Op here - thanks all. I’ve been faithful and if anything “too generous” as a wife my friends tell me I spoil my husband. I don’t know what I’m not telling : my DH acts sporadically, hot and cold, gets angry about what seems like nothing, I am on eggshells a lot of the time; I’m pretty sure he may have wandered at some point but no proof. It’s just not the best place to be but for reasons of stability I’m in this now - I loved him despite all the bad behavior but the silent treatment is back firing / instead of making me want him to talk I’m just kind of feeling like “go away!”

What are you not telling?

My guess is that in his mind OP is the bad guy for “not caring” about his feelings or something. It’s a pretty crappy cycle because his behavior is the obvious problem or everyone but him. So he has no incentive to work on it. So basically get to therapy ASAP or move on because this sounds like an awful way to live.

I have read that the best sign of a marriage’s fate is how people fight. Your pattern is beyond dysfunctional. If ANY part of you wants to see if your relationship is salvageable, start marriage counseling ASAP. If he won’t, go to therapy alone to see why you tolerate this.

And please consider what your children are learning from this

he is abusing you.

Anonymous wrote:I"m sorry OP. At first I thought affair, but it's been going on so long it's probably not that, just an over all unhappiness (which if another woman comes available, will turn into an affair ASAP). Counseling stat! And I pray your marriage is saved.

No. Time to divorce. Even if you have kids. This pattern stops now.

Just get divorced.

I"m sorry OP. At first I thought affair, but it's been going on so long it's probably not that, just an over all unhappiness (which if another woman comes available, will turn into an affair ASAP). Counseling stat! And I pray your marriage is saved.

I'm married to the same kind of guy, but not for much longer. The whole marriage has been like this. He can put on an act that he's normal to strangers and with our kids. He treats me like I don't exist when all I've ever done is have his kids and take care of them. He's a misogynist and he's not going to change. Just divorce him already. Quit trying to seek his attention. He doesn't want to give you even the time of day. If a complete stranger making small talk with you is more intimacy than you're getting from your DH, it's time to cut your losses and move on with your life. It's a horrible way to live and damaging to your self esteem. The one person in your life who is supposed to be your biggest supporter and care for you treats you worse than anyone in the world. Really he probably hates himself and is projecting it onto you.

It means he has never learned to effectively communicate how he feels so he is using this immature passive-aggressive approach with you. He sounds really mean OP. No man is better than this one.

People who were raised by people like this (silent treatment, manipulative) think it is normal. I don't think the silent treatment alone or a nasty comment means he necessarily hates her. It does mean he's emotionally abusive and she shouldn't put up with it. Don't let your kids, if you have them, absorb this as normal behavior!!

A critical piece for me OP is whether your DH sees anything wrong with what he's doing. What does he say when you talk to him about this? Does he want to change? Is he loving and caring other times?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do know that this is a form of blatant manipulation, right? I would sit him down and say "dear husband if you want to let me know about what is bothering you, I'll be perfectly willing to communicate, talk, fight, negotiate with you. But if you keep giving me the silent treatment, I'm out." This is not something that will fix itself unless you insist on getting treated better by him.

Omg, this has been going on for YEARS, ever since they first got married!

He's hoping that she'll say she's out... he was done with her a long, long time ago!

No, he is not. He is manipulating her into begging and pleading with him. He loves the attention. I know, because I have lived with a person like this my whole life. I finally decided years ago that i will not put up with it. Things are not perfect, but a lot better.

He a psychological abuser OP!

Don't give him a reaction when he ignores you, that's what he wants. Work on your self esteem and NEVER beg someone to stay with you! When he threatens you next, or belittles you tell him in a firm voice if he refuses to communicate like an adult you will be seeing a lawyer. And do it. If he wants to work on the marriage I would suggest a therapist.

omg from the subject line i thought you were going to say you had a fight a few weeks ago and there's been a lot of silent treatment since then; or he's been depressed this holiday season and not engaging with you.

THREE YEARS?

There is no discussion here. He hates you, you should hate him. Your marriage is over. Please move on.

Anonymous wrote:You do know that this is a form of blatant manipulation, right? I would sit him down and say "dear husband if you want to let me know about what is bothering you, I'll be perfectly willing to communicate, talk, fight, negotiate with you. But if you keep giving me the silent treatment, I'm out." This is not something that will fix itself unless you insist on getting treated better by him.

Omg, this has been going on for YEARS, ever since they first got married!

He's hoping that she'll say she's out... he was done with her a long, long time ago!