Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 16:17     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a professor, and his college belongs to an association of colleges. He and his kids are counting on going to one of these. They will receive a massive break on tuition. All are top tier, some in the top 20 colleges in the country. So there is a range of options the kids should get into, the kids know these are their options and are happy with that. So this is a saving grace.

What gets my goat is that DH's ex earns a decent salary but spends it 100% on herself, including a new home, car, trips, etc. So she has an ability to contribute but does not. She is difficult, so DH has chosen not to "upset" her by taking her to court. We have the kids 5-6 days/week.


So he’s upsetting you by needing your assets to retire.

Why does he not want to upset her further? I’ll bet you he cheated.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 16:13     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
OP here. DH is a professor, and his college belongs to an association of colleges. He and his kids are counting on going to one of these. They will receive a massive break on tuition. All are top tier, some in the top 20 colleges in the country. So there is a range of options the kids should get into, the kids know these are their options and are happy with that. So this is a saving grace.

What gets my goat is that DH's ex earns a decent salary but spends it 100% on herself, including a new home, car, trips, etc. So she has an ability to contribute but does not. She is difficult, so DH has chosen not to "upset" her by taking her to court. We have the kids 5-6 days/week.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 16:06     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You’re either all in or you’re out. If you really love him, you will pool your retirement and find a way to make sure his kids get to college. If you can’t do those things, you have no business professing your love and being married.


Oh no, she is not responsible for putting his kids through college. That's on her DH and the kids' mother.


Ok. Well he is going to save less (nothing?) while paying for their college which affects the OP. There is no such thing as separate finances when you are married.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 16:06     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You’re either all in or you’re out. If you really love him, you will pool your retirement and find a way to make sure his kids get to college. If you can’t do those things, you have no business professing your love and being married.


Oh no, she is not responsible for putting his kids through college. That's on her DH and the kids' mother.


This is a blended family and OP says the kids get along well. This will not last if OP's kids have their choice of colleges while her DH's kids get community college and maybe on to a state four year.

It never bodes well when children sharing the same home are treated so disparately.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 15:41     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:You’re either all in or you’re out. If you really love him, you will pool your retirement and find a way to make sure his kids get to college. If you can’t do those things, you have no business professing your love and being married.


Oh no, she is not responsible for putting his kids through college. That's on her DH and the kids' mother.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 14:58     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I made 5x what my wife made for our entire marriage. Are you suggesting that I shouldn’t “subsidize” her retirement?

Did she have a couple of kids with someone else?


Np here. What difference would that make? By the time retirement rolls around, presumably any kids are self-sufficient adults. Op’s dh will have some money in his name, op will have money in her name. I can’t imagine being married and thinking of our retirement funds as seperate assets. That just doesn’t make sense, even when it’s a second marriage with a blended family.

Correct. OP is selfish. She should not have married.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 14:52     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
You’re either all in or you’re out. If you really love him, you will pool your retirement and find a way to make sure his kids get to college. If you can’t do those things, you have no business professing your love and being married.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 14:27     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I made 5x what my wife made for our entire marriage. Are you suggesting that I shouldn’t “subsidize” her retirement?

Did she have a couple of kids with someone else?


Np here. What difference would that make? By the time retirement rolls around, presumably any kids are self-sufficient adults. Op’s dh will have some money in his name, op will have money in her name. I can’t imagine being married and thinking of our retirement funds as seperate assets. That just doesn’t make sense, even when it’s a second marriage with a blended family.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 14:25     Subject: Re:Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
What is wrong with subsidizing him OP? That's what you do to your loved ones? Don't you love him? You did not say that he is a reckless spender. Your problem seems to be that he doesn't have enough money and assets, and he is not receiving CS from his ex. I understand his decision to not argue for money with his ex. His peace and sanity may be worth more than the child support he would receive. Unfortunately, live for you seems to be about money first. You should divorce this man before you destroy his life and his children.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 14:20     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:OP, I made 5x what my wife made for our entire marriage. Are you suggesting that I shouldn’t “subsidize” her retirement?

Did she have a couple of kids with someone else?
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 14:18     Subject: Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
OP, I made 5x what my wife made for our entire marriage. Are you suggesting that I shouldn’t “subsidize” her retirement?
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 13:57     Subject: Re:Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
While I can understand separate finances for certain things, I don’t understand your view on separate retirements. It doesn’t sound like you view him as a true partner.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 13:52     Subject: Re:Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse - you are a team now.


This. This situation is a good example of how "separate finances" for married couples don't exist.



Yeah. OP, you need to talk to him. The last paragraph of what you wrote in your OP. If you can't work it out together, go to counseling.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 13:50     Subject: Re:Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse - you are a team now.


This. This situation is a good example of how "separate finances" for married couples don't exist.



+1

Amen.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 13:48     Subject: Re:Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement
Anonymous wrote:
For better or for worse - you are a team now.


This. This situation is a good example of how "separate finances" for married couples don't exist.


Totally agree.