Anonymous
Post 10/05/2019 06:42     Subject: Re:Leaving kid overnight for first time
I’m sorry, OP, but I do think you have big issues. You need to own your role in the co-sleeping. You’re letting it happen, so take responsibility for it. And you also need to own the fact that your child has no relationship with her dad. You say it’s all his fault but it sounds like you’ve done nothing but enable this behavior. Are you one of those people who really likes to be needed? I literally couldn’t believe your post as I was reading it. You have created an incredibly weird dynamic in your house where you have set yourself up as your daughter’s protector (against her own dad!), and you sound like you have sky-high anxiety, which is clearly manifesting itself in your daughter as well. I sincerely hope that things get better for you, because the situation you have gone on is not at all healthy for you or your daughter.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 23:58     Subject: Re:Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your concerns are valid.

Can you try to have DH and/or nanny start putting her to bed before you actually go? I think your DD will handle it better when you are gone if she gets a few try outs when you are there. DH may also do better once you are away if he gets to do it a few times before you actually leave.

Additionally, talk to your daughter repeatedly about the trip and tell her about all the things that will different including her bedtime routine. That should help her anticipate the change before it happens.

Everything will be fine, OP.


+1 hand the reins over to DH several weeks before you go, at minimum. Start doing nights out where he puts her down. At this age she is old enough to find her own coping mechanisms or a special toy or body pillow/ bolster etc. it actually will help her to realize she can handle being without you. If you are in town it makes it easier to start the process in a planned way.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 23:05     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
By 4.5 she should be better at this. Leave her a short of yours to wear as pajamas, tell her she’s a big girl, kiss her and say you’ll be back in two days.

And work on the co-sleeping and dependence thing. I think part of your DH’s issue is he’d like to have some of his wife’s attention back. You and DD are the family and he merely orbits both of you.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 22:35     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
You both need to let go.

And nix the co-sleeping.

Your relationship is co-dependent and unhealthy.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 21:08     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Read “how not to hate your husband after kids.”
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 19:47     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you have “issues” or that it “will be good for everyone” to leave her, but I think leaving her home is the most practical option.
I had never spent a single night away from my co-sleeping son and left him for almost a week when he was 3.75 years old for an optional work trip. It wasn’t the easiest for my son & husband (or me), but it wasn’t traumatic either.


Haha, thanks! I'm pretty sure I don't have issues either. Thanks for sharing your experience! A week sounds long, but after the first couple nights, your son (and husband) I'm guessing got used to it. I know DD won't be traumatized from two nights' separation, I know it's my guilt talking.


OP I don’t think you have issues either, I think like you said above this angst is resulting from bigger issues with your relationship with your husband. It sounds really hard and I don’t think you’re being a martyr. It honestly sounds like your husband chooses not to be an active partner in your child’s life and you’re probably doing the best you can to pick up the pieces left behind. Somehow we always find a way to blame the woman/mom when men choose to be shi**y. I think what everyone is saying is valid in a lot of cases and yes, many women do end up taking on more and then the imbalance just gets worse and worse but this sounds more like an active issue in your relationship and in choices he has made. Anyway I’m sorry and can understand in the situation why it would cause you angst for sure. But as you’ve noted, I don’t think it’s practical or the best decision to bring her.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 18:40     Subject: Re:Leaving kid overnight for first time
OP, I think your concerns are valid.

Can you try to have DH and/or nanny start putting her to bed before you actually go? I think your DD will handle it better when you are gone if she gets a few try outs when you are there. DH may also do better once you are away if he gets to do it a few times before you actually leave.

Additionally, talk to your daughter repeatedly about the trip and tell her about all the things that will different including her bedtime routine. That should help her anticipate the change before it happens.

Everything will be fine, OP.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 17:53     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to own that the co-sleeping is your choice. She will be fine without you, but it is time to stop thinking of yourself as such a savior and refuge for her. Let her grow up a little. She is going to kindergarten soon, and so on. You don't have an infant. She will be fine with her father. Do not drag her on two cross-country flights due to your own martyrdom!


Co-sleeping isn't the issue, I'd be concerned if she were sleeping in her own room, too. But thanks for the laugh, your response makes me seem very dramatic - savior/refuge/martyr - but I definitely am not these things or see myself as such!


It most definitively is one issue Bc you said she freaks out if the nanny has to put her to bed. You also said she doesn’t sleep as well when she co sleeps with her Dad. You have set it up so she has to do sleep with you, which is one of the reasons you are worried about leaving her overnight. If she slept in her own bed in her own room, anyone could successfully put her to bed.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 17:20     Subject: Re:Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a very caring and kind person. This would be a better world if all moms (and dads) cared for their kids as much as you do.


No it wouldn't. We'd have a bunch of kids that become codependent adults that can't do anything for themselves and have zero resilience. Oh wait...
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 17:15     Subject: Re:Leaving kid overnight for first time
OP, you sound like a very caring and kind person. This would be a better world if all moms (and dads) cared for their kids as much as you do.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 16:10     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:You need to own that the co-sleeping is your choice. She will be fine without you, but it is time to stop thinking of yourself as such a savior and refuge for her. Let her grow up a little. She is going to kindergarten soon, and so on. You don't have an infant. She will be fine with her father. Do not drag her on two cross-country flights due to your own martyrdom!


Co-sleeping isn't the issue, I'd be concerned if she were sleeping in her own room, too. But thanks for the laugh, your response makes me seem very dramatic - savior/refuge/martyr - but I definitely am not these things or see myself as such!
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 16:07     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you have “issues” or that it “will be good for everyone” to leave her, but I think leaving her home is the most practical option.
I had never spent a single night away from my co-sleeping son and left him for almost a week when he was 3.75 years old for an optional work trip. It wasn’t the easiest for my son & husband (or me), but it wasn’t traumatic either.


Haha, thanks! I'm pretty sure I don't have issues either. Thanks for sharing your experience! A week sounds long, but after the first couple nights, your son (and husband) I'm guessing got used to it. I know DD won't be traumatized from two nights' separation, I know it's my guilt talking.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 16:04     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't take her. Let this be an opportunity for her and your DH to bond. She will be fine!! I promise!


I hope so. DH rarely spends time with DD one on one (again, a whole other story) and NEVER does bedtime. He also can have a bad attitude and lack of patience when it comes to taking care of DD. It's mostly expressed to me, but I worry that spending several hours with her one on one when he's not used to it will drive him to the hilt.


Patience with children and being able to bond with them takes practice and time. I think a lot of mothers fall into this habit of protecting kids and dads from each other in a weird way. Like shielding the kids from dad's irritation and shielding dad from their irritating behavior in order to keep the peace.

But part of growing up and having relationships with the people in your family and with all the other people you meet along the way is learning if your behavior annoys people and working through that, and also learning if you're overreacting to something and figuring out how to manage that.

Think of it like parents that let their college kids move home for 10 years and never make them uncomfortable by forcing them to get a job or pay rent. You're not helping the kid by doing that. If you never force DH and DD to figure out how to interact with each other by always being there to referee, you aren't helping either of them. They'll never learn because they don't have to. In the long run it's depriving them of a more intimate relationship with one another, even if it is easier in the short run.


To you and PP 13:57. Believe me, I don't want to always be there with DD & DH! DH used to help with bathtime and other childcare duties, but because he would complain about it so much, I just let him off the hook one by one duty. He also used to spend one on one time with DD, but because I asked him to and not because he values it. His work got busy on the weekends, he stopped one on one time and never started again. DD had a much better bond with DH back then and it bothers me that DH doesn't recognize this nor want to start it up again. Nanny and DD do have a great bond for which I'm very grateful, but DD, like a lot of kids, differentiates between nanny (no matter how much she loves her) and her parents.

Having said that, I do think it's good for DD and DH to spend one on one time together, albeit forced on him. Maybe he'll see it's not so bad and start it up again (I say hopefully yet skeptically).


So I'm not trying to be harsh or anything but it sounds like you're doing exactly what I said. Protecting DD and DH from each other. Or perhaps protecting yourself from having to listen to DH complain.

But instead of hearing him complain and taking it up with him to adjust his behavior, you just started to let him off the hook and take them on yourself. So he has learned that if he doesn't like something about child rearing and whines you will just do it. And DD has learned that DH has the option (and is exercising it) to just have a less close relationship with her.

In the short term it will be harder to get on DH and force him to take those duties back on. But in the long run, better for EVERYONE.

I hope you enjoy your trip! And if DH and DD are completely miserable and complain the whole time you're gone I would argue that is evidence that you need to do it MORE frequently not less.


I completely hear you. DH and I don't have the healthiest relationship and his complaining/not ideal relationship with DD are just one aspect. We have much bigger issues than this, sadly. Otherwise, I would totally hold him to being a better father and husband and not let him off the hook.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 15:05     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
You need to own that the co-sleeping is your choice. She will be fine without you, but it is time to stop thinking of yourself as such a savior and refuge for her. Let her grow up a little. She is going to kindergarten soon, and so on. You don't have an infant. She will be fine with her father. Do not drag her on two cross-country flights due to your own martyrdom!
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2019 14:40     Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
I don’t think you have “issues” or that it “will be good for everyone” to leave her, but I think leaving her home is the most practical option.
I had never spent a single night away from my co-sleeping son and left him for almost a week when he was 3.75 years old for an optional work trip. It wasn’t the easiest for my son & husband (or me), but it wasn’t traumatic either.