Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

I agree with you PP. It is like there was never nothing good between people and like nothing that has been
given matters. There is no caring or care about the well being of the other person that I see
in so many couples that split. Just hate and revenge. It is strange because in many cases
people are far from poor and they share lots of happy years and a great family and kids
and then at one point is like.. fire and flood. Nothing matters. It is so wrong and
so bad for all those involved, the both and their kids. It does not have to be that way
yet it is in most cases. It also seems to escalate. The lack of elementary
empathy is stunning.

do all that youre doing. look for lawyer experienced in high conflict divorce (but hope yours won't be).

agree that you do not start out giving up less than half.

eventually, you may desire to agree to a 50% custody on paper for calculation of child support but in reality take more time with the kids if he's going to fight custody only in order to pay less in support .

if you have any concerns about his anger turning physically violent, pls consult battered women's services in order to figure out how to remain safe.

As others have said, you need a lawyer experienced with issues like this. And as others have said— it’s not “his” money. It’s as much yours as his. Be strong, OP. A much better life is calling you and your kids.

OP a lawyer can give you advice on the best exit plan to work in your favor in both divorce and custody.

The Family Justice Center in Montgomery County can give you the best advice on an exit plan that is SAFE for you and your kids. If you don’t live in MoCo, find a domestic violence organization and they likely can provide similar information.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

Are you perfect?

The OP asked for help. So help or don't post obnoxious crap. You have no idea what others are going through. Empathy much?

Neither I nor spouse are perfect but we do respect and love each other, including our children. Married close to 30 years now. Sometimes the best advice you can offer is brutal honesty that forces one for an internal examination.

Unless you have been there, please shut up.

My father was an explosive jerk and when my parents divorced it was the best thing that happened for my siblings and I.

Unless you have lived with an abusive spouse or parent, then you will not understand.

Now shoo.

"we do respect and love each other" -- PP who wrote this, you do realize that respect and love don't exist in an physically, verbally or emotionally abusive marriage? Your advice based on your own experience (and your own sense of self-superiority) are irrelevant here.

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

Stop victim blaming. This isn't a question of "falling out of love". It is a question of escaping emotional abuse. That's not selfish. Kids raised in an emotionally abusive environment definitely pay for it throughout their lives. I know, I was one. My parents are still together and my mother still verbally and emotionally abuses my father. In some ways I was served well by their remaining in a marriage -- I have one house to return to and no college debt (they paid in full). BUT, I have paid in other ways that crippled my life -- my two major long term relationships were both with abusive men (one physical, one emotional) because I grew up thinking that was normal. I have a difficult time engaging with people in relationships because I maintain my distance to maintain my safety. And, when I had my own kids, I had to work very hard not to pass on the emotionally damaging verbally abusive parenting style I learned from my Mom.

As you may know, it is possible to fall in love with someone who later becomes abusive. That is exactly how abuse works. No one hits their lover on the first date. There is always a long period of good behavior as the abuser controls him/herself and reels the catch in, bonding them emotionally in the relationship. Then usually a period of increasing control happens before outright physical or severe emotional abuse happens. By that time the victim is usually entrapped in the relationship, having invested time, perhaps had kids, become financially entangled or owning property together. That's what my abusers did to me.

I left my emotionally abusive, forever gaslighting, occasionally explosive DH with whom I had two kids when the kids were both under age 5. It was more important to me that they live half their lives in a healthy environment than that they live 100% of the time walking on eggshells. Fortunately, their DH wasn't interested in full custody, and, although they still see him, they have grown up in a much healthier way than he or I.

OP, stay strong. You are doing the right thing. See a divorce attorney and at least get a consult and pull a plan together about how to leave. The lawyer can advise you about what monies you can take -- perhaps half of all joint savings accounts? And what you must do in terms of gathering documentation for the divorce. The lawyer will also tell you what to do about documenting your custody situation and whether/how to take the kids with you and if you have enough to file for a restraining order if there is violence or verbal abuse involved.

One more thing -- don't feel like you have to be honest with him at this point. I think that many people in abusive relationships are honest about their feelings or plans, which is normal. But you are in an abnormal situation and your safety and success depends on you hiding your future plans from your husband. If he is abusive, then you owe him nothing, not even honesty. Try not to make lies of commission - actively saying something untrue - but do so where necessary to protect yourself. Lies of omission are OK -- he doesn't have a right to know your plans if he is abusive. Develop a lot of neutral non-committal phrases to respond to him so that you are not lying but you are not exposing your plans either. Make sure you are doing things that you can be tracked about - don't be online at home where you can be tracked through computer history, make sure you have a strong password on your phone, have separate email accounts if you are going to converse with a lawyer by email, make sure your location is off on your phone and you can't be tracked, especially when you are consulting your attorney.

Anonymous wrote:Call the battered woman shelter. They should also have
some suggestions for you.

Can you shove some one time bills (maybe heating) and
pay them out of the big account so you have move
discretionary money in the little account? (Even if he
reacts strongly)

50% of all assets and debts are yours. Start buying the
25.00 visa gift cards so you have some extra cash on hand.

You have assets so you definitely need 1 legal consult
to find out best way to withdraw from the big account.
Lawyer may tell you to move out and withdraw half
of the big account same day but I'd have a lawyer tell
you that.

So you pay all of the day to day bills and husband
banks his paycheck in joint account which he thinks
is his. Yea right. IT IS HALF YOURS AND DON'T TAKE LESS
THAN HALF.

Be aware the moving out part can be very volatile.
Husband sounds like a control freak. Likely husband
will be unpredictable with divorce. Due to husbands
volatility he may go for 50% custody. Also due to husbands
volatility what he thinks about the house is
unpredictable.

Any personal items that have sentimental meaning to
you start removing from the house and store them
at your parents, a friends, or get a rental unit in your
name. It is doubtful he will miss the small stuff
being moved out.

Find out if the lawyers offer a free one time consult?
Your divorce will probably cost a lot in legal fees (due
to volatility) so make sure you ask each lawyer you interview what their legal fees are.

Anything breaks down in the meantime....frig,
washer and dryer, heater etc you spend money
out of the big account so you can keep pulling
money out of the small account.

How is your credit? Do you have joint credit cards?
Do you have any old credit cards in your name
from pre marriage that are still active? Find out
how much credit is on credit cards in your name only.

I have excellent credit and it's not problem to spend money on a consult. I'm not as poor as I may have led on. All the household charges, big bills get paid by credit card and he pays that bill each month. He's just super self centered.

Dont assume he wont want fifty fifty, He will pay less child support that way

I am sorry for this situation. You are strong and brave to start on this path. For yourself and he children. Good luck!

No WAY should you ask for less money in exchange for more time with the kids. That is the opposite of how it should work. You deserve half of the marital assets and you might be eligible for child support as well. Get a lawyer and fight for all you can. If he is a jerk with a bad temper, he's going to be like that regardless of what you ask for so get what you deserve. Get a lawyer, called a domestic abuse expert, and come up with a plan. Have your ducks in a row and document as much info as possible before you let him know you are thinking of divorce.

OP I want to reiterate the advice from others that you need to start by asking for way more. With this personality type he will need to feel like he beat you down and “won,” so if you start by asking for less money and primary custody he will fight for 50/50 custody and the bare minimum on money. You need to start by asking for full physical custody and half of everything plus generous child support so that he can “beat you” into agreeing to only primary custody and less money and moderate child support. It is about him needing to feel that he tricked you into giving up something you wanted. If you let on that you are fine taking less then he will keep fighting. He wants to humiliate and punish you, so play along long enough for him to agree to something reasonable under the guise that you REALLY wanted way more and you are heartbroken to have to agree to less.

Wonder if Op should call 911 to have a record of the screaming. Remember, he gets visitation

Anonymous wrote:Get a lawyer consult and figure out what is needed for divorce. It'll set you back several hundred bucks, but it'll give you the solid info you need. Then proceed exactly as you have been - stealthily. Photocopy everything.

I do think you should rent an apartment so you have someplace to go, and get it all furnished, etc. Then you can leave him with a solid plan in place. Appear accommodating in whatever note you leave/send him - I am leaving you and filing for divorce. The kids are with me, I propose a temporary custody arrangement of XX.

I would take half the money from the joint account, too, and put it in an account just in your name. So that's your cushion, or possibly a bargaining chip.

Decide what matters most to you and work toward that final solution. Draw up a custody plan, an separation agreement, etc (on the advice of a lawyer) and leave those for him.

Remember - you said he is explosive - the most dangerous time for a woman is in leaving the spouse. So go about this in a way that protects you, line up all your ducks, then hit him with it all at once. Be vigilant about safety for the first few weeks.

Above is a smart and safe plan. If he is volatile I'd tell him by note you leave him or by text. I would not tell him in person. Women get killed that way.

While you can take the kids - so can he. Until you have a custody arrangement in place, he can go pick the kids up at school or take them as well.

Call the battered woman shelter. They should also have
some suggestions for you.

Can you shove some one time bills (maybe heating) and
pay them out of the big account so you have move
discretionary money in the little account? (Even if he
reacts strongly)

50% of all assets and debts are yours. Start buying the
25.00 visa gift cards so you have some extra cash on hand.

You have assets so you definitely need 1 legal consult
to find out best way to withdraw from the big account.
Lawyer may tell you to move out and withdraw half
of the big account same day but I'd have a lawyer tell
you that.

So you pay all of the day to day bills and husband
banks his paycheck in joint account which he thinks
is his. Yea right. IT IS HALF YOURS AND DON'T TAKE LESS
THAN HALF.

Be aware the moving out part can be very volatile.
Husband sounds like a control freak. Likely husband
will be unpredictable with divorce. Due to husbands
volatility he may go for 50% custody. Also due to husbands
volatility what he thinks about the house is
unpredictable.

Any personal items that have sentimental meaning to
you start removing from the house and store them
at your parents, a friends, or get a rental unit in your
name. It is doubtful he will miss the small stuff
being moved out.

Find out if the lawyers offer a free one time consult?
Your divorce will probably cost a lot in legal fees (due
to volatility) so make sure you ask each lawyer you interview what their legal fees are.

Anything breaks down in the meantime....frig,
washer and dryer, heater etc you spend money
out of the big account so you can keep pulling
money out of the small account.

How is your credit? Do you have joint credit cards?
Do you have any old credit cards in your name
from pre marriage that are still active? Find out
how much credit is on credit cards in your name only.