I guess it wasn’t.

Guess that "pretty extensive search" you did 2 years ago wasn't as thorough as you thought.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is killing me /s

You guys berate mom's for too many sweets and here you are telling OP she's an ass hat. Ok people, something's not right.

Mom is wrong for not disclosing it. Why? If it was self defense, why did he spend any time in prison for "murder"? According to OP, headline didn't read "manslaughter". Also, OP states that her kids like him a lot, which means they spend time with him and granny.

Team OP!

So you advocate OP not initiating any conversation with her mother about this for at least 5 months. You feel it’s perfectly fine for OP to just sit there silently for months and then decide to make a stand by not attending the wedding. Is that correct?

OP here: First, I’m not an over dramatic asshat. Trust is the absolute issue here. I’m not upset with the boyfriend for his past, although I still do have a lot of unanswered questions which I have asked to have an actual conversation about. My mom has yet to take me up on the offer for a conversation because she is not capable of dealing with these kinds of things. She just wants to sweep it under the rug and assumes it’ll go away. My kids have been in her care and not disclosing is a real issue for me.

He got into an argument with someone at a bar, they went outside and I’m not sure who pulled a gun first, but two people were shot and killed. He served time and then stand your ground law happened while he was in jail, they appealed and he won.

I definitely have questions about the incident but the trust issue is what’s killing me. That’s a pretty big breach of trust, especially when I’ve put my kids in your care. Let me make that call. She shouldn’t have made it for me.

So you literally went looking for drama and found it.
Congrats.

OP, my mother remarried to a man who had a sketchy past (though it did not involve murder). My mother’s sister and I were upset about the marriage and voiced our objections well beforehand. However, I did attend the ceremony and made a charitable donation in her honor. I did so because I knew that to not attend would be making a choice to end (or at least suspend) my relationship with my mother until such time as she could forgive me.

Was your mom his prison pen pal? If so, I wouldn’t go either.

You can still go to the wedding. He's not going to pull out a shotgun and mow down anyone not singing along to the wedding songs.

This thread is killing me /s

You guys berate mom's for too many sweets and here you are telling OP she's an ass hat. Ok people, something's not right.

Mom is wrong for not disclosing it. Why? If it was self defense, why did he spend any time in prison for "murder"? According to OP, headline didn't read "manslaughter". Also, OP states that her kids like him a lot, which means they spend time with him and granny.

Team OP!

ok, I'm going to offer something that might end up being helpful.

My uncle had a ranch, and he had a helper, Rick, on the ranch. When our kids were young, my brother and I would bring our families to visit for a week or so.

I googled Rick one day and found out he was a convicted pedophile. Shaking, I told my uncle and turned out my uncle already knew, and told me not to tell my brother (because he wanted the family visits to keep happening)

I was furious because this is something that I, as a parent, needed to know, so I can make decisions about if I want to put my kids in that environment.

My uncle's point was that he had everything taken care of so our kids would be safe, so there was no reason to tell us.

But that logic fails because you can't control for everything. For instance, Rick has pedophile friends and one showed up on the property. Or maybe Rick had cameras. My uncle needed to tell me and let me decide. And my brother.

I told my uncle that he could tell my brother or I would, because my brother also needed to know and make his own decisions about his kids.

So maybe OP is worked up because she's got little kids and she wants to be the one to decide whether to put them in this situation, rather than have her mom decide for her. And she trusted her mom that her mom would not keep something like that from her. So like my uncle, there is a lot of lying by omission and that is always shocking to discover. And then there is a vulnerability...what else could she not be telling me? Etc.

Meaning, OP is experiencing a breach of trust with her mom, and reacting to that, I think.

not the same, but i googled some parents from the kids' school and i discovered that one of the parents was an arsonist while his father was a murderer. all college educated people, seemingly nice. you would never tell.

I know at least two ladies who married murderers and I don’t know that many people. One marriage did not work out and the other one is too early to tell.

I’m a prosecutor, and even I think you’re being dramatic.

There are many shades of gray when it comes to murder. You can be convicted of it if you’re not the trigger man. Or if your self defense argument isn’t quite spot on. Or for some reason that morally might justify it but legally does not.

Of course it’s cause for concern but not every murderer is a dark-alley-boogeyman. I’m not saying he’s an upstanding citizen either. Just that investigation into the circumstances or knowing his side of the story is something that should be done before just writing him off.

Anonymous wrote:So let’s re-cap:
-2 years ago, you found nothing on an “extensive” Google search
-4-5 months ago, you learn that he was involved in the death of another person
-In the 4-5 months that have passed, you’ve only exchanged some texts with your mother.
-In the 4-5 months that have passed, YOU have not initiated an in-person phone call or conversation about this with your mother.
-And now, you want support from your spouse to not attend wedding

Please grow up. Adults communicate with one another when they have an issue.

This. Also, over-dramatic asshat is spot on.

I would ask your mom why she is ok with this, and really listen to her answer.

And unless you hear something that suggests your family would be in danger at the wedding, go. She's getting married whether you go or not so you accomplish nothing by not going.