Anonymous wrote:Why the h*ll do women even have kids anymore? No one is actually interested in being a mother. That includes shopping with your kids, et al. I treasured that time with my mom when i was growing up. I hated it when she went back to work (part-time) when i was 10.

I am a single mom so I have to work full-time (teacher, including teaching summer school plus tutoring). But if I had a supplementary income from a partner or trust fund or whatever, I would indeed work part-time and spend more time with my daughter. I spent so much of my life getting 2 advanced degrees that i waited til i was 40 to become a mom. I want every possible minute with her.

NP and I couldn’t agree with you more. I think I’ve had some of the best conversations with my kids just while being out and about.

Why the h*ll do women even have kids anymore? No one is actually interested in being a mother. That includes shopping with your kids, et al. I treasured that time with my mom when i was growing up. I hated it when she went back to work (part-time) when i was 10.

I am a single mom so I have to work full-time (teacher, including teaching summer school plus tutoring). But if I had a supplementary income from a partner or trust fund or whatever, I would indeed work part-time and spend more time with my daughter. I spent so much of my life getting 2 advanced degrees that i waited til i was 40 to become a mom. I want every possible minute with her.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

OP if you can afford it, this sounds like a good solution for your problem. Most of us can't afford a nanny/house manager and just have to do those things ourselves.

Anonymous wrote:Another strong vote for house manager! My DD & SIL have a great daycare and the other grandmother/not me picks my grandsons up from daycare early most days but with two busy jobs they were both working late into night after bedtime and catching up on weekend as the stresses from running household kept them running. They hired a house manager for 4 hours a day and its been a miracle. Both can focus fully on work while at work but now come home to meals prepped, house clean and organized, mail sorted and packages dealt with. I think its more than paid for by the strides they’ve both made in their jobs and their successes there. OP look at easing stresses on your time and you see if yiu can keep working FT.

Totally ridiculous comment that kids need to see parents do housework to become self sufficient. As more and more of us do the vast majority of shopping online, get groceries delivered and arrange for services online-what are kids supposed to observe? How well we navigate an app?

Nobody said kids need to see parents do housework, only that the comment that kids don't get any benefit from seeing parents do these things is patently untrue. Of COURSE kids see a benefit from learning how adults manage the day to day requirements of adult life - that's how they learn.

To answer your question, when it's time for a child to pick out a birthday gift, ask (or have your house manager) for his suggestions for his friend within a budget. Have him (once he's old enough to understand) sit down with you (or the house manager if that's what you have) and scroll through options on amazon - price checking, checking reviews for the particular toy. Obviously you don't have to do this every single time (!) but enough that he gets the idea that gifts don't just appear. A gift is supposed to be coming from him as the friend anyway - he should know what he is gifting!

Another strong vote for house manager! My DD & SIL have a great daycare and the other grandmother/not me picks my grandsons up from daycare early most days but with two busy jobs they were both working late into night after bedtime and catching up on weekend as the stresses from running household kept them running. They hired a house manager for 4 hours a day and its been a miracle. Both can focus fully on work while at work but now come home to meals prepped, house clean and organized, mail sorted and packages dealt with. I think its more than paid for by the strides they’ve both made in their jobs and their successes there. OP look at easing stresses on your time and you see if yiu can keep working FT.

Totally ridiculous comment that kids need to see parents do housework to become self sufficient. As more and more of us do the vast majority of shopping online, get groceries delivered and arrange for services online-what are kids supposed to observe? How well we navigate an app?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

+1 Family time isn't all quality time and bingo nights and reading by the fire together. Odds are your own kids will be expected to be equal spouses one day who can manage chores with his/her spouse, beyond supervising a house manager.

Kids do need to see adults resolving conflicts, price checking the cereal options at the store, menu planning, unclogging the drain and doing the routine less exciting parts of regular life.

Our kids see both my husband and I cook meals. Both my husband and I take care of the dogs. Both my husband and I fix things around the house. We don't price check food cereal but we're fortunate enough not to have to do so. Our kids get allowances and we talk about money and what things cost, but you're coming up with very specific items that you think need to be done, and I don't think that's the way the world works. If it makes you feel superior to think that people who have nannies who also help with household items are out of touch with reality, then ok. But that isn't the case, either for us or our many friends who have the same arrangement.

No one is feeling superior, but I think the flippant "kids don't derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift" needed to be challenged because actually yes, it's important for kids to see adults doing the everyday needed jobs and not to think birthday gifts just appear without any labor.

This is especially important for our sons, they can't just assume someone (often female, often under appreciated) will be doing these things behind the scenes for their behalf.

NP. I see your point, but if the answer is "don't outsource these activities, instead cut back on your career or quit so you can do them and model this behavior" - well that is clearly not the answer!

Not trying to be a jerk and I don't think that is what you are getting at, but the OP was trying to ask about cutting back on career vs. keeping up and outsourcing. And so a criticism of outsourcing doesn't address the career question. I don't think it's black and white - I have a career, we outsource some things, we split some things since we both work, I've made some concessions in my career to be around more and have flex, and so on and so forth. My kids see me working, and cooking, and cleaning up the kitchen, and they know our house cleaner comes every two weeks, and they see my DH do most of our cooking, and so on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

+1 Family time isn't all quality time and bingo nights and reading by the fire together. Odds are your own kids will be expected to be equal spouses one day who can manage chores with his/her spouse, beyond supervising a house manager.

Kids do need to see adults resolving conflicts, price checking the cereal options at the store, menu planning, unclogging the drain and doing the routine less exciting parts of regular life.

Our kids see both my husband and I cook meals. Both my husband and I take care of the dogs. Both my husband and I fix things around the house. We don't price check food cereal but we're fortunate enough not to have to do so. Our kids get allowances and we talk about money and what things cost, but you're coming up with very specific items that you think need to be done, and I don't think that's the way the world works. If it makes you feel superior to think that people who have nannies who also help with household items are out of touch with reality, then ok. But that isn't the case, either for us or our many friends who have the same arrangement.

No one is feeling superior, but I think the flippant "kids don't derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift" needed to be challenged because actually yes, it's important for kids to see adults doing the everyday needed jobs and not to think birthday gifts just appear without any labor.

This is especially important for our sons, they can't just assume someone (often female, often under appreciated) will be doing these things behind the scenes for their behalf.

I'm not the one who made the Costco statement, so I'm not arguing with you on that point, but I usually order birthday presents from Amazon, so they do kind of appear without a lot of labor. I mean, we'll sit down and look at the various items and my kids will pick something and then we'll order it and it'll show up. It does bother me a little that things are so immediate these days - I remember having to drive to Blockbuster and then if the movie you didn't want wasn't in stock you had to pick something else. Now they just click a button and everything they've ever wanted to watch will pop up. Because of that, I do work on instilling patience in them and making them appreciate that life isn't immediate, but the environment they're growing up in today fights that notion at every turn. I have girls, so I don't know if that changes my attitude (and I really appreciate you be conscious about raising your boys to be conscious of the invisible labor that is often done by women), but I guess I also think there's something pretty magical about being a kid that I want to keep around for mine. Like, we used to go to the pool and I never thought much of it. Now I realize how much work went into packing the pool bag with clean towels, making lunches, bringing sunblock, etc. On the one hand, I want my kids to remain kids as long as possible (and they're young, so perhaps my feelings will change), on the other hand, I don't want them being completely oblivious to everything. I guess it's just something to be aware of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

+1 Family time isn't all quality time and bingo nights and reading by the fire together. Odds are your own kids will be expected to be equal spouses one day who can manage chores with his/her spouse, beyond supervising a house manager.

Kids do need to see adults resolving conflicts, price checking the cereal options at the store, menu planning, unclogging the drain and doing the routine less exciting parts of regular life.

Our kids see both my husband and I cook meals. Both my husband and I take care of the dogs. Both my husband and I fix things around the house. We don't price check food cereal but we're fortunate enough not to have to do so. Our kids get allowances and we talk about money and what things cost, but you're coming up with very specific items that you think need to be done, and I don't think that's the way the world works. If it makes you feel superior to think that people who have nannies who also help with household items are out of touch with reality, then ok. But that isn't the case, either for us or our many friends who have the same arrangement.

No one is feeling superior, but I think the flippant "kids don't derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift" needed to be challenged because actually yes, it's important for kids to see adults doing the everyday needed jobs and not to think birthday gifts just appear without any labor.

This is especially important for our sons, they can't just assume someone (often female, often under appreciated) will be doing these things behind the scenes for their behalf.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

+1 Family time isn't all quality time and bingo nights and reading by the fire together. Odds are your own kids will be expected to be equal spouses one day who can manage chores with his/her spouse, beyond supervising a house manager.

Kids do need to see adults resolving conflicts, price checking the cereal options at the store, menu planning, unclogging the drain and doing the routine less exciting parts of regular life.

Our kids see both my husband and I cook meals. Both my husband and I take care of the dogs. Both my husband and I fix things around the house. We don't price check food cereal but we're fortunate enough not to have to do so. Our kids get allowances and we talk about money and what things cost, but you're coming up with very specific items that you think need to be done, and I don't think that's the way the world works. If it makes you feel superior to think that people who have nannies who also help with household items are out of touch with reality, then ok. But that isn't the case, either for us or our many friends who have the same arrangement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

I'm the PP you're quoting. We do still run some errands, like taking the kids to get new swimsuits and goggles before winter swim starts, etc. But we don't have to go to the post office/UPS to return Amazon purchases, for example. We have our nanny do the boring errands that just take time. Yes, sometimes our kids do those with us, but mostly we don't. I said we didn't have to worry about errands, by which I meant that we still run them, but we aren't trying to jam our weekends full of doing tasks like that because most of them have already been done. Also, I never said we don't clean or cook. We have a maid come once a week, so we otherwise have to keep the house clean the other six days, which means vacuuming up dog hair, cleaning the kitchen, making our beds, etc. Additionally, we cook most meals at home, so I don't know why you'd think we don't do that? As for laundry, our nanny doesn't do ours, only the kids, so we still do that on weekends. But throwing in a load or two is easy enough to do - it just takes a lot more time when it's everyone's clothes from the whole week, so we're lucky we don't have to do that. We don't treat our kids like they're the center of our universe - they know they're part of a bigger family, including our dogs, and that sometimes they have to do things they don't want to do because it just has to be done. But we're all happier that we don't have to spend our weekend time doing errands.

I would look into part time work and/or professional help before an au pair. I've just had too many friends unhappy with the au pair situation at least some of the years - like pp said, with managing cultural differences, restrictions on hours, teenage drama/dating issues, driving skills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

+1 Family time isn't all quality time and bingo nights and reading by the fire together. Odds are your own kids will be expected to be equal spouses one day who can manage chores with his/her spouse, beyond supervising a house manager.

Kids do need to see adults resolving conflicts, price checking the cereal options at the store, menu planning, unclogging the drain and doing the routine less exciting parts of regular life.

The idea of hiring someone to run your household and shuttle your kids around feels very Downton Abbey to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.