I've decided my role with my elderly abusive parents is to make sure they have gov supports where appropriate (they live in another country) but I won't have them live with me. I"ve already put in a call to the local aged care office in their town and I know who to contact if/when they deteriorate and need more. A sibling has power of attorney and I will support that sibling when the time comes.

I pay zero attention to the 'but they're your pareeeenttts' types. You haven't walked in my shoes, STFU.

Ideas:

Set a time to visit and stick to it. Could be once a week or once a month.

Set boundaries in other ways, too.

I know one person who does not speak to the parent or visit yet helps behind the scenes to ensure finances are organized.

Anonymous wrote:Nothing OP. Repeat.

I recently converted to this position. Huge bump in my quality of life!

I know you owe a bad parent nothing, yet at the same time, the way you treat your parents is setting up the model for the way your children will treat you when you are old and sick and a burden to their busy lives.

It's true that it's important to maintain your own mental health, but if you can form some sort of relationship with your old and sick parent, even if it's birthday cards and a bi-monthly phone call, it may be mentally useful to you.

nd you really should set an example to your children. Forgiveness is not acceptance of the bad behavior. It's moving on and dealing with the present and letting go of resentment that burdens you.

No, you "owe" your abusive parent nothing, but you owe it to yourself to decide what your obligations are, to draw the line, and accept that the person responsible for your existence on Earth may be someone you need to accept, terrible person or not.

It's not easy to forgive terrible parenting, but it may be worth it to you in the long run. And your kids are watching. Don't give them the message that turning your back on a parent in need is the best plan of action. You do have choices. Don't expect gratitude for doing the right thing.

Nothing OP. Repeat.

I'd say you owe them nothing if you've had no relationship with them and they've never tried to be in your life when you needed them.

I'd say you owe them at least some regular visits if you have seen them regularly over the years, gotten gifts, moral and other types of support from them.

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar place with my mom. It is hard, and I especially struggle with the fact that when I don’t help, the burden falls on others I care about who live closer. I’m not sure what I’ll do when her needs are greater.

+1. Same.