Anonymous
11/11/2019 18:05
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? NO, they (my parents) never babysit and we would never ask them to. My FIL and his caregiver live with us and my FIL would be unable to babysit because of dementia.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? MY PARENTS live down the street. We see them at least 2-3 times a week.
3. How many times do they visit you a year? SAME as #2
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? N/A
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? N/A
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? THEY almost always pay but sometimes my husband gets grabby with the bill and pays, which annoys my dad. We pay all of my FILs expenses if we go out with him.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? YIKES, no!
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? NO but growing up my parents sent $500 a month to my dad's mom (this was in the 70s and 80s and $500 was a lot more back then than it is now)
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? YES, we put away 3% a month of net income in a special savings account earmarked for parent LTC. I don't think we'll need it but we started about 20 years ago. It is a sizable amount now.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? YES, my FIL lives with us now. It was an emergency decision after my MIL died. It has been a blessing. We added an addition to the house and reconfigured the first floor to make it work. We could do the same with my parents but their health needs are different and they will likely go to one of the 4-5 places where we have deposits. Where they go depends on who is the surviving parent and what they want. If they want they are certainly welcome to join us in our home. We would need another addition.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 17:27
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
No babysitting.
Once a year visit on average.
Parents, once every two years; MIL, never, due to chronic illness and old age.
Everyone pays for their own tickets.
Older generation generally pays for restaurant meals.
We have a system of interest-free loans within both families.
Older generation does not borrow.
All of them seem to have planned for all their needs
I am an only child and may take in a surviving parent. MIL is aging in place with the assiduous help of her two nearest sons and numerous aides.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 17:21
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? neither set of grandparents live close. Kids fly out to see one set on their own each year. Not exactly babysitting for us because the trip is for the benefit of the grandparents and grandkids, but DH and I usually take a little trip at the same time.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? Closer grandparents (5hour drive) about 4x, farther grandparents 2-3 times
3. How many times do they visit you a year? It has dwindled down to 0 times most years due to mobility issues with the grandmas.
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? They have always paid for their tickets
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? We have always paid for our tickets
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? It varies greatly, but in general the grandparents like to pay more
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? No need
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No need
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age?No need
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? Both DH and I would welcome this, but there is close to 0% chance that any of them would want to move away from their communities
Anonymous
11/11/2019 17:15
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? Mom lives with us, watches baby full-time. IL's looking forward to babysitting in future.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? ILs: most major holidays + some. Probably 8-10 times/year with us going to them.
3. How many times do they visit you a year? Maybe 6 times a year? FIL has a rental unit in DC and sometimes stops by after picking up rent. Otherwise not very often. I think they're largely trying not to be intrusive, but they're always welcome. I think they also feel more spry in the morning when we're at work.
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? They pay for their plane tickets.
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? We pay for our plane tickets
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? Generally we pay for eating out with my mom, and FIL pays with them. This is a macho thing on my DH's and his dad's part, not to do with relative wealth.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? No but I did in college and right after. Always paid back.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? Recently we loaned my mom $15k to get her house in shape to rent out when she moved in with us - she's paying back. We also pay for her gym membership but it's part of the "thank you for watching our baby" package. Considering loaning FIL a chunk of money to fix whatever's making his basement smell like mold but it seems like a hard sell to get him to take money even as a loan, see above re: macho. We also loan/give money to some other people in DH's family who are not in good shape financially and I could see us doing that for my sister though we have not yet. We're very well-off comparatively speaking.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? Not as such. I do have a "family EF" that is not huge but is there to make it less stressful when one of DH's cousins or my sister hits a hard patch; we don't have to move money from other goals to help out.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? We anticipate taking care of my mom in our home for as long as that is possible. She already lives here and has definitely earned it. If FIL needed it we would, but he's remarried and it seems less likely. Have discussed both situations and are on the same page.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 17:03
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
Anonymous wrote:
Inlaws:
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? Nope. Never (i wouldn't really trust their ability to)
2. How many times do you visit them a year? 5-7 (weekends)
3. How many times do they visit you a year? 3-5 (saturday visits only)
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? NA 2 hour drive
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? NA 2 hour drive
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? They do when we visit them, we do when they visit us
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? Never.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? Never.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? Nope, they are financially able to pay for their own longterm care.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? Nope.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 16:57
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year?
yes, and they are eager to. My mom usually once a month or so for a couple hours. My in-laws usually take them for long enough for us to go out to lunch or dinner once or twice every time we see them (they live out of town)
2. How many times do you visit them a year?
My family is in town, we go over roughly every other week. ILs are in Florida, we visit them there once a year.
3. How many times do they visit you a year?
ILs fly up several times a year
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you?
Them
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them?
Us
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing?
We basically never do outings with my parents as my dad doesn’t like to leave his recliner. If with ILs, we typically each pay our own way. Sometimes if other sibs are there, ILs will pay for the group.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents?
No
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses?
No
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age?
No
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse?
We have discussed. Assumption is that my mom may end up living with us at some point, just based on our guesses of how things will go with everyone’s health and whatnot.
yes, and they are eager to. My mom usually once a month or so for a couple hours. My in-laws usually take them for long enough for us to go out to lunch or dinner once or twice every time we see them (they live out of town)
2. How many times do you visit them a year?
My family is in town, we go over roughly every other week. ILs are in Florida, we visit them there once a year.
3. How many times do they visit you a year?
ILs fly up several times a year
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you?
Them
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them?
Us
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing?
We basically never do outings with my parents as my dad doesn’t like to leave his recliner. If with ILs, we typically each pay our own way. Sometimes if other sibs are there, ILs will pay for the group.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents?
No
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses?
No
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age?
No
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse?
We have discussed. Assumption is that my mom may end up living with us at some point, just based on our guesses of how things will go with everyone’s health and whatnot.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 16:56
Subject: Re:Poll about parents and in laws & money
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? Rarely. They live close by and maybe 2x/year?
2. How many times do you visit them a year? ILs live close by. We go to their house maybe 4X/year. My mother lives in another state and we almost never visit her - maybe once every few years? She never invites us.
3. How many times do they visit you a year? ILs live close by. Maybe 2-3X/year? My mother visits a few times a year.
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? We pay for my mom's plane ticket when she visits.
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? N/A
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? We do.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? Never.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? Never.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? No. We've discussed and agreed we will not do that.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? ILs live close by. We go to their house maybe 4X/year. My mother lives in another state and we almost never visit her - maybe once every few years? She never invites us.
3. How many times do they visit you a year? ILs live close by. Maybe 2-3X/year? My mother visits a few times a year.
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? We pay for my mom's plane ticket when she visits.
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? N/A
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? We do.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? Never.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? Never.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? No. We've discussed and agreed we will not do that.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 16:53
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
Also, I would never take in my own mother. She has BPD, and is abusive.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 16:52
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year?
My ex-MIL and SIL used to babysit a few times a year. My mother never babysat. My child is too old for that now.
2. How many times do you visit them a year?
Ex-ILs : 6-8 times per year, current MIL: 7 days a week, Mother: Once a year
3. How many times do they visit you a year?
None visit me
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you?
N/A
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them?
I do. All current and ex ILs are local.
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing?
Ex ILs usually pick up the check. I pay for current MIL and my mother.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents?
Never
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses?
My mother usually asks. We paid her rent for a while.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse?
I’d take in current MIL. We moved her to a nearby apartment and are over there 7 days a week caring for her.
My ex-MIL and SIL used to babysit a few times a year. My mother never babysat. My child is too old for that now.
2. How many times do you visit them a year?
Ex-ILs : 6-8 times per year, current MIL: 7 days a week, Mother: Once a year
3. How many times do they visit you a year?
None visit me
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you?
N/A
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them?
I do. All current and ex ILs are local.
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing?
Ex ILs usually pick up the check. I pay for current MIL and my mother.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents?
Never
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses?
My mother usually asks. We paid her rent for a while.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse?
I’d take in current MIL. We moved her to a nearby apartment and are over there 7 days a week caring for her.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 10:14
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year?
2. How many times do you visit them a year?
3. How many times do they visit you a year?
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you?
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them?
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing?
7. Do you borrow money from your parents?
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses?
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age?
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse?
1. none
2. 4-5
3. rare, only for school events so maybe 1-2 times a year for a few hours
4. them
5. me
6. me
7. never
8. a few times but not regularly
9. no
10. yes
Anonymous
11/11/2019 10:09
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? My dad babysits a couple of times per year. Would do more if we asked I imagine. In-laws are not local but we drop the kids with them for a long weekend once every year or two.
2. How many times do you visit them a year?
My dad is local we see him about once per month. We visit my in-laws a few times per year.
3. How many times do they visit you a year? My dad is local. My in-laws visit about 5 time per year.
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? driving distance
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? driving distance
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? With my dad we probably only go out on a special occasion and that would probably dictate who pays (his birthday, we pay, my birthday, he pays). In-laws always pay for everything if we are with them.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? My dad, no, but I did when I was younger and still could/would if I needed to. In-laws have given us money when with no expectation of return when we asked to borrow. We would probably sooner ask my dad because he would let us pay him back.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? No.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 10:04
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? 2-4 maybe? (we live 7 hours apart from my parents/11 hours from ILs so often we are there to visit them or vice-versa. if we lived closer, this number would be much higher)
2. How many times do you visit them a year? 5-7 for mine, 2-4 for ILs
3. How many times do they visit you a year? 1-2 (they might be willing to do more but my parents are divorced and they and my siblings all live close to each other so I'd rather go and see all of them at once
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? Them
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? Us
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? depends on the group; if they are visiting us, we pay. Often they prefer to treat us when we visit them. (Unless we are doing some kid-centric activity in which we always pay)
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? No
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No but we would if they needed it
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No - my parents aren't rich but are well-off enough that I am not worried about it; I am less familiar with ILs financial state but DH assures me it will not be an issue (plus he is one of four and everyone is in a position/mindset to pitch in if needed)
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? We both would do it if needed but doubt our parents would want to leave their hometowns/our siblings to come to DC
Responses above.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 09:56
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
My parents are deceased. IL's live in Florida.
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? Yes, they watch them alone a few long weekends a year
2. How many times do you visit them a year? 1-2
3. How many times do they visit you a year? 2-3 FIL, 5-6 MIL
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? they do unless we specifically ask them to come to watch the kids
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? we do
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? we always try to, they do occasionally
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? never, we have more than they do
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? no
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? no
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? not discussed, SIL would be more likely to physically take them but we have more $$ (though I think they have enough for long term care etc if needed)
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? Yes, they watch them alone a few long weekends a year
2. How many times do you visit them a year? 1-2
3. How many times do they visit you a year? 2-3 FIL, 5-6 MIL
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? they do unless we specifically ask them to come to watch the kids
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? we do
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? we always try to, they do occasionally
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? never, we have more than they do
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? no
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? no
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? not discussed, SIL would be more likely to physically take them but we have more $$ (though I think they have enough for long term care etc if needed)
Anonymous
11/11/2019 09:53
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? My parents are local and pick the kids up from school - we pay them. Inlaws are 1300 miles away and absolutely would if they were closer.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? inlaws we fly to see 2 times a year
3. How many times do they visit you a year? inlaws fly to us 3-4 times a year
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? they pay
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? we pay
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? we usually pay for my parents who are on a tight budget. with inlaws it's whoever manages to get the bill first but FIL tries very hard not to let us pay
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? no
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? my parents borrow from us. inlaws would never consider it - FIL will probably continue working until he absolutely can't anymore
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? no
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? we would not take in my parents nor do they expect us to. We would be willing to take in DH's parents.
My parents have a history of making very questionable financial decisions and have made it clear that they never want to be a burden on me. It would be nice if they had made better choices (my dad retired early with very limited savings and has bought more boats that I can count while my mother says that she doesn't want to create a budget to live on because "I did that when we were first married and it was no fun") but as long as they aren't destitute I am going to focus on taking care of my kids and my own retirement.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? inlaws we fly to see 2 times a year
3. How many times do they visit you a year? inlaws fly to us 3-4 times a year
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? they pay
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? we pay
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? we usually pay for my parents who are on a tight budget. with inlaws it's whoever manages to get the bill first but FIL tries very hard not to let us pay
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? no
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? my parents borrow from us. inlaws would never consider it - FIL will probably continue working until he absolutely can't anymore
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? no
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? we would not take in my parents nor do they expect us to. We would be willing to take in DH's parents.
My parents have a history of making very questionable financial decisions and have made it clear that they never want to be a burden on me. It would be nice if they had made better choices (my dad retired early with very limited savings and has bought more boats that I can count while my mother says that she doesn't want to create a budget to live on because "I did that when we were first married and it was no fun") but as long as they aren't destitute I am going to focus on taking care of my kids and my own retirement.
Anonymous
11/11/2019 09:51
Subject: Poll about parents and in laws & money
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? When we're visiting my ILs for Christmas, they'll hang out with the kids for a couple of hours while DH and I go out to lunch for my birthday (which is right around that time). Of course, my kids are teenagers so it's not really babysitting at this point. They could technically just stay at the ILs house by themselves.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? We visit my parents twice a year (one of those is just me and the kids) and the ILs twice a year (one of those is just DH and whichever kid(s) want to go with him).
3. How many times do they visit you a year? My parents come here 3-4 times/year. The ILs visit, at most, once.
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? N/A. We drive.
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? See above.
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? Eating out with my parents, it depends. Sometimes we pay, sometimes they do, sometimes we split the bill. It depends on the cost and how often we're going out during the visit. For outings that require tickets, etc. we pay for ourselves.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? Absolutely not.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No. I did help out a bit when my parents were in a bind at one point but that was a one time deal about 15 years ago or more.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? I couldn't live with either my parents or ILs, and know that my parents wouldn't want to move here to live with us anyway. This could be an issue with my parents from a financial perspective...I have no idea how they'll afford any care they might need as they age. My ILs are definitely well enough off to finance their own future care without any help from us or their other children (and honestly, DHs siblings are both in a better financial state than we are and could/would easily help out if needed). While DH and I have never had a formal conversation about it, we agree that we'll help out to the best of our ability but that paying our own bills, saving for retirement, and putting our kids through college all take priority. Financial help is only an option if those things are taken care of first.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? We visit my parents twice a year (one of those is just me and the kids) and the ILs twice a year (one of those is just DH and whichever kid(s) want to go with him).
3. How many times do they visit you a year? My parents come here 3-4 times/year. The ILs visit, at most, once.
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? N/A. We drive.
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? See above.
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? Eating out with my parents, it depends. Sometimes we pay, sometimes they do, sometimes we split the bill. It depends on the cost and how often we're going out during the visit. For outings that require tickets, etc. we pay for ourselves.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? Absolutely not.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No. I did help out a bit when my parents were in a bind at one point but that was a one time deal about 15 years ago or more.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? I couldn't live with either my parents or ILs, and know that my parents wouldn't want to move here to live with us anyway. This could be an issue with my parents from a financial perspective...I have no idea how they'll afford any care they might need as they age. My ILs are definitely well enough off to finance their own future care without any help from us or their other children (and honestly, DHs siblings are both in a better financial state than we are and could/would easily help out if needed). While DH and I have never had a formal conversation about it, we agree that we'll help out to the best of our ability but that paying our own bills, saving for retirement, and putting our kids through college all take priority. Financial help is only an option if those things are taken care of first.