Immediate PP. Editing to add: it's also not appropriate to cast a moral judgment on OP's DH's reluctance to commit to baby #4. Whether or not he used condoms. This is too important a decision to try to force it on one person who's reluctant to have another child, no matter what their respective roles were in using birth control.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your dh doesn’t want more kids why hasn’t he gotten a vasectomy?

also no response re: were they using birth control?

Why does this matter? I got pregnant on birth control used correctly (diaphragm plus jelly). I know other women who did as well. I know other women who, like certain PP, had had fertility issues so assumed birth control wasn't necessary. In one memorable example, my parents had some younger friends who had triplets with IVF after struggling with infertility for years. Then a year or so later, boom, bonus baby #4 -- I guess the pump had been primed.

But even if OP and her DH weren't using birth control for reasons of their own, that's 100% irrelevant to her decision now.

It sounds like you're asking a nosy, prying question that is absolutely none of your business so you can pass judgment on OP and determine whether -- in your moral view -- she's entitled to an abortion or not. If that's the case, you would benefit from turning that judgmental eye inwards. Whether or not it's your particular faith, let he who is without sin cast the first stone has always rung true to me despite my avowed atheism.

I would give yourself a period of time (a week? two weeks?) to think about it and get to a place where you know in your heart what you want to do. It’s not unlikely you’ll miscarry but if you decide for sure you don’t want to continue the pregnancy you can’t risk waiting to see what happens. If you do decide to have an early abortion, there’s a different procedure (not a d&c) that can be done under local anesthetic. Or you could ask about a medical (pill) termination. Wishing you the best.

Anonymous wrote:If your dh doesn’t want more kids why hasn’t he gotten a vasectomy?

+1

OP whether you miscarry, terminate, or carry to term -- your DH needs to get snipped.

Anonymous wrote:If your dh doesn’t want more kids why hasn’t he gotten a vasectomy?

also no response re: were they using birth control?

^^couldn't, not could.

Haven't been in your shoes, but I could imagine a pregnancy at 43. My second one at 37/38 was incredibly physically difficult and then I developed life-threatening complications to boot.

I had my tubes tied during the c-section.

TBH, with a husband not on board I'd look into RU-486 at this early stage.

If your dh doesn’t want more kids why hasn’t he gotten a vasectomy?

I got pregnant at 44, by then my children were full-grown adults.
(My youngest was 21.)

I was tired.
Raising two kids alone was the toughest thing I have ever endured.
The taste of freedom was the best. thing. ever.

I was going to have an abortion, but my body terminated the pregnancy on its own.
Yes - I had a miscarriage before six weeks.
It was a relief at the time because I felt I had just entered the best stage of my life.
My child rearing years were just done.

You likely will miscarry due to your age.
If you do not, your pregnancy will be in the high risk zone.
You may not carry to term, you may have a baby w/a low birthweight or you may give birth to a child w/birth defects or Down Syndrome.

Is it worth the risk to you?
Also, you will have to sign up for an add’l eighteen plus years of child rearing and will unlikely be able to travel post-kids due to age + finances.

You casually mentioned in a second post that your husband would need to postpone retirement by 6 years?? That is huge....

Anonymous wrote:OP I had twins at 44. It’s very hard. I have relatively easy children and it’s still hard. The younger years are actually easier. When they are teens it is very hard. And paying for college in your mid 60s is no joke.

Do you think it would have been easier to pay for college in your 50’s? Your 40’s? Where is this magical land where having LESS time to save is a good thing?

Had son At 43, not expected. First child six years older so they didn’t play together and son has some challenges. We divorced over disagreement over how to raise the younger child among other things. Was not easy. But life is richer with son in it.

I was 43 and in your situation. I got an abortion.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you so much to the PP’s. 17:44, thank you for your honesty. Will I resent DH for not supporting my desire to have another child? Will he resent me for forcing him? He is a few years older and sees a 6 year postponement of retirement. How will this impact my other kids’ futures, namely how much they will have to spend on college? I think the selfish thing feels like continuing the pregnancy. I am torn. I remain pro-choice because no one enters this decision lightly. I can’t even imagine how a teenager grapples with these questions. I really appreciate the long term way of viewing this situation.

Why would you say the selfish thing is to continue the pregnancy? That statement gives me pause because it makes me think you are blaming yourself for the pregnancy. If that is the case, will you blame yourself if you terminate too?

I had my 2nd at 43; I’m 56 and he is 13. An older sibling is a senior in HS. It is exhausting but it’s typical parenthood - the highs are high and the lows are low.

It killed me how positive everyone is for you to take on a large serious and very long term expensive project with 3 kids already