Anonymous wrote:About three years ago, two things happened. My husband stopped drinking and started adderall. Since then, he has withdrawn from our marriage and seems to actively dislike me. He seems suspicious of me, always thinks the worst of me, doesn’t want to spend time with me or have anything to do with me, gets mad very quickly and yells says disrespectful things to me. Any ideas on how I could turn things around?

Sometimes people drink so they can go sleep. That kind of habitual drinking can be addictive for some or serve as a fotm of self-medication.

For some, difficulty going to sleep at nigh can be a sign of depression, particularly bipolar depression.

Some people with Bipolar Depression Type 2 have hypomania that is misdiagnosed as ADHD Hyperactive. ADHD patients are often put on stimulant drugs that make bipolar hypomania worse. This stimulant-driven hypomania is often a dysphoric mania that makes the patient irritable, aggressive, angry or restless instead of a “euphoric” hypomania which is typically happy and energetic.

Your DH may be misdiagnosed and placed on the wrong drug. If he is AdHD, there are other non-stimulant ADHD meds to try. If he is bipolar, he shouldn’t be taking an anti-depressant - rather, a mood stabilizer.

Sometimes people who appear to have an alcohol abuse problem are using alcohol to self-medicate mental illness. Read up on “dual diagnosis”. Sometimes it is easier to quit drinking when properly medicated.

Maybe you and your DH can go back and consult with the prescribing psychiatrist and let him know it might be time to reconsider if this is the right medicine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those drugs can definitely turn someone into a major jerk.

Oh please, shut up.
The general consensus is that this has nothing to do with the Adderall and everything to do with how her husband is after he sobered up.

Not true in my experience. My husband was extremely irritable, resentful, cranky, short-tempered and hostile for the 3 years he was on Adderall. I didn’t even consider that it was partly the beds because I also take Adderall and it hasn’t affected my personality that he or I can tell. But this year all of a sudden he is more relaxed, kind, patient, and attentive. I finally asked if it was whether stress at work had gotten better and he said, no, haven’t you noticed I stopped taking Adderall months ago?

Sadly, I don’t know that we can recover from the damage done to our friendship during those years, but I am somewhat hopeful. But if I told him it was Adderall while he was on it, he’d never have believed me. It took him taking himself off for him to realize realize the damage it did.

Same here OP. Untreated adhd and HFA spouse who is verbally abusive.

We are just passing ships. He comes home late, feeds himself, may put one child to bed, then watched TV and goes to bed before 9pm. Barely talks to me or the children or the sitter if he’s home by 6.

Then he wakes up at all odd hours of the early morning, drinks a ton of coffee, reads RSS feeds, showers and leaves. May defrost one of the meals I made for the kids for their lunch to “show he did something.”

And if you ever ask him to do something, or his option, or what happened here or there, he flies into a rage. He can’t connect with the kids so they have a meltdown with him within minutes as they are early elementary but very verbal. He barely hears, acknowledged or says a full sentence to them. His go to thing: What’s up? My 6 yo asked why he is asking her that 10 times one Saturday morning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About three years ago, two things happened. My husband stopped drinking and started adderall. Since then, he has withdrawn from our marriage and seems to actively dislike me. He seems suspicious of me, always thinks the worst of me, doesn’t want to spend time with me or have anything to do with me, gets mad very quickly and yells says disrespectful things to me. Any ideas on how I could turn things around?

sounds like he has internalized his shortcomings (adderall is supposed to address the ADD/Aspie) and blaming you. why you? because he can hide them from most people at work, or out, but not at home nor on the weekends or on a vacation.
he hates himself, however if he is at the blaming, deflecting, verbal abuse stage with loved ones, he also hates you. He is hyper defensive, not interested in changing, and you need to full disassociate and continue to live with him, or leave. You can protect the children better with full custody than by staying.

OP here. I disagree with this which is why I haven't left. He'll get at least half custody. I can't do that to them. I feel like I can protect them better the way things are now. Anyone have any ideas on turning things around in the marriage?

PP here, sorry that I got off track. I meant to respond with, try the 180. Really, you can't control him or where your marriages goes from here. Focus on yourself first and the kids. I wish I would have done that sooner. While I did not consider leaving for the same reasons you mention, I spent years trying to get back a marriage that could not be revived.

You might have a chance of getting one back if you focus on yourself and your kids. Maybe he will see the light and want to come home.

Mine just backed into a corner more and more, and there is nothing to save at this point. Sometimes the medicine is worse than the cure. We honestly just wasted 20k on therapy bc he wasn't invested, and tons more on the other stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About three years ago, two things happened. My husband stopped drinking and started adderall. Since then, he has withdrawn from our marriage and seems to actively dislike me. He seems suspicious of me, always thinks the worst of me, doesn’t want to spend time with me or have anything to do with me, gets mad very quickly and yells says disrespectful things to me. Any ideas on how I could turn things around?

sounds like he has internalized his shortcomings (adderall is supposed to address the ADD/Aspie) and blaming you. why you? because he can hide them from most people at work, or out, but not at home nor on the weekends or on a vacation.
he hates himself, however if he is at the blaming, deflecting, verbal abuse stage with loved ones, he also hates you. He is hyper defensive, not interested in changing, and you need to full disassociate and continue to live with him, or leave. You can protect the children better with full custody than by staying.

OP here. I disagree with this which is why I haven't left. He'll get at least half custody. I can't do that to them. I feel like I can protect them better the way things are now. Anyone have any ideas on turning things around in the marriage?

OP, I have the exact same situation. My husband eventually stopped the adderall bc he got tired of being so angry all of the time, on edge, and so different from what he recognized as himself. He was incredibly withdrawn, would stare at walls, and explode in. rage if we spoke to him. It also made him unable to get an erection. This alone has caused so much damaged to his psyche and our marriage.

After he stopped taking the medicine, things changed, but not that much.

It's now been five years.

We tried counseling 2x. We tried vacations without kids, family time, vacations with kids, you name it.

It's been hard to work through. I have settled into basically being a solo mom with a boarder husband who is sometimes around and mostly not. No sex obviously. No reliable commitment from him or partnership, and still pangs of anger. I myself have gone through quite a bit of depression. Am now sort of coming to terms with my life and trying to live it as best I can.

I wish you the best and hope you can find a better road than mine. Please take time to enjoy yourself, and also care for yourself along the way.

Anonymous wrote:Those drugs can definitely turn someone into a major jerk.

Yes. No one acknowledges this. They can totally change personalities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About three years ago, two things happened. My husband stopped drinking and started adderall. Since then, he has withdrawn from our marriage and seems to actively dislike me. He seems suspicious of me, always thinks the worst of me, doesn’t want to spend time with me or have anything to do with me, gets mad very quickly and yells says disrespectful things to me. Any ideas on how I could turn things around?

sounds like he has internalized his shortcomings (adderall is supposed to address the ADD/Aspie) and blaming you. why you? because he can hide them from most people at work, or out, but not at home nor on the weekends or on a vacation.
he hates himself, however if he is at the blaming, deflecting, verbal abuse stage with loved ones, he also hates you. He is hyper defensive, not interested in changing, and you need to full disassociate and continue to live with him, or leave. You can protect the children better with full custody than by staying.

OP here. I disagree with this which is why I haven't left. He'll get at least half custody. I can't do that to them. I feel like I can protect them better the way things are now. Anyone have any ideas on turning things around in the marriage?

+1. It is damn near impossible to get full custody these days- they’ll give 50/50 even if one parent is abusive, an alcoholic etc.

Not with a diagnosis. Not with a medical examiner spending time with him in the children for 5-10 visits. Your attorney can demand another neuropsych and definitely have a psychiatrist speak with him, the children, and monitor them for several weekends. Costs $50k around here but may be worth it.

Does he even want 50/50. I agree that would be a disaster for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About three years ago, two things happened. My husband stopped drinking and started adderall. Since then, he has withdrawn from our marriage and seems to actively dislike me. He seems suspicious of me, always thinks the worst of me, doesn’t want to spend time with me or have anything to do with me, gets mad very quickly and yells says disrespectful things to me. Any ideas on how I could turn things around?

sounds like he has internalized his shortcomings (adderall is supposed to address the ADD/Aspie) and blaming you. why you? because he can hide them from most people at work, or out, but not at home nor on the weekends or on a vacation.
he hates himself, however if he is at the blaming, deflecting, verbal abuse stage with loved ones, he also hates you. He is hyper defensive, not interested in changing, and you need to full disassociate and continue to live with him, or leave. You can protect the children better with full custody than by staying.

OP here. I disagree with this which is why I haven't left. He'll get at least half custody. I can't do that to them. I feel like I can protect them better the way things are now. Anyone have any ideas on turning things around in the marriage?

My 8 year old is on adhd meds - has been since he was 5. It sucks. The meds make him flat and joyless. He’s indifferent to everything. We’ve tried all the different formulations and this is where we are. Anyone who says aderall doesn’t change your personality is trying to prove something. I spend a lot of time on the special needs board, and irritability is a pretty frequent side effect of the meds (not just during the come down, but as a concurrent side effect). Also, according to sons psychiatrist, the more neuro stuff you have going on, the more likely the meds are likely to come with complexities. So a kid with run of the mill mild adhd inattentive may have a pretty seamless transition to adderrall. But ops dh - who already has addiction and alcohol issues - which might mean underlying anxiety or depression or who know what - is more likely to have issues using meds. .

My two best friends from childhood (40+ year friendships) ended their marriages when they got sober. Both were alcoholics and drug abusers who had married alcoholics. These are high functioning individuals (one in Congress, one owns an accounting firm) but they realized they did not love their wives once they got sober. Very sad.

He needs another diagnosis. Adderall is an amphetamine. You are basically living with a coke head -especially if the diagnosis is off.

DW. Adderall made me very angry, despite not being an angry person. I was more irritable as well. I’m fine on Vyvanse.