What does the fact that she’s adopted have to do with it? Was she raised Jewish, do they belong to a temple, has she been going to Sunday school? You don’t just wake up and decide to be Bat Mitzvah’ed.

I’m sure my son thinks we’re forcing him to go to Sunday School too.

(Asian American and Jewish here).

What are her reasons for not wanting one?

1. Performance anxiety?
My suggestion is to have a very low key one, perhaps a non-traditional one. Can a rabbi come to the house? Does it have to be in a synagogue?

2. Rejection of the faith? That is more serious.
Her parents should talk with a rabbi and a therapist.

This is another helpful read.

https://www.nacac.org/resource/the-personal-is-political-racial-identity-and-racial-justice-in-transracial-adoption/

I remember taking a sociology course by a highly regarded African American professor and he said he always rolls his eyes at all white people saying "I'm colorblind" and calling anyone who brings up a person's race, culture, etc as racist. Race matters. Looking different from those around you does affect a person.

When this child sits in temple she is surrounded by a sea of white people unless in a city like NYC where you see more interracial adoptions. Some kids maybe OK with this and some aren't. Some may be OK one year and not OK the next. If the child does not want to put in the extra hours being immersed in white land doing this then at the very least take the time to step back and evaluate.

Adoption is absolutely an issue in this. If it becomes say a matter of a child preferring to do Chinese school over Sunday school and the child is Chinese then allow the child to embrace his or her background.

If an African American child is happier at activities with more African American children rather than at your white church then I do think it is important to make the child's preferences a factor.

You can introduce your own religion and cultural activities, but yes, I think the child should have a voice in what they want to develop their own identity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was also wondering the same. Why mention that the kid is adopted, what does this have to do with bat mitzvah

When you go through the adoption process the social worker wants to make sure you will preserve the child's cultural identity as much as possible. The child's culture is supposed to supersede the parent's.

Never heard this.

Not so!!!! I also find it strange that OP is making this about the fact that the kid is adopted. If she is being raised Jewish, her adoption is a non issue . Yes we are supposed to expose children to their cultures but more important of course is recognizing that gbehvatd fully our children . Is this so different from any kid objecting?

My XH is Jewish. There are a number of adoptees among the kids of our DC’s generation and quite a few were transracially adopted, then converted as infants. For some of the kids having a b’nai mitzvah seems to be a purely religious decision, others just want the party because it’s a middle school popularity booster, and for some, it helps reaffirm a Jewish ethnic identity.

Obviously the kid should make the decision.

This is about a religious ritual, not an entire religion. There is nothing about a Bat Mitzvah that is necessary to a child's growth. I say that as someone who had one who has witnessed the over the top display these rituals have become. Why insist any child do this? it is not the same as insisting your kid be kind to others or insisting your child get educated so he/she can get a job. It had meeting in a very different time and place, when a 13 year old was taking on adult responsibilities. No child needs a 50,000 party and a film about their life to become a better person. The child is not rejecting the religion. The child does not want to participate in one ritual.

The responses on here though are fascinating. Nobody is questioning offering Judaism to the child, just pushing a ceremony that some question is not even that applicable to modern day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was also wondering the same. Why mention that the kid is adopted, what does this have to do with bat mitzvah

When you go through the adoption process the social worker wants to make sure you will preserve the child's cultural identity as much as possible. The child's culture is supposed to supersede the parent's.

That never happens
An adopted child belongs to the family that adopted. You do not get a foreign child, the child is your very own

There is no way to preserve a cultural identity that you have never been part of. You could have awareness of the culture.

Exactly. I have three children through international adoption. I have never been told by a social worker that my child’s cultural identity should supersede my own. I would t even know how to run my house since we’d have three different cultures, each with top priority.

As far as the original issue, I think as parents we force our kids to do a lot of things they dont want because we believe it is best for our child. This is no different. I am not Jewish and wouldn’t pretend that I fully understand the importance of a bat mitzvah. So I can’t say what I would do in the situation. But it sounds like her parents are acting out of love and that they know how their daughter feels. In the end it’s their decision and now that OP has said her piece, she needs to step back and let her nieces parents parent their child.

It's a complex issue. Some interesting articles on the topic:

https://www.brainchildmag.com/2013/06/adopted-childrens-cultural-identity/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4361487/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2398726/

So the key for OP is not that she is adopted or Chinese but that OP didn’t make her kids do it so others shouldn’t either.

OP your niece sounds like 99% of kids that age with any sort of religious obligation. Most parents force their kids to do it because that is what being a parent is — leading your child on a path which is right for your family. You and your brother have different paths for your children. One isn’t right or wrong. Their family. Their decision. You just get to sit back and not worry because she isn’t your child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was also wondering the same. Why mention that the kid is adopted, what does this have to do with bat mitzvah

When you go through the adoption process the social worker wants to make sure you will preserve the child's cultural identity as much as possible. The child's culture is supposed to supersede the parent's.

Never heard this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was also wondering the same. Why mention that the kid is adopted, what does this have to do with bat mitzvah

When you go through the adoption process the social worker wants to make sure you will preserve the child's cultural identity as much as possible. The child's culture is supposed to supersede the parent's.

That never happens
An adopted child belongs to the family that adopted. You do not get a foreign child, the child is your very own

There is no way to preserve a cultural identity that you have never been part of. You could have awareness of the culture.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was also wondering the same. Why mention that the kid is adopted, what does this have to do with bat mitzvah

When you go through the adoption process the social worker wants to make sure you will preserve the child's cultural identity as much as possible. The child's culture is supposed to supersede the parent's.

But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

This is an honest question: would a Jewish family who adopts a child whose bio parents are Catholic have to give their child a Catholic education?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL fully admit they are forcing their daughter from Asia to have a Bat Mitzvah even though there is no family pressure on either side to have one. The daughter makes it very clear she doesn't want it. I should also note they have both been great about making sure their daughter learns about her own culture too. They have taken her to events, signed her up for cultural groups and activities, encouraged friendships. However, chances are she is not a member of the very small sect of Chinese Jews in China so I just don't understand pushing an agenda she doesn't want. She has complained to me and they have complained about how they basically are bribing her to do it. I did suggest it may be helpful to find a family therapist savvy to these issues with adoption to sort this out. I am not an expert, but I don't see the point in forcing this even on a child who was born into a Jewish family. We didn't make our own kids do it.

So, OP, it sounds like you don't think your niece is Jewish. I know you think you are advocating for her, but I would tread very lightly because all the information you have presented here screams that you see her as different because she is not a blood relative, and that the only way she could be Jewish is if her birth parents were. Is it possible that she doesn't want a Bat Mitzvah celebration because she's constantly made to feel like an outsider?

OP responding. I didn't force my own kids to have it. I don't believe in forcing anyone to do these things, but yes, if she is not of Jewish descent and she prefers her own culture, then I do not think it is fair to impose a different culture on her.

I agree with this to a point. My question is: what religious education has been leading up to the bat mitzvah struggle? Have the parents made Judaism a part of her life from the adoption, or is this something they’re springing on her as they realize it’s prep time? She doesn’t have to have Jewish blood or be “of Jewish descent” to be a Jew, but if she doesn’t see Judaism as part of “her own culture,” there are family dynamics contributing to this idea.

Anonymous wrote:I was also wondering the same. Why mention that the kid is adopted, what does this have to do with bat mitzvah

When you go through the adoption process the social worker wants to make sure you will preserve the child's cultural identity as much as possible. The child's culture is supposed to supersede the parent's.