Anonymous wrote:Whoever is pregnant with the child gets to decide if there is a disagreement on this.

God forbid your sperm donor have a say in things. Good luck parenting and enjoy your inevitable divorce.

Anonymous wrote:We waited with the first. It was fun not knowing.

+1

don't find out. it's so much fun to find out at the birth!

I would think that 9 times out of 10, it would slip and the surprise spouse would find out unintentionally. If you're okay with that and wouldn't hold it against the spouse, then by all means give it a go. If a slipped secret would cause anger, then i think it's best that everyone finds out together.

Anonymous wrote:Once I found out the sex of both of my kids, I started thinking of them, and referring to them, as he and she. I think it would be really easy to slip, so my advice would be for parents to either both find out, or neither does.

I agree.

I had a friend who did this - she found out and her DH waited until birth. It worked out fine for them, but I’m not sure how.. I think I would unintentionally give it away and I think my DH would do the same. We tried to be surprised with our second, but the tech gave it away during the 20 week scan. She said, “he - oops, umm, I mean he or she - looks great!” If medical professionals slip, I think it would be very hard to live with someone for months without it slipping. FWIW, we were surprised with our third, and I loved finding out at birth.

OP- thank you for the helpful replies! We have names picked out and this is our second, the baby will be staying in our room for six months until we move it into their own room and will decorate then. The baby has a gender neutral middle name and that's what we've been calling it. Will have to think! Again the parent who doesn't want to find out isn't against the other parent finding out, just doesn't want to know themselves.

Anonymous wrote:My husband didn't want to know, but it was our final child and I was dying to know. We had two older boys, and I really wanted to decorate the nursery.

I called the ultrasound tech after my appointment and asked quietly. I never told a soul that I knew...until today. She will be 14 on Saturday.

I didn't decorate until I had her, but I had it all planned out on my work computer and had everything set up within a week or two.

This is so cute.

My friends successfully did this. He wanted to find out, she didn’t. So they agreed he would know but would never say anything. They had some cutesy nickname for the baby to avoid using he or she. Together they designed a nursery for a girl and a nursery for a boy. He later went back and bought all the stuff they picked out for a girl and just covered it up and hid it where she wouldn’t look. When she went back to her hometown for a baby shower, he decorated the entire nursery with all the girl items they had picked out, then just kept the door shut. She somehow had enough will power not to go in there and see what it looked like. If he bought anything gender specific, it stayed in the box or bag in an area where she would not see it. He never told anyone, and somehow never slipped up. It completely worked for them. I can’t imagine it would work for most people, but it did for them. Although with kid #2, they decided just to find out together and avoid all that effort.

Anonymous wrote:There's 6 billion people on the planet I'M SURE IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE. As to the great mystery of how others did it...easy...they kept their friggin mouths shut.

What is wrong with all of you people? The entire point of DCUM is to ask questions like this. Yes, I'm a planet of 6 billion people everything has been done before. So what? If people were able to poll all 6 billion maybe they would, but they can't so they ask questions here. If you're not interested in the question just DON'T RESPOND.

This just seems to make things more complicated than they need to be.

I know one couple who did this. They had a girl already and the dad wanted a boy so badly that he wanted to find out ahead of time so he wouldn't be disappointed at the birth (I know). So, he did. It was a boy. She claims she didn't ever find out, but you'd think his reaction would have been clear. Seems weird to me.

There's 6 billion people on the planet I'M SURE IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE. As to the great mystery of how others did it...easy...they kept their friggin mouths shut.

Weird responses.
I'm friends with a couple where the mom found out but the dad didn't want to know. He was surprised at birth.

Anonymous wrote:We waited with the first. It was fun not knowing.

That's not what she's asking.

I think if you're going to do this, you need to do two things:

1) Decide on a pronoun BEFORE the sonogram. Just make the executive decision before anyone knows the sex that for the whole pregnancy, you're saying "he." Get in that habit. There's no way the person who knows can successfully talk around pronouns for months on end.
2) You can't tell anyone else. Not a single person.

If you do both those things, I'd say you've got a decent shot of getting to delivery without spoiling the surprise.

We waited with the first. It was fun not knowing.

Anonymous wrote:Our oldest kids are two boys & when I was pregnant with #3, I didn’t want to know the sex & DH did. I left the room and let the sonographer tell him because I felt it was his kid too so he should be able to find out if he wants. I made him swear not to tell me.

He looked shell shocked coming out of the room and that was my 1st clue. Then he kept pestering me to let him tell me, and I finally caved after a week. (Of course you know where this is going, #3 is a girl).

I feel like this is what would happen. Either the "doesn't know" spouse would be able to tell, or the "does know" spouse wouldn't be able to keep it in, because they want to talk about the baby. I think it's still fine as long as both sides are kind of okay with knowing in the end. But if you really, truly don't want to know for the entire pregnancy, I think you have to assume that by spouse finding out you will not get your wish.