Just remember that once a marriage is open, it's pretty hard to close it. And proceed accordingly,

There is tremendous pressure and expectation in our society to maintain monogamy. This is changing a bit. It sounds like with age your wife is coming into her own and society is becoming more open, and she's able to acknowledge her own wishes and ask for what she wants.

That's sort of amazing and I know it's a lot to ask, but maybe you can marvel for just moment at how brave that is of her. I say that as someone who has zero interest in polyamory or "ethnical non-monogamy," and who would be upset if her spouse asked for it.

Two observations that I offer as a neutral outsider. You are (1) blaming her for wanting something you don't; and (2) feeling inadequate when this is about her and not you. Neither of these are helpful to dwell on.

I completely understand this affects you hugely. Of course it's hard not to take it personally. But you cannot change how your wife feels, just as she can't and shouldn't shame or guilt you for how you feel about it.

Every single relationship is basically undertaken on a wing and a prayer. You have no idea if your spouse will die, become disabled in an accident--or simply whether the agreements you commit to early on (like monogamy) actually honor what you will want in the future.

It might take some time but my wish for you and your wife is that with compassion and love, and without heat, you can both be honest with each other about what you actually want and can willingly agree to. And then based on that, you see if you can continue and recommit to each other. It could go either way, but total honesty is the key.

FWIW, I don't think she's necessarily been having other relationships. Sounds like she's trying to come to you and work out what she wants. Doesn't mean you have to give it to her. But think for a minute about how courageous and risky it is for her to come to you with this.

OP, do you sense that she has exposed her undercarriage to the night air?, i.e., taken up with a paramour, yet?

If the OP and his wife married that young they probably didn’t understand the true commitment of lifelong monogamy. Not an excuse for her to pull the rug out from under him like this — she made her bed now she should lie in it. However, I do understand people change a lot in their 20s and 30’s. Also, find new friends. Or Jesus.

Im PP -- I'll add that there is nothing missing from my husband, he is awesome. It's really just about being attracted to someone else for who that person is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the pps who say she is cheating or is a sex addict. As a sexually adventurous couple who married young and has been married for a long time, monogamy can get boring and desire killing. It's a tough place to be if you are in completely different places about doing this. Maybe talk to a counselor together about how to move forward. I've seen non-monogamy save some marriages and tear others apart.

^^Why did you bother getting married?

At the time, as two women getting married was the clearest way to secure some initial rights for both of us to our child. It ended up being a very wise choice because it was a very scary birth and I was in surgery and then in recovery for a long time, but on the basis of the marriage my spouse was able to be with our child in the NICU. Marriage brings a lot of rights and protections.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the pps who say she is cheating or is a sex addict. As a sexually adventurous couple who married young and has been married for a long time, monogamy can get boring and desire killing. It's a tough place to be if you are in completely different places about doing this. Maybe talk to a counselor together about how to move forward. I've seen non-monogamy save some marriages and tear others apart.

And to be clear, by "move forward" I don't mean open your marriage up, but rather come to a decision you both feel like you can live with.

+1

She sounds like she is trying really hard to honest and ethical about what she wants. Cheaters just cheat. They don't ask for permission to cheat. They just do it.

If OP can't live with it, he can say "No." She will have to decide whether she can live with that "No" or not. Either he can live with non-monogamy or she can live with monogamy, or they can get divorced.

I agree with this. Fwiw I am similar to your wife -- in a wonderful marriage with freaky sex, have kids in elementary school, intrigued by open marriage. For me, as many of the posters guessed, I have been struck with a really strong attraction to someone. You wouldn't find it on my phone -- we don't email, text other than to boringly make plans a few times a month. My husband knows whenever I meet up with this guy, the things we talk about and the fact that there is a bit of a tension there. He can handle it so far. But, I really love my husband and truly don't want to leave him and don't want to lie to him -- I feel like lying would really destroy something precious about our marriage more than I feel like exploring someone else would. so the idea of an open marriage, done ethically and honestly, is intriguing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I thought so to so I checked our phone records and went through her texts, e-mails, and messages on facebook. Yeah, I know, it’s bad to snoop through your spouse’s stuff but she’s never given me cause before. I didn’t find anything other than her and her friend (the female of the couple we’re friends with) discussing open marriage. I read the whole conversation and she discussed a fear of lifelong monogamy and being bored. I was taken back by this because my wife and I have pretty freaky sex (anal, light bdsm, etc.) so why does she need “more?” I’ve learned she’s more wild then she let on when we first married at 22 and it’s been manageable for the most part, though I was a little weirded out the first time she asked me to choke her in bed. This just goes to far though:

This is happening because you made friends with people who engage in this behavior. Peer pressure is a real thing. You are who you make friends with. Etc etc.

Make wiser choices next time.

Take a break from seeing theses friends.

Honestly, I don’t know anyone who does this and it would weird me out to talk to my friends about sleeping around. Consentual or not, this is something I have zero interest in doing. How does this even come up among friends? Yuck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the pps who say she is cheating or is a sex addict. As a sexually adventurous couple who married young and has been married for a long time, monogamy can get boring and desire killing. It's a tough place to be if you are in completely different places about doing this. Maybe talk to a counselor together about how to move forward. I've seen non-monogamy save some marriages and tear others apart.

And to be clear, by "move forward" I don't mean open your marriage up, but rather come to a decision you both feel like you can live with.

+1

She sounds like she is trying really hard to honest and ethical about what she wants. Cheaters just cheat. They don't ask for permission to cheat. They just do it.

If OP can't live with it, he can say "No." She will have to decide whether she can live with that "No" or not. Either he can live with non-monogamy or she can live with monogamy, or they can get divorced.

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I thought so to so I checked our phone records and went through her texts, e-mails, and messages on facebook. Yeah, I know, it’s bad to snoop through your spouse’s stuff but she’s never given me cause before. I didn’t find anything other than her and her friend (the female of the couple we’re friends with) discussing open marriage. I read the whole conversation and she discussed a fear of lifelong monogamy and being bored. I was taken back by this because my wife and I have pretty freaky sex (anal, light bdsm, etc.) so why does she need “more?” I’ve learned she’s more wild then she let on when we first married at 22 and it’s been manageable for the most part, though I was a little weirded out the first time she asked me to choke her in bed. This just goes to far though:

This is happening because you made friends with people who engage in this behavior. Peer pressure is a real thing. You are who you make friends with. Etc etc.

Make wiser choices next time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The easiest time to say no is at the beginning, before she's involved with someone else. Just, 'no, this isn't what I want for my marriage.' And then she has to decide if it's important enough to her to end it. Better this than compromise and make rules that she's likely to resent later. I

This makes the most sense

Agree - but I'd also want to know, given she is pretty wild sexually, what is it about your sex life that isn't wild enough. If it's just monogamy in general there os nothing you can do about it. Good luck.

Can't the simple answer just be the need for variety? Sleeping with one person forever is pretty tough for many, thus why half of marriages end in divorce and half of the rest involve infidelity.

Not saying they have to open up, but most people find monogamy over the long haul to be very difficult to maintain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The easiest time to say no is at the beginning, before she's involved with someone else. Just, 'no, this isn't what I want for my marriage.' And then she has to decide if it's important enough to her to end it. Better this than compromise and make rules that she's likely to resent later. I

This makes the most sense

Agree - but I'd also want to know, given she is pretty wild sexually, what is it about your sex life that isn't wild enough. If it's just monogamy in general there os nothing you can do about it. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:The easiest time to say no is at the beginning, before she's involved with someone else. Just, 'no, this isn't what I want for my marriage.' And then she has to decide if it's important enough to her to end it. Better this than compromise and make rules that she's likely to resent later. I

This makes the most sense

The easiest time to say no is at the beginning, before she's involved with someone else. Just, 'no, this isn't what I want for my marriage.' And then she has to decide if it's important enough to her to end it. Better this than compromise and make rules that she's likely to resent later. I

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the pps who say she is cheating or is a sex addict. As a sexually adventurous couple who married young and has been married for a long time, monogamy can get boring and desire killing. It's a tough place to be if you are in completely different places about doing this. Maybe talk to a counselor together about how to move forward. I've seen non-monogamy save some marriages and tear others apart.

^^Why did you bother getting married?