Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 10:39     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here is my (unpopular) opinion. It would be easier to push through more generous maternal leave policies if we weren't simultaneously also trying to push through ridiculous (IMO) paternal leave policies. Companies have only so much money/time off to give. It is a zero sum game. Men do not need 12+ weeks of paternity leave. Newsflash, men and women are different!


You understand that allotting all your zero-sum leave toward women perpetuates that women are the ones who have to sacrifice their career goals to provide childcare as a primary parent?


Most (if not all) of the men I know who take "paternity leave" do so concurrently with their wives. They have no interest in being the sole caretaker of the baby. Its just an extra long free vacation for them, and its costing companies time and resources that could go to women, which people on this board seem to think the women desperately need and I happen to agree.

We can say we think that women/men should get equal time 6, 9, 12+ months off but that is not realistic. We have to take baby steps.

To the adopting PP, yes I think adopting mothers should get the same time as mothers who gave birth. I personally think maternity leave is separate from "healing from childbirth" which in my case (and many cases) takes maybe a week, if that. Mothers have a different need to be with their babies than fathers do. Its just biological. I'm married to a wonderful man who is an involved father and a 50/50 partner. He took 2 weeks vacation with the birth of each of our children (he did not receive paternity leave either time) He helped me and hung out with the babies and then he went back to work. He was fine. And I was fine with him going back.

All this whining about paternity leave is hurting women. Sorry, its true.


No, your antiquated attitudes about who cares for children is hurting women. Sorry, it’s true.
The more men have paternity leave, the greater the gender equality in terms of pay. I would invite you to study up on places like Finland where there’s much less income inequality and women are in positions of power in much greater percentages. Men are granted up to 54 working days of paid paternity leave.
https://theculturetrip.com/europe/sweden/articles/the-5-countries-with-the-best-shared-parental-leave-policies/
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 10:28     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here is my (unpopular) opinion. It would be easier to push through more generous maternal leave policies if we weren't simultaneously also trying to push through ridiculous (IMO) paternal leave policies. Companies have only so much money/time off to give. It is a zero sum game. Men do not need 12+ weeks of paternity leave. Newsflash, men and women are different!


You understand that allotting all your zero-sum leave toward women perpetuates that women are the ones who have to sacrifice their career goals to provide childcare as a primary parent?


Most (if not all) of the men I know who take "paternity leave" do so concurrently with their wives. They have no interest in being the sole caretaker of the baby. Its just an extra long free vacation for them, and its costing companies time and resources that could go to women, which people on this board seem to think the women desperately need and I happen to agree.

We can say we think that women/men should get equal time 6, 9, 12+ months off but that is not realistic. We have to take baby steps.

To the adopting PP, yes I think adopting mothers should get the same time as mothers who gave birth. I personally think maternity leave is separate from "healing from childbirth" which in my case (and many cases) takes maybe a week, if that. Mothers have a different need to be with their babies than fathers do. Its just biological. I'm married to a wonderful man who is an involved father and a 50/50 partner. He took 2 weeks vacation with the birth of each of our children (he did not receive paternity leave either time) He helped me and hung out with the babies and then he went back to work. He was fine. And I was fine with him going back.

All this whining about paternity leave is hurting women. Sorry, its true.


Disagree, but dads need to step up. If my husband had more than a week it would’ve been game changing. I had a high needs baby and was going nuts by myself. I also felt like because dh wasn’t home with baby he became more hands off and deferred to me. But if he’s been home I’d have been more than happy to trade out and get some alone/free time, and let him figure it out I can see how if the mom was super controlling/stepped in constantly it could be like this but generally the point is to ensure dada do become hands on so the burden does not fall solely on mom when she goes back to work
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 10:23     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here is my (unpopular) opinion. It would be easier to push through more generous maternal leave policies if we weren't simultaneously also trying to push through ridiculous (IMO) paternal leave policies. Companies have only so much money/time off to give. It is a zero sum game. Men do not need 12+ weeks of paternity leave. Newsflash, men and women are different!


You understand that allotting all your zero-sum leave toward women perpetuates that women are the ones who have to sacrifice their career goals to provide childcare as a primary parent?


Most (if not all) of the men I know who take "paternity leave" do so concurrently with their wives. They have no interest in being the sole caretaker of the baby. Its just an extra long free vacation for them, and its costing companies time and resources that could go to women, which people on this board seem to think the women desperately need and I happen to agree.

We can say we think that women/men should get equal time 6, 9, 12+ months off but that is not realistic. We have to take baby steps.

To the adopting PP, yes I think adopting mothers should get the same time as mothers who gave birth. I personally think maternity leave is separate from "healing from childbirth" which in my case (and many cases) takes maybe a week, if that. Mothers have a different need to be with their babies than fathers do. Its just biological. I'm married to a wonderful man who is an involved father and a 50/50 partner. He took 2 weeks vacation with the birth of each of our children (he did not receive paternity leave either time) He helped me and hung out with the babies and then he went back to work. He was fine. And I was fine with him going back.

All this whining about paternity leave is hurting women. Sorry, its true.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 10:03     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:Here is my (unpopular) opinion. It would be easier to push through more generous maternal leave policies if we weren't simultaneously also trying to push through ridiculous (IMO) paternal leave policies. Companies have only so much money/time off to give. It is a zero sum game. Men do not need 12+ weeks of paternity leave. Newsflash, men and women are different!


You understand that allotting all your zero-sum leave toward women perpetuates that women are the ones who have to sacrifice their career goals to provide childcare as a primary parent?
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 10:02     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:Here is my (unpopular) opinion. It would be easier to push through more generous maternal leave policies if we weren't simultaneously also trying to push through ridiculous (IMO) paternal leave policies. Companies have only so much money/time off to give. It is a zero sum game. Men do not need 12+ weeks of paternity leave. Newsflash, men and women are different!


So what’s your take on an adoptive mother with a newborn? Would you be okay with her getting 12+ weeks of maternity leave? If so, please explain how that’s different from paternity leave. In both these case, neither parent needs time to heal from childbirth nor do they need time to establish a nursing schedule.

I await your response.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 10:02     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:Here is my (unpopular) opinion. It would be easier to push through more generous maternal leave policies if we weren't simultaneously also trying to push through ridiculous (IMO) paternal leave policies. Companies have only so much money/time off to give. It is a zero sum game. Men do not need 12+ weeks of paternity leave. Newsflash, men and women are different![/quote


So what’s your take on an adoptive mother with a newborn? Would you be okay with her getting 12+ weeks of maternity leave? If so, please explain how that’s different from paternity leave. In both these case, neither parent needs time to heal from childbirth nor do they need time to establish a nursing schedule.

I await your response.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:58     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:Here is my (unpopular) opinion. It would be easier to push through more generous maternal leave policies if we weren't simultaneously also trying to push through ridiculous (IMO) paternal leave policies. Companies have only so much money/time off to give. It is a zero sum game. Men do not need 12+ weeks of paternity leave. Newsflash, men and women are different!


And yet most European countries legally require maternity and paternity leave for longer then 12 weeks.

So yeah, it is possible but the US some how or another thinks the world would fall apart if we allow for a reasonable paid maternity or paternity policy.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:38     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Here is my (unpopular) opinion. It would be easier to push through more generous maternal leave policies if we weren't simultaneously also trying to push through ridiculous (IMO) paternal leave policies. Companies have only so much money/time off to give. It is a zero sum game. Men do not need 12+ weeks of paternity leave. Newsflash, men and women are different!
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:33     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)

6 weeks of leave is barbaric. Go ahead and apply for FMLA, just so you have time to decide. But considering you have the means to quit, I wouldn’t stay at this job unless you could take 6 months of leave.

The U.S. is so backwards sometimes. I really wish we didn’t lag so far behind the developed world.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:30     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you take unpaid leave to extend to 12 or 16 weeks? What is your childcare plan for next week?

This. Have your doctor sign off on FMLA. You get 12 weeks by law.


(Unpaid)

Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:29     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
If you want to stay with your baby stay. 6 weeks is a critical time for attachment, feeding, sleeping, birth recovery.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:28     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you take unpaid leave to extend to 12 or 16 weeks? What is your childcare plan for next week?

This. Have your doctor sign off on FMLA. You get 12 weeks by law.


THIS don't make a decision at 6 weeks. Take 12 weeks and then you will know what is right for you.


But it totally sucks for her boss that she didn't give him/her some sort of heads up. If OP isn't a troll, she seems flaky.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:27     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you take unpaid leave to extend to 12 or 16 weeks? What is your childcare plan for next week?

This. Have your doctor sign off on FMLA. You get 12 weeks by law.


THIS don't make a decision at 6 weeks. Take 12 weeks and then you will know what is right for you.


Just for the record not everyone is eligible for FMLA protections - employers who employ less than 50 people are not required to comply and you must be in your position for a year and worked a minimum amount of hours. Yes OP should look into this but let's not assume everyone has this choice. Though I think with OPs financial means she actually does have some flexibility to negotiate either way - but many people do not as they rely on their income and job security in a very real way.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:25     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:6 weeks is ridiculous OP. You should have planned better. Now, either your baby is in a bad situation. I suggest you get a nanny so at least your kid won’t be subjected to daycare this young (and I’m a daycare mom).


And that should say - either your baby or your boss is in a bad situation


Your privilege is showing. Many of us go back to work after 6 weeks. My mom and MIL each spent a week with the baby, then baby started daycare at 9 weeks. Ideal? No. Is he fine? Absolutely. Healthy and happy and thriving 6 yo now.



This is harsh but you shouldn’t have a child if you have to return to work at six weeks. We don’t have paid leave in this country because women continue to have children under abysmal conditions.



No, we don't have paid leave in this country because the vast majority of the decision makers are men, many of whom have wives who stay home. They are out of touch and don't care. I will agree that the maternity/parental leave policies in this country are abysmal for most people.

I also went back at 6 weeks. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. 6 weeks was all the paid leave (and even at that, it was only at 60% pay) that I received. My company's leave accrual policies at that time were such that I could not have more than an additional 40 hours built up (I elected to save that time, knowing I would need it for pediatrician's visits and days off of daycare), and we aren't offered sick leave. I could have gone unpaid FMLA until 12 weeks, but I elected not to do so and, by the time I realized what a burden returning to work so early would be on me, it was too late to change my mind. Trust that if I ever have the opportunity to have another child, I'll make a different decision.

Baby was fine. She didn't start daycare until 12 weeks (my MIL and my mother took turns watching her for us from 6-12 weeks). I, on the other hand, was a complete disaster. How I held it together enough to function at work amazes me, but LOTS of women return to work at 6 weeks, or even earlier. LOTS.

Anonymous
Post 10/07/2019 09:25     Subject: Help me decide if I should stay at home or go back to work (baby is 6 weeks old)
I personally think all women who have the financial means to do so should stay at home at least for a year or two.

I am aware my opinion is not "cool" these days.