Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

If you mom gets a “no” to a visit request 9/10 times, but sees the baby every two weeks, then she is asking almost everyday! I would hide too.

Every two weeks is not that infrequent.

The poor woman. She's probably an Eastern European wife trying to establish some semblance of boundaries.

Why do you keep calling your niece “her baby”? I have a feeling your family snubbed her when she first came into the scene, maybe you said nothing directly but people can pick up rather quickly when they are put down or ridiculed. For your brother’s sake your family needs to give them space to work things out. She does not trust you all.

Good grief OP. You and your brother and talking negatively about SIL and the marriage and you are astonished that is defensive when the two of you talk??? And (rightly) accuses the two of you of talking about her??

Your brother needs to mind his marriage, and put up some boundaries with you.
Wife needs to focus on her family and ignore the extended family including yours
You need to back off and let your brother handle his marriage and his life. He is an adult.

Both you and your brother need to grow up- big time- that is the only thing I am sure of after reading all of this.

SIL sounds difficult but her reactions given the situation at hand are no surprise.

Is it cultural on her part? Sorry, it sucks. I’ve seen these sort of thing play out and there’s not much you can do.

Can you plan an outing with just her, to maybe connect or establish some kind of common ground? Anything: nails, botanical gardens, craft shopping, food activity, clothes/shoes shopping, brunch? What does she like to do?

There are many emotionally abusive and controlling wives. You will find that many people are fine with men being victimized buy their wives. They don't see that as an issue.

This board is very anti-men so you will mostly get posts attacking your brother or you for supporting your brother.

Anonymous wrote:
1. He has his own nuclear family now, and it's not you or your mother.

2. Why on earth would she accept you on your own terms, OP? She has a right to conduct herself as she sees fit, and your brother goes along with it, so he's accountable too. It's not just her.

3. I have sympathy for you and I understand your plight, OP, but this is often what happens when people get married. They upset some relatives! However, the spouse always comes first, whether they're crazy or not.

PP again, I read your update and I agree she sounds mentally ill and needs psychiatric help. However, all you can do is list all the history of borderline acts to your brother, as a reminder, because abused spouses often rationalize and forget stuff; and suggest he push her to visit a doctor (he needs to come along to describe family impact and symptoms, because psychiatric patients are rarely able to be objective about it). He can create an ultimatum and say it's either that or divorce. However, he needs to be very careful about his child, because if she's as controlling as that, she might hurt her (especially if they divorce and she has at least partial custody, which she will, because she's the mother and a doctor).

I'm sorry, OP. The situation sounds awful.

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is the control freak telling you not to contact her directly. A baby in the hospital and of course parents are stressed, but your own brother didn’t update you? He doesn’t sound that nice a guy.

He did, we talked and texted a lot. He is really worried about her, worried about not upsetting her, not making her go crazy, etc... that time he made a mistake, of course, but did it thinking that she was too stressed out to talk to people. I understood later that she said she did not want people to call or go visit her, but she did not mean no texting either... anyway the situation is ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.
My brother did not make the best choice, but he was super in love with her for a long time...
I live far away and see them at most 2 times a year (Christmas and summer). I know my brother has lost many friends since he started dating her, but he does tend to isolate himself and I just thought it was that he is just busy and has no time for anyone...

1. He has his own nuclear family now, and it's not you or your mother.

2. Why on earth would she accept you on your own terms, OP? She has a right to conduct herself as she sees fit, and your brother goes along with it, so he's accountable too. It's not just her.

3. I have sympathy for you and I understand your plight, OP, but this is often what happens when people get married. They upset some relatives! However, the spouse always comes first, whether they're crazy or not.

Your brother is the control freak telling you not to contact her directly. A baby in the hospital and of course parents are stressed, but your own brother didn’t update you? He doesn’t sound that nice a guy.

Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

OP here. Guys, my brother is MISERABLE. I am sorry my post was not clear. He tells me he is trying to not get divorced because of his child. My parents are miserable because they see my brother this way. I am NOT imagining anything that is not there. My mother and I cannot call him, he has to call us or she will get upset. He calls us when he is out away from her. Once she caught him talking to me and took the phone from his hands saying that we needed to stop talking about her (we were talking about our kids)... trust me... she is not all normal. I am NOT judgemental and did not think anything bad about her. I gave a very sweet speech at their wedding about her, I try to always make her feel welcome, I really am nice!

The only time she got upset at me directly (otherwise things are always about our whole family) Was when I did not ask her directly how she was doing when her Daughter went to the hospital. This was a crazy situation too... my brother had expressively asked me to not contact her because she was very stressed out about her daughter being sick so I did what my brother told me (he wrote it to me so I have the proof). I asked a million times as I was really worried about the baby and their whole family. It turns out she would have liked me to contact her instead. She told me some mean things and when I told her that I did not contact her because my brother asked me not to bother her, she told me I was lying... I showed her the text my brother had sent and she still thought I should have contacted her... whatever I do with her I do it wrong...