Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plus OP said she knows her family is poor. This thread right here shows why there is a divide in the U.S. Oblivious limousine liberals can't even fathom that a child is hungry and would rather turn their eyes away from it and blame the child!

???? Your Bias is unwarranted.

Perhaps it was unwarranted. In my defense, I spoke with so many high earning educated liberals that had no empathy for anyone or anything. They are liberals on paper, but that's it. No understanding that people face hardships and how prevalent it is, here and anywhere. I have seen poverty that few people in the U.S. can imagine, when I tried to tell them, they did not care at all. I do believe that those that are well off in the U.S. are so isolated from any poverty that even if they see it right in front of them, they will come up with something like "well, he/she can get a job and this is her/his fault." And sadly, I see it more in my liberal wealthy friends. Btw, I am a liberal too, but with a very different background and not rich. Once you have lived where I lived, you develop intolerance for people that call other people "them," or "those people."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And then we have the lovely threads where people look back on their friends' parents ... If it weren't for mrs smith, giving me a place to go and food after school and driving me, Who knows? It pays for itself a thousandfold.

Very grateful for the gently used school uniforms. We did not have laundry facilities or money for the laundromat. Clothes were washed in the bathtub and hung over the shower rod. Having more than one set felt downright luxurious!

I was also one of those kids. I'm in a really good place now and my kids know my story. They also know how much shame I felt for my circumstances and how hard I worked to keep it secret from everyone. The parents of several of my friends and some of my teachers knew about it but they never, ever did anything to make me think they did. That's the only thing that gives me pause about the girl's story. I would have died before admitting I hadn't eaten. I would have finagled a meal somehow but I would never tell anyone why I hadn't eaten. I also wouldn't have specified anything (like a pepperoni pizza) because that's too telling. I would have made sure it was the other person's perferred food. I'm not saying you shouldn't feed her or send her home with leftovers but I wouldn't accept her story at face value. My upbringing has also given me heightened awareness when someone isn't what they seem to be.

I think your situation is different from the dd's because you were hungry a lot of the time, and her situation sounds like it is temporary and she isn't used to food insecurity. Kids today also are growing up in a slightly different culture than we did. I did not grow up poor or food insecure, but I never would have asked for the kind of pizza I liked as a kid. I think it is the way we grew up, OP. I wanted to not be noticed and was incredibly insecure, but I was not hungry. When my kids have friends over, their friends are very clear about telling me what kind of pizza they like. I would never have done that as a kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And then we have the lovely threads where people look back on their friends' parents ... If it weren't for mrs smith, giving me a place to go and food after school and driving me, Who knows? It pays for itself a thousandfold.

Very grateful for the gently used school uniforms. We did not have laundry facilities or money for the laundromat. Clothes were washed in the bathtub and hung over the shower rod. Having more than one set felt downright luxurious!

I was also one of those kids. I'm in a really good place now and my kids know my story. They also know how much shame I felt for my circumstances and how hard I worked to keep it secret from everyone. The parents of several of my friends and some of my teachers knew about it but they never, ever did anything to make me think they did. That's the only thing that gives me pause about the girl's story. I would have died before admitting I hadn't eaten. I would have finagled a meal somehow but I would never tell anyone why I hadn't eaten. I also wouldn't have specified anything (like a pepperoni pizza) because that's too telling. I would have made sure it was the other person's perferred food. I'm not saying you shouldn't feed her or send her home with leftovers but I wouldn't accept her story at face value. My upbringing has also given me heightened awareness when someone isn't what they seem to be.

Order two pizzas, one with pepperoni and one with toppings your DS likes, and ask her to take the leftovers home. My friends and I are all UMC and we share leftovers from meals all the time. Don’t worry about it being weird. If you have time to go to the store or order instacart, you could get a bunch of different kinds of protein/granola/breakfast bar type things. Open up the boxes and ask if she would like to take some home. There was a sale and you went a little crazy and your family will never eat them all. Just leave the open boxes on the counter and maybe when you aren’t hovering, she’ll take a bunch home.

Do you bake? I'd bake before she arrives, or even when she's there. Send some muffins or quick bread home with her. You can tell her you always make some to share with friends and neighbors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This totally breaks my heart. I think you can try to be helpful within limits. We're similar to you in terms of income/class and my sons happen to have friends at both extremes of the income spectrum. They're tween/teen boys so I always overdo the food! But I also make a point of offering rides to the kid whose parents work long hours at restaurant jobs so that he doesn't have to walk long distances or skip social activities simply because he doesn't have a ride. Maybe you can find a way to host the "girlfriend" more regularly? Send her home with the leftover pizza (make up an excuse about not wanting the temptation)?

OP here. I thought about sending leftover pizza home, just wasn’t sure how to “offer” it.
We have other friends that are poor that we do what you mentioned- but these are families we got to know since when they were in elementary when the moms hang out longer before leaving their kids. I don’t know this family at all. So I don’t want to overstep boundaries.

You say “ do you want to take the leftovers, we won’t eat them”

Jeez.

OP just order a lot of food and send it back with her. Make some type of excuse (like you’re going out to dinner or something and will not eat it tomorrow),

Anonymous wrote:And then we have the lovely threads where people look back on their friends' parents ... If it weren't for mrs smith, giving me a place to go and food after school and driving me, Who knows? It pays for itself a thousandfold.

Very grateful for the gently used school uniforms. We did not have laundry facilities or money for the laundromat. Clothes were washed in the bathtub and hung over the shower rod. Having more than one set felt downright luxurious!

Anonymous wrote:My son had friend from age two that always asked for food.

He asked for simple things like a tuna sandwich or peanut butter.

He also asked for a bath. We didn't do that.

Just so he wouldn't feel out of place. My son and I planed some baking and cooking for afternoons when this boy came over. I think this helped my son as well, that understanding someone else's struggles, might mean trying to figure out little ways to help.

It was obvious this family was having struggles.

This was a very upper income family. Very sad.

I will be honest I wasn't good about understanding why their house was gross, beyond gross and no car pooling on their end. I always offered to drive. His mom used to drive with infants in her lap, UGH...

This went on through high school. Boys have graduated from college now.YaY. Unfortunately, the boy in questions mom just got charged with a DUI...

What happened to the boy himself? Hopefully that is a cycle broken.

Anonymous wrote:My son had friend from age two that always asked for food.

He asked for simple things like a tuna sandwich or peanut butter.

He also asked for a bath. We didn't do that.

Just so he wouldn't feel out of place. My son and I planed some baking and cooking for afternoons when this boy came over. I think this helped my son as well, that understanding someone else's struggles, might mean trying to figure out little ways to help.

It was obvious this family was having struggles.

This was a very upper income family. Very sad.

I will be honest I wasn't good about understanding why their house was gross, beyond gross and no car pooling on their end. I always offered to drive. His mom used to drive with infants in her lap, UGH...

This went on through high school. Boys have graduated from college now.YaY. Unfortunately, the boy in questions mom just got charged with a DUI...

Why did you not let him shower at your house?

And then we have the lovely threads where people look back on their friends' parents ... If it weren't for mrs smith, giving me a place to go and food after school and driving me, Who knows? It pays for itself a thousandfold.

I wouldn't order a pepperoni pizza if your son won't eat it. Get something they can eat together.

It maybe an exaggeration that she hasn't eaten anything at all. But she may not have had any meals.

Maybe you can send extra in your son's lunches and he can share his lunch at school.

I am a grad student, and almost 50. In one of my classes we have two students always taking cake and food home when we have a presentation or an event with food. As you can imagine most Profs are skinny and cake is uneaten all the time! One of the young women cried once, she only gets a stipend that comes with her job and she had a rough day. I was buying groceries to mail to my ds in college and ended up buying extra of everything, and gave it to these two young women. I thought it might be awkward but it wasn't. I just said I was shopping for my college ds and thought of the two of them as I was heading to class we were in. It actually was not awkward. DD and I often bake cookies and she gives them to her friends. All her friends are MC of UMC, and they are exchanging cookies and food all the time. I would not think twice about sending cookies to this girl's home. It is the holiday season. I am almost 50 and my excuse for it is that my culture is all about food. I am not lying, my country is all about food, if you have a ds who is 20lbs overweight, I would probably think he is malnourished!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This totally breaks my heart. I think you can try to be helpful within limits. We're similar to you in terms of income/class and my sons happen to have friends at both extremes of the income spectrum. They're tween/teen boys so I always overdo the food! But I also make a point of offering rides to the kid whose parents work long hours at restaurant jobs so that he doesn't have to walk long distances or skip social activities simply because he doesn't have a ride. Maybe you can find a way to host the "girlfriend" more regularly? Send her home with the leftover pizza (make up an excuse about not wanting the temptation)?

OP here. I thought about sending leftover pizza home, just wasn’t sure how to “offer” it.
We have other friends that are poor that we do what you mentioned- but these are families we got to know since when they were in elementary when the moms hang out longer before leaving their kids. I don’t know this family at all. So I don’t want to overstep boundaries.

I work with very poor, food insecure middle schoolers and when I get food I always order extra. Kids have not been shy about taking an extra pizza home. So order an extra pizza or two and say, “wow we won’t be able to eat all of this, Larla, do you want to take it home?”

Anonymous wrote:This totally breaks my heart. I think you can try to be helpful within limits. We're similar to you in terms of income/class and my sons happen to have friends at both extremes of the income spectrum. They're tween/teen boys so I always overdo the food! But I also make a point of offering rides to the kid whose parents work long hours at restaurant jobs so that he doesn't have to walk long distances or skip social activities simply because he doesn't have a ride. Maybe you can find a way to host the "girlfriend" more regularly? Send her home with the leftover pizza (make up an excuse about not wanting the temptation)?

OP here. I thought about sending leftover pizza home, just wasn’t sure how to “offer” it.
We have other friends that are poor that we do what you mentioned- but these are families we got to know since when they were in elementary when the moms hang out longer before leaving their kids. I don’t know this family at all. So I don’t want to overstep boundaries.