Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you capable of getting two kids to bed? 12 yr old babysitters can do this routine.

I COULD be a single mom pp, but I prefer to do it with my competent contributing husband. Why aren't you capable of holding men to the same standard you hold women?

- not op

I do hold men and women to the same standard. My point is, it doesn't take two adults to get two kids to bed. Why isn't he getting tomorrow's breakfast/lunch ready, or cleaning up from dinner, or folding laundry, or paying bills, while you're putting the kids to bed? What I'm asking is, why aren't you capable, and why would you marry someone unwilling to carry their weight?

DP. Not all of us have kids before we get married. If you get married when you’re child-free and living in a small apartment/condo where there simply aren’t that many responsibilities to share, it can be harder to predict that your spouse is going to turn into a freeloader once there’s a house and two kids in the picture.

I would point out to him that you don’t plan to stay married to someone who can’t be bothered to involve himself in the very basics of family life. And after a divorce, he will be handling bedtime along with every other childcare must do alone 50% of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you capable of getting two kids to bed? 12 yr old babysitters can do this routine.

I COULD be a single mom pp, but I prefer to do it with my competent contributing husband. Why aren't you capable of holding men to the same standard you hold women?

- not op

I do hold men and women to the same standard. My point is, it doesn't take two adults to get two kids to bed. Why isn't he getting tomorrow's breakfast/lunch ready, or cleaning up from dinner, or folding laundry, or paying bills, while you're putting the kids to bed? What I'm asking is, why aren't you capable, and why would you marry someone unwilling to carry their weight?

I cannot imagine this! My DH works 60-100 hours a week and still makes a point to come home and help with bedtime. If he can’t make it home he calls, remorseful, that he has to work late and can’t help with bedtime. You need to have a serious come to Jesus talk with him. I would be pissed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

He won't do it. That is what is going on here. I ask him, he knows I need help. I wake up in the middle of the night to do the dishes and make lunches. He knows this and does not care.

Drop the martyrdom. Leave the house at bedtime.

NP, I've done this and come back at 11pm and the 3 year old was still awake

Is he like this at other times? What is he like on Saturday mornings? I feel like this is a symptom, not the disease.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

He won't do it. That is what is going on here. I ask him, he knows I need help. I wake up in the middle of the night to do the dishes and make lunches. He knows this and does not care.

Drop the martyrdom. Leave the house at bedtime.

NP, I've done this and come back at 11pm and the 3 year old was still awake

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

He won't do it. That is what is going on here. I ask him, he knows I need help. I wake up in the middle of the night to do the dishes and make lunches. He knows this and does not care.

He just says no?

Honestly, if you can’t sit down and talk to him about this — “dude, what the eff, this is your family and you need to be involved!” and he won’t go to counseling, I’d dump his butt. And I’m not one of the frequent “divorce him” posters. That kind of contempt is poisonous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

When I go check on then after I do the dishes, Brad would be asleep and the toddler would be next to him watching YouTube on Brad's phone. Or Lardo is asleep wearing his bike helmet and soccer cleats instead of PJs.

I’m one of those uncultured heathens who let their kids sleep in their day clothes so I wouldn’t mind the second one too much, but seriously, your husband just flat out ignores his family?! I’d go nuclear.

+1. Unless there are some extenuating circumstances you haven’t shared, I would be having a come-to-Jesus talk with him about his role in the family. I can’t imagine staying married to someone like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

When I go check on then after I do the dishes, Brad would be asleep and the toddler would be next to him watching YouTube on Brad's phone. Or Lardo is asleep wearing his bike helmet and soccer cleats instead of PJs.

So, don't go check? Seriously, you need to let them figure out a routine that works for them. Even if that figuring out process means that Brad is getting up in the night, because Larlo got uncomfortable in his bike helmet, and deciding if he's the kind of parent who does care about pj's or if he's the kind of parent who cares about teaching their kid to take off their own bike helmet and cleats. Because both of those are fine ways to parent.

Expecting him to do it like you would do it, doesn't really work. He needs to figure out how to be a parent by parenting, and part of parenting is making mistakes and learning from your errors. So, asking for him to do one piece of your routine, and then critiquing it isn't the solution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

He won't do it. That is what is going on here. I ask him, he knows I need help. I wake up in the middle of the night to do the dishes and make lunches. He knows this and does not care.

Drop the martyrdom. Leave the house at bedtime.

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

He won't do it. That is what is going on here. I ask him, he knows I need help. I wake up in the middle of the night to do the dishes and make lunches. He knows this and does not care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

When I go check on then after I do the dishes, Brad would be asleep and the toddler would be next to him watching YouTube on Brad's phone. Or Lardo is asleep wearing his bike helmet and soccer cleats instead of PJs.

I’m one of those uncultured heathens who let their kids sleep in their day clothes so I wouldn’t mind the second one too much, but seriously, your husband just flat out ignores his family?! I’d go nuclear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you capable of getting two kids to bed? 12 yr old babysitters can do this routine.

I COULD be a single mom pp, but I prefer to do it with my competent contributing husband. Why aren't you capable of holding men to the same standard you hold women?

- not op

+1000.

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

When I go check on then after I do the dishes, Brad would be asleep and the toddler would be next to him watching YouTube on Brad's phone. Or Lardo is asleep wearing his bike helmet and soccer cleats instead of PJs.

So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.