also used to be more respectful of boundaries. Now living near her is suffocating. I do find setting limits has forced her to connect more with peers, but she is desperate to become part of my social circle and it's not going to happen...in part because they are the people I vent to about her temper tantrums and abusive rants.
Anonymous
12/23/2019 12:49
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she bored or feeling like no one needs her. Perhaps she is causing drama because people call and visit her more to talk about the issue. It's manipulative.
Otherwise yes there may be some cognitive decline.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
NP.
This is the case with mine. I actually had to hang up on her today because she kept yelling at me.
What do you guys do to deal with this behavior? She has driven everyone away except my dad and me (and I'm on the brink). Mine is 72.
Mine has tantrums. I walk on eggshells and avoid conversations that could stress her. When I see signs she is getting crazy i make an excuse to leave or get off phone or change subject. I have literally walked out the door during a tantrum. She decided I was off the rails for doing that. I think the combo of losing hearing, losing filter and losing awareness makes for some very loud yelling.
Was there any aspect of this in her personality prior to aging?
Thanks P-PP. I am the "NP" above. I'm just learning that your strategy of avoidance is what works, after a really bad tantrum.
As for the PP's question, yes, mine has always been a bit prickly but was a wonderful mom to me growing up. So I am very conflicted between trying to preserve my own sanity for the sake of my kids and husband and trying to help as much as possible. They live in Canada on the west coast which makes things even more difficult.
Anonymous
12/23/2019 07:39
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she bored or feeling like no one needs her. Perhaps she is causing drama because people call and visit her more to talk about the issue. It's manipulative.
Otherwise yes there may be some cognitive decline.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
NP.
This is the case with mine. I actually had to hang up on her today because she kept yelling at me.
What do you guys do to deal with this behavior? She has driven everyone away except my dad and me (and I'm on the brink). Mine is 72.
Mine has tantrums. I walk on eggshells and avoid conversations that could stress her. When I see signs she is getting crazy i make an excuse to leave or get off phone or change subject. I have literally walked out the door during a tantrum. She decided I was off the rails for doing that. I think the combo of losing hearing, losing filter and losing awareness makes for some very loud yelling.
Was there any aspect of this in her personality prior to aging?
Anonymous
12/22/2019 17:33
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she bored or feeling like no one needs her. Perhaps she is causing drama because people call and visit her more to talk about the issue. It's manipulative.
Otherwise yes there may be some cognitive decline.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
NP.
This is the case with mine. I actually had to hang up on her today because she kept yelling at me.
What do you guys do to deal with this behavior? She has driven everyone away except my dad and me (and I'm on the brink). Mine is 72.
Mine has tantrums. I walk on eggshells and avoid conversations that could stress her. When I see signs she is getting crazy i make an excuse to leave or get off phone or change subject. I have literally walked out the door during a tantrum. She decided I was off the rails for doing that. I think the combo of losing hearing, losing filter and losing awareness makes for some very loud yelling.
Anonymous
12/22/2019 17:30
Subject: Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why are ANY mood changes for people 50+ automatically considered dementia?
It could be so many things that cause a person's mood to change. If you took away the age factor and identified the same issues for a person who is younger, no one would immediately say, "Dementia!"
One thing that definitely does change with age is the lack of tolerance for B.S. Maybe OPs mother has reached the stage where she is going to call it like she sees it and be honest instead of trying to make nice.
I’m 58. Mine is blamed on everything when I’ve said over and over again that I want to do more for myself, instead of stay home and take care of household sh*t so my husband’s life can be easy. When I say ‘it’s my turn’, it’s immediately turned into ‘selfishness’.
So yes, mother might be feeling lots of things rather than dementia. Mine is having no real mood shifts, but is forgetting to pay bills, doesn’t understand money like she used to, and tends to screw up in the kitchen. THOSE are signs of aging.
Forgetting to pay bills can be a sign of dementia actually.
Anonymous
12/22/2019 16:49
Subject: Re:Has your elderly mother become a trouble maker/drama starter
As I've gotten older I've become more aware of how bad my 70 y/o father is. I don't think he's changed as much as I'm just more aware. I can barely stand him now.