It’s crazy how people on here don’t think adults should celebrate birthday!

OP, let him go or her passing this year, choose another day for your celebration. And then, he has to move on. He can still grieve but your birthday should not forever be clouded by this.

Anonymous wrote:Men can be really self centered. If the genders were reversed people would be giving the woman a hard time about being so selfish and obsessed with her dads death.

This year, celebrate earlier in the month. On your actual birthday, at least go out to lunch with a friend or do something nice for yourself. Next year, I think it’s fine to celebrate on your birthday - hopefully, it’s on a weekday so you end up celebrating on the weekend anyways.

You are wrong. They would be getting the exact same advice.

OP, I’m sensing that setting aside your birthday as a special day for you and DH to celebrate is significant because perhaps he’s not the most demonstrative in your daily life? Because I imagine that if you had a satisfying relationship with him in the day-to-day, perhaps it wouldn’t feel like such a loss not to be able to observe your bday.

This is just the one-year anniversary...eventually you will be able to both mark his mother’s passing and celebrate your bday. My FIL passed on my SIL’s bday and years later she certainly celebrates her bday. At the one year mark it’s still too raw. If you really feel the need to do something special for your bday this year then I would gently ask DH if you can make a reservation a week later for a restaurant/movie.

But if reflect on why this is so important to you (i.e. the loss of your own mom, or possible sadness in the state of your own relationship, etc.) and do some self-care related to that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anniversary of his mother’s death trumps your birthday, OP.

What would you think of your son’s wife wanting to whoop it up on the anniversary of your death?

Only the first anniversary. Life is for the living. In the future he’ll need to focus on his wife and celebrate her life. I honestly can’t imagine his mother wanting it any other way. How selfish do you have to be to think that in death you trump the living?

Ok but this is the first anniversary. Why are you saying things like how selfish would his mom have to be? We have no idea how her husband will act on the 2nd anniversary

Anonymous wrote:The anniversary of his mother’s death trumps your birthday, OP.

What would you think of your son’s wife wanting to whoop it up on the anniversary of your death?

Only the first anniversary. Life is for the living. In the future he’ll need to focus on his wife and celebrate her life. I honestly can’t imagine his mother wanting it any other way. How selfish do you have to be to think that in death you trump the living?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I feel like men get a pass for everything.

Not from death and grief.

Seriously. If a woman was here talking about how she couldn’t celebrate her husband’s birthday because her dad had passed away a year earlier, people would be telling her to grow up. Then there would be some mention of how he’s going to divorce her.

If a man was here posting that his wife's dad passed away on his birthday and that she didn't want to celebrate on that particular day, the OP would be getting called a lot worse names than the current OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I feel like men get a pass for everything.

Not from death and grief.

Seriously. If a woman was here talking about how she couldn’t celebrate her husband’s birthday because her dad had passed away a year earlier, people would be telling her to grow up. Then there would be some mention of how he’s going to divorce her.

I don't think so. 5 years on? maybe. But the first year anniversary where the birthday falls on the day she died? I think its normal for anyone to want to spend that day visiting the cemetery, getting together with family, and not celebrating a birthday.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I feel like men get a pass for everything.

Not from death and grief.

Seriously. If a woman was here talking about how she couldn’t celebrate her husband’s birthday because her dad had passed away a year earlier, people would be telling her to grow up. Then there would be some mention of how he’s going to divorce her.

OP your birthday doesn't change because he lost his mom. You guys can go on a weekend trip or go have a nice dinner. You both can make a toast to her or visit the cemetery. You can still honor her without foregoing your birthday. Talk to him about doing both. If he really doesn't want to then celebrate with family or a friend.

Anonymous wrote:I'd pick a week after my birthday to celebrate this year. I was a mess on the anniversary of my Mom passing.

I second that. The first anniversary is traumatic. Do not collide with it, nothing wins.

Anonymous wrote:
I feel like men get a pass for everything.

Not from death and grief.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this and so sorry for your losses and your husband's loss. I don't have any advice to offer, just sympathy. It will be a difficult time for both of you.

OP, I want to take your post as saying your birthday observance is important BECAUSE it helps you regarding the loss of your own mother, so for that reason I'm giving you a pass on what at first glance looks stunningly self-absorbed.

Which means if that is the underlying reason for your wanting some kind of birthday observance you should be able to have a conversation with your husband about this, while also recognizing that first milestones after a death are especially hard, and you're three years into a process that your husband is less than a year into. I imagine as well that holidays (which I hope you are realizing probably mean he is impacted by THESE milestones after his mother's death) are partly why he's thinking of something special to honor his mother. I think you need to work this out with him--again, remembering that his loss is much more recent--rather than coming here to engage in what really ends up coming off as whining.

The first year he needs to grieve OP. Do something special for your birthday the next week.

Men can be really self centered. If the genders were reversed people would be giving the woman a hard time about being so selfish and obsessed with her dads death.

This year, celebrate earlier in the month. On your actual birthday, at least go out to lunch with a friend or do something nice for yourself. Next year, I think it’s fine to celebrate on your birthday - hopefully, it’s on a weekday so you end up celebrating on the weekend anyways.

I'm sorry that your special day has been complicated by two close family members' deaths. That's tough. I agree with the suggestion to move your birthday celebration to another day. Pick a day that's meaningful and significant. My recommendation is to choose a day that's at least a few months before or after your actual birth date.

My condolences on your losses.