OP here. Thanks for the responses, very helpful. Agree that more external pressure will only invite possible rebellion. Trying to make sure we praise diligence, effort and honesty/character more than just grades. It dawned on me while reading your responses that if he discovers a passion or interest in a field, that’s a great way to focus on making sure not to sabotage by settling for mediocre grades.

FYI- we work hard, yes we read, and celebrate our professional successes. We both have masters degrees, take the kids to reunions and gatherings with old college friends. Our kids are surrounded by great role models, close family members & friends with fulfilling, successful professional careers in a wide variety of industries. We talk with the kids about current events, politics, sports, funny stories about family and friends, always trying to maintain a close connection- even as they push away during teen years, and often want to be left alone with friends or alone in their rooms at times.
Phew! Parenting this age is so much harder than I expected- trying to avoid too much pressure/ helicoptering but not allowing them to completely go free range!

I never reached that stage in high school. I always did the minimum I could get away with which got me mostly B's with a few A's in easy subjects. In college I put in slightly more effort in subjects I cared about. Now I'm doing just fine in my career. I could probably be more successful/earn more if I put in more effort, but am happy working my 40 hours a week and not killing myself or stressing myself out.

Honestly, I didn’t reach that stage until late in college. Hoping my kids are better.

Anonymous wrote:One of mine is intrinsically motivated and, if anything, I have to encourage her to lighten up. She's like I was in school.

The other is a junior and became a focused student in sophomore year. I don't know that he cares "more" about his doing well than I do but he cares as much as I do LOL For him a few things turned the tide... 1) ADHD was diagnosed in freshman year and medication helped him finally feel calm and focused at school 2) exec function and writing tutoring built his confidence 3) success in math class and the results of neuro-psych assessment that showed he had super-high scores in math aptitude gave him a focus for the future - he decided he wants to major in math or statistics.

While treating the ADHD was certainly a big part of it, I think that identification of something he could focus on for college helped make college more real to him, rather than this amorphous/scary thing that he had to figure out. So, there was a concrete reason to do well in school. Last summer he did a short college summer program focused on data analysis which gave him a bit of a taste of life on a college campus and that helped too.

Both of my boys are like this. Anything less than an A is failure to them. I am the farthest thing from a tiger mom.

I had never even checked parentvue.

Anonymous wrote:Junior year for DD and she has severe adhd. It is like something just clicked! Praise the lord! DS always cared, but he has insane anxiety, so I wish he cared less and had more fun.

Same but without the clicking. What did you do that helped?

It is happening for my sophomore in college right now.

He got good grades because we insisted. He's a great kid who did his work because he was told to (we meaning teachers and parents). This is despite seeing us work hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. He would see us reading at night and he knew that his "job" was to do well in school....

BTW: The heavens hear it when you credit all your children's successes and good characteristics to your fantastic parenting.

In 6th and 7th grade our son was absolutely unwilling to do more than necessary to get Bs, and thought we were crazy to say he should be working for As—he’s bright and not lazy, but thought school was boring. Over the summer before 8th grade an older kid who was a star athlete at a sports camp he attended told him he was was talented enough to have his pick of most D1 schools if he had a great GPA. He got all As until he committed, then went back to mostly Bs.

Our school helps immensely. The kids start meeting with the college counselor in 9th grade. The middle schoolers see the older girls working hard and get feedback from them to pay attention to their grades and work hard. They reinforce what our daughter hears at home.

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

I have 14 y.o. twins. We work hard, we celebrate our professional successes. We only watch TV as a family on one weekend night - old episodes of "Office" or "Park and Rec". Seems all DH and I do is read when not caring for family, ferrying to sports, working, etc. One twin has similar intrinsic motivation as parents and the other just frittered away the whole weekend. Not as straightforward as you believe.

Happened for my kids in 10th grade. It just all clicked.

Different for each kid.

For oldest DD, it was always there. For oldest DS, it happened after winter break his 9th grade year. For younger DS, it happened a few weeks into his 9th grade year.

Oldest DS is the one who drove me crazy. So many instances of doing the work and forgetting to turn it in (both in person and digitally). Lots of leaving projects and papers until the night before. He excels under pressure, though. He could start a 10-page paper the night before and produce A+ work, no problem, and make it to bed before 2 am. What got him to change his ways was seeing how missing those grades for little assignments brought down his overall average. That's what he got more serious.

My oldest is a college sophomore. I still think I care more about his education than him. I think he's in college because he feels it's what he's supposed to do. His grades are fine and he isn't a horrible student, but he's really smart and could be a straight-A student if he cared enough to really apply himself and go the extra mile. He does just enough to maintain average grades.

I also have a 9th grader and he's even less internally motivated as my college kid. But he also has ADHD and I suspect some other issues that are having a huge effect on school.

I think my DS studied for an average of 3 or 4 tests and quizzes per year throughout HS. If homework was optional, he didn't do it. if his friends took 4 AP classes, he took 2. If there was an extra credit opportunity, he ignored it. But he never got Cs as final grades and somehow got more As than Bs. I probably would have gotten a little twitchy if he had been heading for B-/C+ grades. It probably helped that he did not take the most rigorous classes in his least favorite subjects.

I think he felt more pressure to pay attention to his GPA and put in a bit more effort as high school progressed, but working up to his full potential was pretty much out of the question unless he really liked a class. The only classes he liked over four years were AP Psych, AP Physics, and his music classes.

I don't think I ever became very intrinsically motivated to really care about school. I have always been someone who works really hard when I am passionate / invested but in other areas i just do enough to get the job done. That was school for me. I got the grades needed to go to college. Ended up later doing a masters degree. Put in enough effort to be successful but I never cared about getting As. That wasn't a priority for me. I have been successfully employed and have a good life - all without ever being overly focused on success. To me, academic achievement was never my sole priority. I cared about many other aspects of what makes a happy and healthy life and still do. I am mid 40s and it hasn't backfired yet.

Anonymous wrote:

My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

oh aren't you special

Seriously.

Newsflash, sanctimommy PP: You can watch TV and still be motivated and intellectual. TV is just a medium, like books, radio, music, etc. If you're reading some trashy romance novel, but I'm watching Mad Men and discussing with my kid the politics of the 1960s or watching West Wing with them and having conversations about how the government works, who's spending their time better, from the standpoint of demonstrating an intellectually curious household?

See how that works?