OP, I have three kids using donor eggs and my infertility was also age-related after my husband took years to commit. I am pretty well situated to give you advice. I was a little angry with him, but only about the pain of our infertility struggle. Never about the fact that I had to use donor eggs. I was never that invested in genetics but I am glad that my kids, who are from different donors, are genetically related to each other through him. You have an older child and you do want to really think about the fact that you could give them a genetic connection to each other and you don’t want to. It’s definitely not necessary between siblings, but it is something they could share in this case. You seem very focused on making sure there are consequences for your husband, but not very focused on the consequences to your existing child.

As an aside, I will say that donor egg babies are amazing. I love mine to pieces and rarely think about their genetics. It seems so big when you are going through the process, but then they are born and you just get on with the business of parenting and it’s not something you dwell on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[b]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, OP, the gestational mother’s DNA does indirectly contribute to any embryo implanted within her, as it’s her genes that determine whether or not certain genes in the fetus get “switched on” or not. MicroRNA is what you’d want to google if interested[b]

In short, you’ll have a biological connection to the baby regardless. I’m not sure it would even be “fair,” then, to try to ensure your husband doesn’t have one.

Sorry but this isn’t a big deal. Epigenetics gets blown way out of proportion in the infertility world in order to make women feel they have more impact on the baby than they actually do.

Agree. And I think men tend to use that argument with women to have them use donor eggs. The fact of the matter is that it is my fertility that was ruined - not his - by his actions - delaying years.

so you want to punish him by not allowing him to be the genetic father to a second child? that is ... twisted. on many levels. if you are this angry and unable to forgive, you should not be having another kid. and no kid should be created as a revenge plot, ffs!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have no way of knowing that your are infertile because your husband dragged his feet. You might have had issues if you started earlier too. You shouldn’t deny him having biological children because you can’t. (If you want donor embryos for other reasons that is a different story)

So, now considering adoption is “denying” him children? This is very misogynistic. I love how everyone insists it’s not his fault for making her wait until she could no longer have biological children. Now, simply considering adopt is “denying” him something. Pick a side, at least be consistent.

Um, yes. Not misogyny to say she is getting pregnant with a donor embryo out of spite. If she can’t pass her genes on, neither should her husband, I guess.

If I found out I was infertile I’d still want my SO to pass on genes out of love. (If that was important to them and I were happy being pregnant anyway)

There are some good reasons to go the embryo route instead of eggs. “My husband is a scum bag” is not one of them. (Divorce him if you feel that way!)

Anonymous wrote:[b]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, OP, the gestational mother’s DNA does indirectly contribute to any embryo implanted within her, as it’s her genes that determine whether or not certain genes in the fetus get “switched on” or not. MicroRNA is what you’d want to google if interested[b]

In short, you’ll have a biological connection to the baby regardless. I’m not sure it would even be “fair,” then, to try to ensure your husband doesn’t have one.

Sorry but this isn’t a big deal. Epigenetics gets blown way out of proportion in the infertility world in order to make women feel they have more impact on the baby than they actually do.

Agree. And I think men tend to use that argument with women to have them use donor eggs. The fact of the matter is that it is my fertility that was ruined - not his - by his actions - delaying years.

[b]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, OP, the gestational mother’s DNA does indirectly contribute to any embryo implanted within her, as it’s her genes that determine whether or not certain genes in the fetus get “switched on” or not. MicroRNA is what you’d want to google if interested[b]

In short, you’ll have a biological connection to the baby regardless. I’m not sure it would even be “fair,” then, to try to ensure your husband doesn’t have one.

Sorry but this isn’t a big deal. Epigenetics gets blown way out of proportion in the infertility world in order to make women feel they have more impact on the baby than they actually do.

If it makes you feel better, OP, the gestational mother’s DNA does indirectly contribute to any embryo implanted within her, as it’s her genes that determine whether or not certain genes in the fetus get “switched on” or not. MicroRNA is what you’d want to google if interested.

In short, you’ll have a biological connection to the baby regardless. I’m not sure it would even be “fair,” then, to try to ensure your husband doesn’t have one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have no way of knowing that your are infertile because your husband dragged his feet. You might have had issues if you started earlier too. You shouldn’t deny him having biological children because you can’t. (If you want donor embryos for other reasons that is a different story)

So, now considering adoption is “denying” him children? This is very misogynistic. I love how everyone insists it’s not his fault for making her wait until she could no longer have biological children. Now, simply considering adopt is “denying” him something. Pick a side, at least be consistent.

I was in the same situation, so I do understand. BUT THERE IS A CHILD INVOLVED. Imagine explaining to the child that you were pissed at your husband for making you wait, so you forced him to agree to use an donor embryo so you'd be "even" so now your child will wonder about BOTH their bio mother and bio father. Doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship once your kid understands things. Yes, OP should be pissed, but it's no excuse for using the child as the chip to get even. Adoption is great, and certainly a possible answer to OP's situation. It would be wonderful to give a living child a loving family AND have OP feel good about the relative relationships that she and her husband have with the child. But don't pretend that embryo adoption is the same as adopting a living child (unless you truly believe that the embryo is no different than a newborn - and I think very few people around here do - you'd have to be hard core anti-abortion even in cases of rape and incest).

What? Yes, I believe that embryo adoption is the same as adopting a living child. Flame me if you want, but I believe that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have no way of knowing that your are infertile because your husband dragged his feet. You might have had issues if you started earlier too. You shouldn’t deny him having biological children because you can’t. (If you want donor embryos for other reasons that is a different story)

So, now considering adoption is “denying” him children? This is very misogynistic. I love how everyone insists it’s not his fault for making her wait until she could no longer have biological children. Now, simply considering adopt is “denying” him something. Pick a side, at least be consistent.

I was in the same situation, so I do understand. BUT THERE IS A CHILD INVOLVED. Imagine explaining to the child that you were pissed at your husband for making you wait, so you forced him to agree to use an donor embryo so you'd be "even" so now your child will wonder about BOTH their bio mother and bio father. Doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship once your kid understands things. Yes, OP should be pissed, but it's no excuse for using the child as the chip to get even. Adoption is great, and certainly a possible answer to OP's situation. It would be wonderful to give a living child a loving family AND have OP feel good about the relative relationships that she and her husband have with the child. But don't pretend that embryo adoption is the same as adopting a living child (unless you truly believe that the embryo is no different than a newborn - and I think very few people around here do - you'd have to be hard core anti-abortion even in cases of rape and incest).

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have no way of knowing that your are infertile because your husband dragged his feet. You might have had issues if you started earlier too. You shouldn’t deny him having biological children because you can’t. (If you want donor embryos for other reasons that is a different story)

My infertility is all age related, so, yes, I do know.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have no way of knowing that your are infertile because your husband dragged his feet. You might have had issues if you started earlier too. You shouldn’t deny him having biological children because you can’t. (If you want donor embryos for other reasons that is a different story)

So, now considering adoption is “denying” him children? This is very misogynistic. I love how everyone insists it’s not his fault for making her wait until she could no longer have biological children. Now, simply considering adopt is “denying” him something. Pick a side, at least be consistent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe some counseling? This is a big decision. You have no idea who the parents are in donor embryo. At least you know your baby will be half your DH. If you are not comfortable with that maybe you should stay with one and done.

+1

Why in the world wouldn't you want your DH to be the father of your child?

If you go down this route, then the whole argument for adoption falls apart doesn’t it?

OP wants to adopt but control the pregnancy environment. Okay, makes sense. If the fathers genetic material is so important, why isn’t the mother’s?

Anonymous wrote:Maybe some counseling? This is a big decision. You have no idea who the parents are in donor embryo. At least you know your baby will be half your DH. If you are not comfortable with that maybe you should stay with one and done.

+1

Why in the world wouldn't you want your DH to be the father of your child?

OP, you have no way of knowing that your are infertile because your husband dragged his feet. You might have had issues if you started earlier too. You shouldn’t deny him having biological children because you can’t. (If you want donor embryos for other reasons that is a different story)

Good thing counseling is required for either scenario because you are clearly very angry about the circumstances. Not so sure you shouldn't pause and rethink this whole thing anyway given how you are entering into this decision.

Any reputable donor program will require you and your husband to go through some level of counseling (whether donor egg or sperm or embryo).

The counselor has the ability to suggest that you individually or as a couple may not be ready to undertake fertility treatments if he/she uncovers the kinds of anger/blame you're articulating here OP.

Infertility is hard enough when you're fully on the same page. If you're going into it with anger and resentment fueling your decision making it really doesn't bode well for you.