Anonymous wrote:Empathy is the biggest thing.

I am not interested in raising kids who say please and thank you but cannot understand or empathize with other people's situations.

At 3 and on we would talk about being a good friend. Taking turns, being nice to people, etc. And when other kids were doing things that are not nice, we would talk about how they are still learning how to be a friend.

^^^honestly a good quality preschool (not necessarily $) with an excellent social emotional curriculum makes the difference. Learning how to say "Can I have a turn when you are finished?" and "I don't like it when you ..." etc are so important and set the stage for the future.

Empathy is the biggest thing.

I am not interested in raising kids who say please and thank you but cannot understand or empathize with other people's situations.

At 3 and on we would talk about being a good friend. Taking turns, being nice to people, etc. And when other kids were doing things that are not nice, we would talk about how they are still learning how to be a friend.

Modeling and positive reinforcement, 1000%. Also, extended periods of time living with other people, preferably without access to screens, like a high-quality summer camp if you can afford it.

That said, be mindful of who your kids are hanging out with. If they are spending a lot of time with bullies or at a friend's house where the parents don't share the values and behaviors you want to instill, reconsider the amount of time they spend together.

It isn't about necessarily excluding everyone who isn't like you until they are older but consider that if your son or daughter spends boatloads of time with a family that believes girls shouldn't go to school for anything but an MRS degree, has ONLY the females clean up, do chores, etc, etc, what sort of message does that send your child? It normalizes it.

Same with people/parents who begin drinking at 9a, people who just scream until they get their way or because they have to wait in line, or take your child to a church after a sleepover and the sermon is on how they think we should go back to enslaving POC (I really wish I was joking about this last one).

As an adult, modeling at home and by friends & family members when others weren't watching made the biggest impression on me. Seeing those values and behaviors in other families went a long way in reinforcing that and it is important to model them when it is genuine and isn't just for show.

The households with abusive or toxic behavior and those that actively punished things most people take for granted like women voting, wearing anything but a skirt, parents and children of both genders dividing chores and helping clean up after a meal were pretty traumatizing. Being harassed or bullied by the older adults for daring to...sit at the table vs the counter, wear pants or graduate university.

I never thought about this specifically. I just went about my life, and explained my decision-making. And when I'd say no I'd explain why.

"The dry cereal spilled. It needs to be cleaned up so we don't get ants and so people don't walk through it and track it into other rooms."
"That woman looks uncomfortable standing, so I'll give her my seat."
"This pan of brownies is for us, and this pan of brownies we are going to bring to Old Mr. Richards, because he had surgery. And when you're in pain and can't move around much, it's nice to have a little treat and know people care about you."
"This is a card to send to Gloria, because her husband died, so we want her to know we're thinking of her and are sorry for her loss."
"That man passed out from the heat, so I'm going to pass back your water so someone closer can give it to him."
"Those roses are beautiful; we can't take them home because they're not ours but I can lift you up high to smell if you want."
"Don't pick the flowers in the public garden - then there won't be any for other people to enjoy."