Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 23:42     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter if she says it or not. The kids know. I always knew I was my aunt’s favorite. My siblings also knew. We also knew my other cousins were our grandfather’s favorites. I don’t remember caring about any of that but remember thinking it was sunny how mad it would make my parents. My parents definitely favor my son over all of the grandchildren. He can’t do any wrong in their eyes. It doesn’t matter if they say it or not. We tease them about since they are so ridiculous. Try that approach and at least make light of the situation. You can’t change people.


I am so glad I didn’t grow up in your family! I am glad you think it’s all good. Plenty of the non-favored kids would disagree.


We were not the favorite grandchildren. I’m not saying it’s ideal but good luck changing anyone, especially stubborn elderly relatives. All I’m saying is we didn’t care and thought all of the adults were being silly. If anything the “favorite” grandchild rebelled later. We all became normal functioning adults and it’s insane my parents are repeating the same cycle. My point is that we can call them out on it but it isn’t doing any good. Stubborn old people are difficult to change.


This, my mom plays favorites. I have just told mine my mom always played favorites and I was never a favorite and she treats you the same way. We heavily limit contact as she's not willing to hear anything we have to say. She will keep other kids for a week at a time and mine gets two hours once a month or every other month. She brags to them about it.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 23:30     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
Anonymous wrote:Yes I go crazy the week leading up to my period. I’m 45 now and have been that way since my teens. My family and close friends all know about this and are wary of me during that time! I’m back to normal after the first few days of my period.


Fascinating story.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 21:15     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
OP, how many grandmothers do your kids have? If both, then you could say, "Well, that works out great because DD loves my mother best, so now I don't have to worry about it hurting your feelings!"
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 21:13     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter if she says it or not. The kids know. I always knew I was my aunt’s favorite. My siblings also knew. We also knew my other cousins were our grandfather’s favorites. I don’t remember caring about any of that but remember thinking it was sunny how mad it would make my parents. My parents definitely favor my son over all of the grandchildren. He can’t do any wrong in their eyes. It doesn’t matter if they say it or not. We tease them about since they are so ridiculous. Try that approach and at least make light of the situation. You can’t change people.


I am so glad I didn’t grow up in your family! I am glad you think it’s all good. Plenty of the non-favored kids would disagree.


We were not the favorite grandchildren. I’m not saying it’s ideal but good luck changing anyone, especially stubborn elderly relatives. All I’m saying is we didn’t care and thought all of the adults were being silly. If anything the “favorite” grandchild rebelled later. We all became normal functioning adults and it’s insane my parents are repeating the same cycle. My point is that we can call them out on it but it isn’t doing any good. Stubborn old people are difficult to change.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 20:22     Subject: Re:MIL clearly likes one child over another
I’m sorry! That is so hurtful to hear as a mom!
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 19:59     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
Anonymous wrote:
This would result in no access to preferred child.



We have this issue and I agree, we say no to requests to see only the preferred child. We tell them if they want 1:1 time they must rotate. But they always “forget.”
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 15:37     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Our rule for extended family:
It’s okay to HAVE favorites. It’s not okay to PLAY favorites.

So it’s fine if she says only among adults that she has bonded with one child over the other, provided that she gives equal amounts of time, attention and presents to all the kids in the family. If she can’t bring herself to do that then she doesn’t actually care about any of the kids, because inequality is toxis for the favored and non-favored alike.


This is a very good policy.


It’s also not okay to set up a black sheep by calling a child a brat in front of others. Not cool.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 15:20     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
Yes I go crazy the week leading up to my period. I’m 45 now and have been that way since my teens. My family and close friends all know about this and are wary of me during that time! I’m back to normal after the first few days of my period.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 15:18     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
Anonymous wrote:Our rule for extended family:
It’s okay to HAVE favorites. It’s not okay to PLAY favorites.

So it’s fine if she says only among adults that she has bonded with one child over the other, provided that she gives equal amounts of time, attention and presents to all the kids in the family. If she can’t bring herself to do that then she doesn’t actually care about any of the kids, because inequality is toxis for the favored and non-favored alike.


This is a very good policy.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 15:16     Subject: Re:MIL clearly likes one child over another
Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to have favorites. Its ok.

As long as she is not saying it in front of them or giving one more things than the other child.


Did you even bother to read OP’s post? MIL has done the two things you say are not OK so your reply is irrelevant and not helpful at all.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 15:04     Subject: Re:MIL clearly likes one child over another
You could ask her not to do that again and drive your point home by telling her that your children's "favorite grandmother" is your mom and see how she likes it.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 15:02     Subject: MIL clearly likes one child over another
Our rule for extended family:
It’s okay to HAVE favorites. It’s not okay to PLAY favorites.

So it’s fine if she says only among adults that she has bonded with one child over the other, provided that she gives equal amounts of time, attention and presents to all the kids in the family. If she can’t bring herself to do that then she doesn’t actually care about any of the kids, because inequality is toxis for the favored and non-favored alike.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 15:02     Subject: Re:MIL clearly likes one child over another
Your kids, your rules--tell MIL that if she says (or writes, etc.) something like that again to ANYONE in the family you will no longer allow her to interact w/ her grandchildren.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 14:46     Subject: Re:MIL clearly likes one child over another
Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to have favorites. Its ok.

As long as she is not saying it in front of them or giving one more things than the other child.


It shouldn’t be expressed to any family. Maybe strangers at dinner on a vacation cruise, but no one in any proximity to the relevant children.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2019 14:31     Subject: Re:MIL clearly likes one child over another
People are allowed to have favorites. Its ok.

As long as she is not saying it in front of them or giving one more things than the other child.