Test your 2 kids under fake names. The tests will come back if they are full siblings or half siblings.

If this were my situation I would go ahead and do the test. Finding out DH is the bio father means not worrying for years that maybe he isn’t. If he isn’t the bio father then you are armed with that knowledge moving forward. There will be times when your son will need to provide family medical history, and medical advice could hinge on those responses. Plus, there will undoubtedly come a day, maybe well in the future, when your son has a genetic workup out of curiosity, or when he is having a baby, or to determine what medication best fits him. That would be an awful way to find out a bombshell truth. He has a right to know who his bio father is, and you know that there is some question there. It’s your responsibility to obtain that clarity for your child, even if you wait until he’s older to tell him if his dad isn’t his bio dad.

Anonymous wrote:What if the one night stand is the daddy?
You assume he wants nothing to do with his child, but what if that changes?
Could he not get the courts involved and make life complicated for your family?
Seems like a can of worms.

But OP doing the test or not does not affect that. If he wanted to try to cause trouble, it's irrelevant whether OP has done the test and if he continues not to want involvement, again the test is not relevant. Anyway, assuming OP's husband signed the birth certificate and they were married at the time, i'm not even sure he has any grounds to try to get any paternity rights.

OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You're obviously going through a difficult time and you've endured a lot of trauma. You've already accepted responsibility for the past so don't beat yourself up for it. This behavior is typical of people who have been abused. You didn't learn how to take care of yourself. I hope you're making progress being good and loving to yourself.

At this point it would only bring more hurt to you and your family to continue to beat yourself up. I think you should look for some sort of counseling to help you with this decision. It can be really hard to just move forward not knowing but it's a big move to do the testing. Take care and hugs to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do a secret test when he is 18-19 and tell him the results if his father is not his bio father. At that time he will be in a better position to absorb the information and he may even potentially reach out to his bio father, who obviously may not give him a warm welcome. I would not do it before because once you know, you should tell him the truth.

don't do this... maybe when he is after 25 ... after his brain is fully formed.

The problem with waiting until 25 is that he could do a test himself between 18-25 and find out. That's not the way OP should want him to find out.

Anonymous wrote:can't imagine what the comments and reaction would have been if OP was a man confessing to an affair. good grief.

OP had already confessed the affair, her DH knows about it, including the possibility that the child is not his. This is about the sole question of whether OP should confirm paternity, which her DH has already said he doesn’t want to do. Try to keep up.

Anonymous wrote:It is odd one night stand guy didn't care if he was the father. He could be on the hook for 18 years of child support and most guys want to know if they have a kid.

He probably wants to shut this down now before it potentially progresses into child support payments.

can't imagine what the comments and reaction would have been if OP was a man confessing to an affair. good grief.

Do the test but do NOT tell son if he isn’t biologically your husbands. That is info you shouldn’t share unless you have to in the future.

Anonymous wrote:I would do a secret test when he is 18-19 and tell him the results if his father is not his bio father. At that time he will be in a better position to absorb the information and he may even potentially reach out to his bio father, who obviously may not give him a warm welcome. I would not do it before because once you know, you should tell him the truth.

don't do this... maybe when he is after 25 ... after his brain is fully formed.

It's very common for a person who has had childhood trauma to want to "stir the pot" when things are going well.

It sounds like you have a very good life, calm and secure.

You should discuss this with a therapist, the behavior is self destructive. You need to learn to recognize when you are being self destructive and stop yourself before you hurt people.

I would do a secret test when he is 18-19 and tell him the results if his father is not his bio father. At that time he will be in a better position to absorb the information and he may even potentially reach out to his bio father, who obviously may not give him a warm welcome. I would not do it before because once you know, you should tell him the truth.

What if the one night stand is the daddy?
You assume he wants nothing to do with his child, but what if that changes?
Could he not get the courts involved and make life complicated for your family?
Seems like a can of worms.

YES. Sorry it has potential consequences, but it is not the TEST that is responsible for those consequences. It is your past behavior.

Take the test, DON'T TRY TO KEEP THE RESULTS TO YOURSELF, and move on. Face the consequences, rejoice in the potentially good news, but take responsibility for your life decisions and face the consequences head on.

I think you need me re therapy, because you haven’t given up your self-destructive tendencies. Your marriage is stable and secure despite this information being out in the open, and that’s making you uncomfortable so you’re looking to destabilize your marriage.