Anonymous
10/15/2019 07:26
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to be sympathetic but I know six months from now, we are going to be in the exact same situation. That’s where we were six months ago. He hated his last job, said he needed to move on. Took a pay cut for this current job which he now wants to quit. If he leaves, it’s not going to be easy for him to get back into a job like he’s had. Then he’s really going to be stuck because there aren’t ample jobs in his field outside of working for the county. We have one car payment, we can cut our food budget but truly, there’s no where else to find money. We own our home and have a very reasonable mortgage payment, don’t take vacations. We have childcare expenses but those are fixed too. We have young children and if we are both working, we need childcare. So yes, we already live on a budget. We don’t live extravagant at all. I can see us cutting out maybe $5k a year but that doesn’t make up the rest.
So he already changed jobs and took a pay cut this year and now he wants to change again and take another pay cut.
Was he a Principal and moved down to something else and now he wants to be back in the classroom? How did he like the classroom? Is he in the admin side at a central location or is he at a school? Is he in public or private? What level? Is he on a 9, 10, 11 or 12 month contract?
Have you always made more money or just this year with the pay cut he took for the current job?
Anonymous
10/15/2019 07:20
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:I really don’t understand why all of you people think I have or grew up with money. There’s no trust fund. I paid for my own way in college, was raised by a single mom. That couldn’t be farther from my reality. Is it because I said I’m taking care of our household responsibilities. Well I do. I cook, clean (no maid because we can’t afford one), make and take our kids to all their appointments, find camp etc.. Those are domestic responsibilities which I do. So let my husband coast so he can come home with a clear mind and dinner on the table? Don’t we all wish life was that easy.
Op—- do you receive a 1099 or W2 at the end of the year for your work? What number is in box 1?
There is nothing wrong with being a SAHP as long as the working spouse is on board with it. It sounds like you DH has been the primary earner for a while. Why not reverse roles for a bit?
Anonymous
10/15/2019 07:14
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
What is your HHI? On the face of it, choosing to work at a less stressful job for less money is not an unreasonable thing to do - unless your income is very low, or he is saddled with significant debts.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 07:09
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
I’m not sure why all the replies are nastier than usual.
I’d set a strict budget around him not working and have him take 6 months and be a stay at home parent and finish his certificates. There will be money stress but I assume some costs (childcare) would go down. He can take over household management and you can continue to work. If he finds he misses work, then you work out a new budget with a target salary for him that he has to hit in order to go back to work.
Some people are jumpers and that is fine. It often leads to better salaries. If he’s jumping the wrong way though, then he needs to figure himself out and contribute to the family at the same time. Plenty of people do.
I’d set a strict budget around him not working and have him take 6 months and be a stay at home parent and finish his certificates. There will be money stress but I assume some costs (childcare) would go down. He can take over household management and you can continue to work. If he finds he misses work, then you work out a new budget with a target salary for him that he has to hit in order to go back to work.
Some people are jumpers and that is fine. It often leads to better salaries. If he’s jumping the wrong way though, then he needs to figure himself out and contribute to the family at the same time. Plenty of people do.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 07:03
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
I really don’t understand why all of you people think I have or grew up with money. There’s no trust fund. I paid for my own way in college, was raised by a single mom. That couldn’t be farther from my reality. Is it because I said I’m taking care of our household responsibilities. Well I do. I cook, clean (no maid because we can’t afford one), make and take our kids to all their appointments, find camp etc.. Those are domestic responsibilities which I do. So let my husband coast so he can come home with a clear mind and dinner on the table? Don’t we all wish life was that easy.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 06:46
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Call your parents in law. Maybe they can talk some sense into him.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 06:29
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:Do YOU work?
Some of you are so insensitive.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 06:22
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
I’m trying to be sympathetic but I know six months from now, we are going to be in the exact same situation. That’s where we were six months ago. He hated his last job, said he needed to move on. Took a pay cut for this current job which he now wants to quit. If he leaves, it’s not going to be easy for him to get back into a job like he’s had. Then he’s really going to be stuck because there aren’t ample jobs in his field outside of working for the county. We have one car payment, we can cut our food budget but truly, there’s no where else to find money. We own our home and have a very reasonable mortgage payment, don’t take vacations. We have childcare expenses but those are fixed too. We have young children and if we are both working, we need childcare. So yes, we already live on a budget. We don’t live extravagant at all. I can see us cutting out maybe $5k a year but that doesn’t make up the rest.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 06:16
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Sit down and do a budget with him.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 06:08
Subject: Re:DH wants less responsibility and less pay
It sounds like he struggles with anxiety, and that is a real condition, not just laziness or fragility. Respond with sympathy that he seems really anxious and could use to talk to a doctor or therapist about it. It’s probably true that no matter what job he has he will be overwhelmed, but this is not his fault — anxiety is a real condition of the brain. He is looking for an escape hatch because the condition is so distressing. But the correct first step is treating the anxiety and then the escape hatch might not be so necessary.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 05:49
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
You’d rather him be miserable and struggling everyday than accept that you need to budget? I can tell you as someone who was in a job that made me feel that way, the health issues and strain on my family were not worth it.
Anonymous
10/14/2019 22:24
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
I'd work out a budget where he'd be doing things to save this money. I mean, if it's affecting his mental health like he has an abusive workplace or whatever, then of course he should step down. But, otherwise how about you guys make a budget where he can do more batch cooking, cutting out any cleaning services, eliminating cab fees, cut aftercare costs, etc.
Anonymous
10/14/2019 22:12
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:But there’s no better quality of life. He’s getting less benefits, same workload? He also switched jobs within his department a year ago and took a pay cut. At the time he the same thing. It was better for him. A year later, he swore up and down his current role was going to be amazing and here we are. I support him leaning out for a better quality of life. I just don’t see this new job offering that.
You can’t mother him. Unless you work alongside him you have no idea what the dynamic is.
There have been countless threads about DW demoting or going part time and they receive universal acclaim.
This almost feels like a fake gender reversal troll, but most people are supporting your DH here so at least DCUM consistency.
What about just ANOTHER job. Give him six months to apply like mad for a lateral move and if no luck take demotion.
Anonymous
10/14/2019 22:01
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
But there’s no better quality of life. He’s getting less benefits, same workload? He also switched jobs within his department a year ago and took a pay cut. At the time he the same thing. It was better for him. A year later, he swore up and down his current role was going to be amazing and here we are. I support him leaning out for a better quality of life. I just don’t see this new job offering that.
Anonymous
10/14/2019 22:01
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.
So that means your HHI is, at least 160k or more. Are you so upset about going from 160+ to 140+ even if that means he can have the job he wants?