Anonymous
09/27/2019 09:06
Subject: s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
We don't have family in the area, and yes, it's a blend of doing it yourself/making friends. These friends might not be the funnest to hang out with or most impressive, but they are reliable, and we are fully committed to also be reliable for them, when they need something. It's just a different approach to friendship than what we had in our 20s, when friends were for dishing about guys and going out dancing.
And it doesn't have to be a friendship that goes back years. You can always find another pregnant mom in a similar situation, that can be your go-to person. The key is to find people who are also needing a village. It's a little quid pro quo, but it's practical and it works. And when an acquaintance dropped off her 3 year old to go give birth to their sibling, I felt good about being there for her.
And it doesn't have to be a friendship that goes back years. You can always find another pregnant mom in a similar situation, that can be your go-to person. The key is to find people who are also needing a village. It's a little quid pro quo, but it's practical and it works. And when an acquaintance dropped off her 3 year old to go give birth to their sibling, I felt good about being there for her.
Anonymous
09/27/2019 08:30
Subject: s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
What would you like, OP? Where abouts do you live and which hospital are you using?
Anonymous
09/27/2019 08:08
Subject: s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
There are people who provide emergency only care for a price, of course. Interview a few. You only need help with your children for a day or two.
Anonymous
09/27/2019 08:03
Subject: Re:s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
For Pete's sake. The OP is not talking about making friends who can be at her birth. She's talking about making friends who she and her DH can call on to watch the kids so DH is by her side at the birth.
OP, the people I know who have no nearby family either spend $$ to hire nannies and sitters, or they exert a lot of energy cultivating friendships with people. It's hard to do that as an adult, and even harder if you're not an extrovert. You have to be open and authentic with people as well as generous with your own time and resources - help others and they will be willing to help you. I'm very introverted so I struggle with this, but my DH is extroverted so that helps a lot.
OP, the people I know who have no nearby family either spend $$ to hire nannies and sitters, or they exert a lot of energy cultivating friendships with people. It's hard to do that as an adult, and even harder if you're not an extrovert. You have to be open and authentic with people as well as generous with your own time and resources - help others and they will be willing to help you. I'm very introverted so I struggle with this, but my DH is extroverted so that helps a lot.
Anonymous
09/26/2019 14:17
Subject: Re:s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
You can give birth alone. Plenty of women do it without any help.
Anonymous
09/26/2019 14:14
Subject: Re:s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
Lots of people don’t have family close. Many friends have family fly in, even from Asia and Europe.
I have 3 kids and laboring alone doesn’t really seem all that bad now that I’ve done it 3 times. My older kids were in school when I went to labor early. My husband was working and almost missed the birth. Our friends picked up our kids from school and kids had a sleepover. It was my second child’s first sleepover.
You can have a paid village if you don’t have family or friends.
I’ve heard of several stories where baby came so fast that mom gave birth alone before dad could get to hospital. Our one friend had a third child in her bathroom. She was waiting for local grandparents to come in middle of the night and baby came too fast.
I have 3 kids and laboring alone doesn’t really seem all that bad now that I’ve done it 3 times. My older kids were in school when I went to labor early. My husband was working and almost missed the birth. Our friends picked up our kids from school and kids had a sleepover. It was my second child’s first sleepover.
You can have a paid village if you don’t have family or friends.
I’ve heard of several stories where baby came so fast that mom gave birth alone before dad could get to hospital. Our one friend had a third child in her bathroom. She was waiting for local grandparents to come in middle of the night and baby came too fast.
Anonymous
09/26/2019 12:28
Subject: Re:s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
I have no nearby family, and we built a village. I also, am not super friendly (introvert) with neighbors.
Having said that, if a neighbor rushed over and said "Hi, I'm Sara and live across the street - my husband is getting taken by ambulance to the hospital ..." I would immediately just get over myself and say "What can I do to help?" and if that meant her 3 kids who I'd never met before slept over, then that's what we'd do.
I just don't want to make small talk with Sara every morning at the bus stop. I feel like I've been "friendly enough" if I see someone I know and smile at them.
Having said that, if a neighbor rushed over and said "Hi, I'm Sara and live across the street - my husband is getting taken by ambulance to the hospital ..." I would immediately just get over myself and say "What can I do to help?" and if that meant her 3 kids who I'd never met before slept over, then that's what we'd do.
I just don't want to make small talk with Sara every morning at the bus stop. I feel like I've been "friendly enough" if I see someone I know and smile at them.
Anonymous
09/26/2019 11:15
Subject: Re:s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
Anonymous wrote:We found our village when our child was about 4 and we could schedule more play dates. We did not have a lot of help during the baby/toddler years. We were just fine and so was our son. DS is in second grade now and we have 4-5 families that I would call for help in a heart beat. Neither one of us is a huge joiner or are overly religious so we had not built a huge community. We had some friends from softball that I am pretty sure would have been there if I had put out a call for help but we never tested that.
If there had been a serious problem when DS was a baby/toddler, his Grandparents would have come to help. This is less of an option now as one is no longer able to travel easily and one passed away. But now we have the group of people from Cub Scouts and other kids he has made friends with. We have a group that goes camping together and a good number of fall back positions.
This is 100% us. My daughter is now 3.5 and we are juuuuust starting to see a village forming as she starts to make closer friends in daycare. First 3 years have been tough though - no family nearby and two kids. But we have a wonderful nanny who we love and it's starting to improve. Glad it sounds like it'll get easier...
Anonymous
09/26/2019 10:56
Subject: s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
Anonymous wrote:Yeah. The only solution is to buy a village...
Or move.
Lately the later is looking more and more attractive.
I think society is shifting and this is not unique to DC. Unless you are moving "home" to family, I don't think it will help.
Anonymous
09/26/2019 10:48
Subject: s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So there are frequently threads like the current one running about giving birth alone and how do people manage when there are no relatives nearby. The standard DCUM answer is you have to build your village. Yet right now there are also threads running about neighbors who don't want to have ANY interaction or people who refuse to chitchat at the bus stop. So how exactly are you supposed to build your network if neighbors don't want to engage and neither do parents of kids at your school or anyone else you frequently find yourself in proximity with? Asking for a friend...
Take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself why nobody wants to interact with you? We are friendly with a few neighbors but in a thousand years i would never want or ask them to attend my birth. what purpose would they have there? tell me to push, push? take photos? seriously?
If you feel someone other than you needs to advocate for you - hire a doula.
I don't think OP (and the OP of the other thread that this spun off of) is wanting some random friend/neighbor at the birth. If I remember correctly, the original thread was about OP needing to labor/deliver alone, because her DH would need to stay home with their 2 older children.
Our DD is nearly 4. We moved to a community 2 years ago that seemed to be full of families with preschool/elementary age children, only to discover that most of the families are very insular. There's little to no actual socializing amongst neighbors, even with those who have children the same age. Everyone is involved in their own activities/jobs/lives/whatever. The two families we were close to in the neighborhood have both recently relocated out of the area. I have exactly one local friend I could call on and trust enough to watch my child in an emergency, and we have a babysitter we've used on occasion who might be available in a pinch. I get where the OP is coming from with this. I think it would be easier to build a village if I was a SAHM, but I'm not, so there's that complication, too.
I get it too. Both DH and I are rather introverted (him especially) and many of my friends have moved in recent years (either further out to exurbs or out of area completely). So I feel like I'm constantly trying to re-build a network and it's exhausting. Our neighbors are nice but they all have their own "stuff" going on- e.g., one cares for elderly mom, one has a SN kid, a couple other houses are rentals so it's a revolving door of renters who we never really get to know. Luckily by the time I was pregnant with #2 our oldest had been at the same daycare for over two years and we had gotten to know a couple of the other families. DS was comfortable with both the kids and parents so it made sense to have them on our list to call if needed. I was nervous to ask but they were happy to help (or at least they said they were- ha!). We ended up having to call one of them in the middle of the night and they kept our kid most of the next day until my parents arrived.
Anonymous
09/26/2019 10:39
Subject: Re:s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
I was in your situation 2 years ago. I have an older child and no "village" here either. My mom came from Asia to help but there was always a question of what if I delivered before she gets here. We decided that we would have all gone to the hospital. We don't have anyone we see regularly enough to send my daughter over. It would not have been ideal to bring a 2.5 year old to the hospital but we don't feel that we have a choice. I am also not on who wants to deliver without my husband or mom around.