Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Say your child is infatuated with an alcoholic, you ask a probing question and drop it?

I would say that if your child is infatuated with an alcoholic - they KNOW this already, and the fact that they are involved with this person says a lot about your child (the child you raised). You have finished raising this person and now can only listen and support- if asked. I do think probing questions could be useful when brought up at the right time- to feel things out. Also IME if you are involved with an alcoholic you are probably a heavy drinker yourself...most others would not tolerate it. At least in the beginning of a relationship...and most people don’t become alcoholics out of the blue, either.

All assuming we are discussing a financially independent adult child 25ish or older (not a college kid)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep and don't play the victim when you've been the one creating a hostile environment from day one.
Don't sit there and be nit picky and snippy and then turn around and cry to your child about how distant their wife/husband is.
No one wants to get picked apart and especially not by a MIL/FIL.

Yes so very much this! I’m floored by how many parents share negative opinions, then are surprised that:
(1) their child shares this with his/her spouse (even if they arguably shouldn’t)
(2) act shocked at the resulting strained relationship with SIL or DIL (snd often their own adult child, and grandkids)

Then instead of apologizing and clearing the air, the parents play victim..

So common.

+1

Or instead of being the bigger person, the parent bitches to their bridge club about imagined foibles regarding the DIL. The DIL is not stupid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Agree 100%. Mention it once (focusing on the ISSUES without criticizing the spouse as a person)- BEFORE the wedding, and ideally before the engagement. Your adult child will get the point. After that- drop it. The parents will be the ones who lose out every time.

Anonymous wrote:Yep and don't play the victim when you've been the one creating a hostile environment from day one.
Don't sit there and be nit picky and snippy and then turn around and cry to your child about how distant their wife/husband is.
No one wants to get picked apart and especially not by a MIL/FIL.

Yes so very much this! I’m floored by how many parents share negative opinions, then are surprised that:
(1) their child shares this with his/her spouse (even if they arguably shouldn’t)
(2) act shocked at the resulting strained relationship with SIL or DIL (snd often their own adult child, and grandkids)

Then instead of apologizing and clearing the air, the parents play victim..

So common.

Anonymous wrote:Two thoughts:

1. At most, every parent gets exactly one shot at sharing their negative opinion about someone's partner.
2. Know that the partner will be told, and that any exclusions of the parent based on that are a consequence, and you can't b!tch about it.

THIS

OP, some MIL's are petulant children, and were never good parents, to begin with. If the DIL is very different (or in my case, completely opposite) than the MIL - the MIL may take that as a personal affront, particularly if the MIL tends to be narcissistic. That, and there are some people you will never please, and that is okay.

Maybe you married a people pleaser, and MIL expected that people pleaser DH would marry someone more like her. Joke is on her!

But really, you don't have to kowtow to someone who is impossible. MIL is DH's job, not yours. MIL should be warm and welcoming, and set an example, as the elder of the family. If MIL can't act like an adult, you can't possibly adult for the two (three?) of you, she is asking too much. You owe her nothing, really.

I would feel differently if MIL was warm and welcoming, but I know who I am, I have manners, and I have nothing to prove. If MIL is threatened because you are different than her, that is on her to reconcile within herself, not you.

I come from a big, warm, close family that literally grew up together - we were not perfect, but I have no apologies for who I am - and I have not "done anything" to MIL, and she knows it. I have always worked hard for what I have. Truth is, MIL knows very little about me, after all these years. I have faced my share of inaccurate judgements from her and hers.

I would feel differently if MIL offered to help in her younger years, or whatever - but now, after her regular barbs, I am just not interested. DH has done more than enough for his family, and they only wanted more. I let DH do what he wants - or doesn't want - as he is a grown adult, and neither of us will be treated like children. It is difficult when you know that your MIL was an emotionally abusive and checked out parent, at best - and your DH had a terrible upbringing because of her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Say your child is infatuated with an alcoholic, you ask a probing question and drop it?

OP here. I agree this complicates things and I’m not sure what I’d do in that case.

I was more talking about the child’s spouse is simply not the parents type/not who they would choose, but no actual issues. In that case, get over it if you value your relationship with your child. My mom behaved this way for the 14 years I was married that she was alive (and she cast a dark cloud over my engagement period too.) Even now that she has passed away, I know my husband is still hurt and confused why she disliked him, because he is a pleaser and a generally likeable guy. He also comes from a large, close family that welcomes all inlaws with open arms.

How did your mom behave OP? I am not defending her in any way, but do want to say that liking or disling someone is a) a very primal emotion and b) it's difficult to hide. If she treated him poorly then that's no excuse. I know I am not my MIL's cup of tea but she treats me respectfully, and at the end of the day she is just like any other person, some like me and some don't.

To my spouse she was just distant and cool, and at times argumentative. She also deliberately praised my BIL in front of him. The bigger issue was to me - she constantly made comments to me criticizing him.

In the Bible it says to honor your father and mother. Why would you not honor them and marry someone they disapprove of ? By breaking one of the ten commandments you are setting yourself up to burn in hell

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Say your child is infatuated with an alcoholic, you ask a probing question and drop it?

OP here. I agree this complicates things and I’m not sure what I’d do in that case.

I was more talking about the child’s spouse is simply not the parents type/not who they would choose, but no actual issues. In that case, get over it if you value your relationship with your child. My mom behaved this way for the 14 years I was married that she was alive (and she cast a dark cloud over my engagement period too.) Even now that she has passed away, I know my husband is still hurt and confused why she disliked him, because he is a pleaser and a generally likeable guy. He also comes from a large, close family that welcomes all inlaws with open arms.

How did your mom behave OP? I am not defending her in any way, but do want to say that liking or disling someone is a) a very primal emotion and b) it's difficult to hide. If she treated him poorly then that's no excuse. I know I am not my MIL's cup of tea but she treats me respectfully, and at the end of the day she is just like any other person, some like me and some don't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Say your child is infatuated with an alcoholic, you ask a probing question and drop it?

OP here. I agree this complicates things and I’m not sure what I’d do in that case.

I was more talking about the child’s spouse is simply not the parents type/not who they would choose, but no actual issues. In that case, get over it if you value your relationship with your child. My mom behaved this way for the 14 years I was married that she was alive (and she cast a dark cloud over my engagement period too.) Even now that she has passed away, I know my husband is still hurt and confused why she disliked him, because he is a pleaser and a generally likeable guy. He also comes from a large, close family that welcomes all inlaws with open arms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parents made it abundantly clear that they thought my then-fiance (now husband) was a worthless piece of crap, THANK YOU!

OP here. And in my DH’s case, my mom also made it plain she DID like my sister’s husband, which only rubbed salt in the wound. It would have been easier somehow if she disliked them both.

Are you me? My mom lives with us and it's so blatantly obvious she hates my husband. She has from day 1. But she LOVES my sister's husband.

WOW! Imagine how that makes your husband feel in HIS own home. If he's not talking about, resentment is building up. What would you want him to do if the situation was reverse? Answer that question and do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Say your child is infatuated with an alcoholic, you ask a probing question and drop it?

The person in the relationship knows the relationship better than other people. When there are problems, your child certainly knows there are problems. He or she may disagree about the severity of the problems, how to solve them, or whether s/he has the strength to work on certain things/wishes to prioritize certain things.

People make changes in their lives because they want to. Something finally becomes enough of a problem for them and they're ready for a change. If you really believe that someone needs an outside intervention in order to motivate toward change, you've been watching too much television. If a parent repeatedly interferes with a child's adult relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, it will only alienate the parent from the adult child.

Anonymous wrote:Do they have good reason to hate the person? My husband's DIL is a nasty person. She treats her parents and us and his ex like dirt and everything is about money. We never speak badly but sometimes there is good reason.

That's just it: It doesn't matter if there is a reason or not. Appropriate adult boundaries dictate that you never get in the middle of someone else's relationship.

Now, if DiL does something unpleasant to you, you are certainly permitting to set your own boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. But that's different than complaining or undermining because you don't like someone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parents made it abundantly clear that they thought my then-fiance (now husband) was a worthless piece of crap, THANK YOU!

OP here. And in my DH’s case, my mom also made it plain she DID like my sister’s husband, which only rubbed salt in the wound. It would have been easier somehow if she disliked them both.

Are you me? My mom lives with us and it's so blatantly obvious she hates my husband. She has from day 1. But she LOVES my sister's husband.

Why doesn't she live with them instead?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Say your child is infatuated with an alcoholic, you ask a probing question and drop it?