I agree with being more hands off as time goes on, and particularly in HS as they prepare for college or what's next. There's an epidemic of anxiety in our kids (especially in this area and other "high-performing" school districts in the country), exacerbated by helicopter parenting, as everyone knows. Grades aren't the end-all, be-all in what you are preparing your child for in life. You want a resilient kid, confident in their abilities to manage their own life, in the end. It's hard to do this but I, as a parent of an ADD child who struggles with grades (but is TOTALLY capable of straight As), am as hands off as possible with overseeing his grades and study habits. This does NOT preclude rules around computers or chores. Those are separate issues, I think. But micromanaging homework and grade production is detrimental as our kids experience the hyper-stressful high school experience. They don't need to feel that they're failing to perform for their parents on top of all they experience in their teen years. The teen brain is fascinating stuff--I'm currently reading "Brainstorm: the Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain", which I highly recommend. We're working with probably the best child psychiatrist in the area for med management/occasional therapy for him--this echoes her belief system as well.

Anonymous wrote:I don't micromanage my kids' school work but if grades are falling and work isnt' getting done, they will have consequences. IMO, school is their job and I am their boss. If they can do quality work and get the results I expect, then I'll be as hands-off as I can. If they aren't getting is done, I will supervise more to the extent necessary. My job is to teach them good habits and to take responsibility and set priorities. They need guidance and structure to do that. Once they get it, I can back off again.

I agree with this. If my kid capable of getting all A's is getting some B's through lack of work, I would first try to help them get A's, and if they resisted, I would back off, but I would start making them do other things with their time -- the time they should be studying. Maybe that's a job, chores around the house, having to pay for their own things (so they have to have a job) -- basically, whatever it takes so that they are working at something, even if it is not school.

It's possible that instead of being lazy, he might be exhibiting signs of ADD. My son, who has ADD diagnosed at 6, has a friend who wasn't diagnosed until HS. He was getting straight As through middle school (ADD folks tend to be very bright and can get by on their smarts for a long time) but grades fell when the demands of HS classes (where, in the DC area, many classes resemble college level courses) became more pronounced. That's when the cerebral cortex (less developed in ADD brains) didn't kick in to help manage the higher-level challenges that HS brings. I'd have some compassion and seek help first to rule that out. It's common (and the description "lazy" is frequently used for ADD kids who simply have undeveloped frontal lobes).

Micromanaging my kid doesn’t work, because he just manages his time differently than I would. I check in about what work he has, ask for his plan to get it done, and push for changes if the plan is super unrealistic. So far that has worked ok, with a couple of frantic semi late nights in middle school when he realized a PowerPoint would take longer than an hour or whatever. Aside from shut off times that are set through parental control software, I don’t micromanage his screens.

However, if he totally bombed a test for lack of effort I would restrict screens as you have done, at least until the quarter grades were out and his scores were back up.

I’m not sure how I feel about demanding an A/B student get all A’s. My DS definitely doesn’t try his hardest in every class. I actually think this is wise. So much room for misplaced effort in college and beyond. It’s good to know how to manage your time and have balance. I’ve taught both college and graduate students and some of them have no idea where to focus their efforts to get the most important work done. Or even what the “most important” work is once you get to a point where the student is driving the ideas through independent study. Young professionals struggle with this as well. I don’t know. At some point the goal becomes the learning and the ideas, not making a grade.

To me, it's more than one test. It's his attitude. As a parent, you want to instill a good work ethic in your child. I think it's acceptable to help him address his issues surrounding his attitude and school work. How many times do you hear an adult say, "I wish my parents had pushed me more or helped me learn good study habits."

I think your first problem is that you say you know this kid is capable of straight As, but, you’ve just been letting him slide and get Bs. Bs are not “good grades” for a kid capable of more.

Both of my kids are straight A students, it’s what they are capable of and it’s what we expect. But, more than that, they expect it of themselves. You need to get him to that.

My mother backed off and my sibling was flunking and killed herself when the report cards came out. Your job is to be the parent and set reasonable expectations and back off as the child ages and shows maturity. You don’t have to micromanage but you do need to have expectations, just like you expect them to help out around the house. Not perfection, but effort.

This may be a bit sexist, but I would say be "hands off" with a DD but "hands on" with a DS. Too many young men are slacking off.

This was me, OP. Middle school and most of my classes were super easy for me but with subjects like Spanish I struggled because you actually had to study. My parents punished me and yelled at me and told me they expected straight A’s and it totally backfired. I just started hiding my grades from them because I had no idea how to study. I wish they had taken a more hands on approach and helped me learn study skills.

Our child’s learning disabilities didn’t show up until high school when the work got harder so I’d just make sure there isn’t something else going on with him.