Read “siblings without rivalry”. My kids have reached a point where they can effectively communicate through issues very well, at least with each other. Not always, but most of the time. It’s not a quick fix but it has really good guides for teaching them how to work through conflict without parental input, which is what they need to do in other areas of life. It also points out that you intervening and solving the problems for the kids is creating hostility and worsening the problem. They need to work through it themselves. And they can if you teach them how.

Not much can be done until they outgrow that phase, for my girls, it is when the younger one is 9, my older one is very immature with low EQ and anxiety...

Time for a spanking!

Let me try:

We have tried separating them, offering and doing 1:1 activities with each of them (preplanned, not as a reward) but then the second they are together again it is just not stopped.

We separate in our house -- not because it helps with the fighting when they're together, but because there is no fighting when they're not. I enjoy my time with each of my kids 1:1 and connect with them. It may not help the fighting, but it's good for the family overall when they have some time apart.

Larla might say "I like that blue pillow". Larlo says "its not blue its tourqois". I state that is a form of blue. He says "she is still wrong" and she ends up in tears.

I wonder if he would respond to something like: "Larlo, you really know your shades of blue! Can you teach Larla what the different shades are? You're a good teacher and I know Larla is a fast learner."

Larlo will have Larla play Legos but then she will honestly accidentally break something (because 5) and he will yell and scream at her.

And here I would try: "Oh you're frustrated. You were working really hard on that and now it's broken. Let's practice how to handle your frustration in a kinder way." Then coach him to say something like: "Larla, I'm so frustrated that you broke this!" or whatever. Then comfort Larla and say: "I know you didn't mean to break that honey." and just give her a hug.

Larlo will be watching a movie in the family room and larla will bring on 10,000 toys and play in there annoying him (despite having 4 other bedrooms, a living room, playroom,a basement and an entire yard to play in).

In this case, I would say to Larla: "Looks like you want to keep your brother company, but he's concentrating on his show right now. Come with me into the (living room/ bed room / whatever) and let's give him some space." Then I would physically enforce the space. He deserves to have some time on his own and she needs to learn to respect thta.

It just never ever ends. If one says white the other demands black. It is exhausting.

I hear you. My boys are 2 and 4 and are at it all day. It is one reason I was afraid to have 2 kids... I didn't want to be a referee all day long!

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
We have tried separating them, offering and doing 1:1 activities with each of them (preplanned, not as a reward) but then the second they are together again it is just not stopped.
Larla might say "I like that blue pillow". Larlo says "its not blue its tourqois". I state that is a form of blue. He says "she is still wrong" and she ends up in tears.
Larlo will have Larla play Legos but then she will honestly accidentally break something (because 5) and he will yell and scream at her.
Larlo will be watching a movie in the family room and larla will bring on 10,000 toys and play in there annoying him (despite having 4 other bedrooms, a living room, playroom,a basement and an entire yard to play in).

It just never ever ends. If one says white the other demands black. It is exhausting.

Um get a backbone and stick up for the younger one
“Larla is right. Turquoise is blue.”
“It was an accident and she said sorry. Stop screaming now and apologize or [appropriate and immediate consequence]”
“Larla can play here as long as she’s playing quietly. She not bugging you. Leave her alone or I’ll stop the movie”.

You can try everything that was suggested. It may work, it may not, and it might work in some situations and not others. The only thing that worked for our kids was time. I cannot remember if it was 6th and 8th grade or 7th and 9th grade but eventually the nonstop bickering just stopped. Instead, they defend one another (if one getting in trouble), and gang up on me and DH!

Anonymous wrote:Leave and go work it out. You have 60 seconds. If you don’t both come back with a fair solution, youlll both be punished.

This sucks! My mother did this and manipulative sibling took joy in getting me punished when he started the disagreement by choice and laughed and told me he was in charge. He was in charge and Mom chose not to parent.

Anonymous wrote:OP again,
We do approach each situation differently and i guess that may have been my overall question. It is like we are just puting out small fire after small fire.
The larger question is do we just ignore them all and let them figure it all out (if no one is injured etc) OR should we keep stepping in trying to difuse the situation before it starts or once it has? It just seems so useless since even teachable moments and tears by both result in ZERO change in behavior ever

OP, you've only put 7 years in so far! I mean, I'm kidding, but I think constantly repeating yourself and hope it sticks over time is the nature of the game.

Do they ever play nicely together? I try to roll my eyes at the bickering (my two oldest are 7 and 4) and praise extensively for the being nice. Also let them hear me talking about how happy it makes me to see them being friends, how much I value my sister’s friendship, &c. But basically if they’re annoying me I’ll separate them (or threaten to) and if they’re not I’ll just let them bicker until they either figure it out or someone gets tired of it and goes to do something else.