You are a good Mom and it sounds like you might have a good reason to be worried. Something seems to be going on here that may not be normal development or it could just be that something has affected your DD that she is trying to work out in her own way. The good thing is you are on top of it. You are the parent and every strong willed child needs a parent just like you-who cares and plans to do something about whatever comes your way. Please get her the help she needs. Even if she might be trying to work something out in her own way and under her own control, she needs help that a professional may be able to give her. Please call this number 1-855 382 5433 and explain what is going on. This is a great place to find help with resources when you have concerns. I am praying for you. your DD and your family.

Have you tried calling her on the Boy Who Cried Wolf example?

DD: My head hurts.
Me: I don't believe you. The last time you told me that you weren't telling the truth.
DD: But it reaaaaaaally hurts. I'm telling the truuuuuuth this time.
Me: I can't give you medicine if I can't trust you to tell the truth. It will just have to hurt this time.
DD: It huuuuuurts soooooooo baaaaaaad.
Me: Go lie down in your room until it feels better. (Walk away)
Any further protests are met with "Then go lie down until it feels better."

A little headache never killed anyone. Whatever you do, don't engage further. No emotion from you. Just shrug. It's her problem that you can't trust her, not yours. Give positive support for positive interactions.

https://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2017/10/02/552860553/when-children-begin-to-lie-theres-actually-a-positive-takeaway

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3788848/c

https://www.wsj.com/articles/childrens-lies-are-a-sign-of-cognitive-progress-1452704960

Good Lord! She doesn't have anxiety, she isn't a sociopath. Lying is a VERY normal stage in development and she's at the exact age for it. It's a good thing, albeit annoying. We don't need to pathogize every childhood behavior.

https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/everything-kids/lying-is-a-sign-of-healthy-development-in-kids-yes-really/

I'm gonna give a big thumbs DOWN for popular, non-evidence based parenting books like Lansbury and Markham. Those approaches do not give you what you need, which is a clear structure of positive behavioral incentives. If you're going to read a book, have it be Kazdin's Defiant Child.

"Peaceful parenting" and whatnot are bad advice, because they mix trying to connect with your child with the actual process of disciplining. That leads to weak discipline, which leads to the parent getting more frustrated, which leads to more attention to bad behavior, which escalates the bad behavior.

OMG your daughter sounds hilarious and awesome, which I think you know!

I recommend therapy with a qualified behavioral therapist. (Not play therapy or that nonsense.) You say you've tried a lot of different things, but I suspect (based on my own experience with might high-energy fellow) that you actually have not implemented the tactics with fidelity & structure.

As for the lying ... personally, maybe this is just me, but I would not focus on the lying per se, but on the tasks you need her to complete. That's where the therapy will help you set up structures. And yeah, you'll have to verify. But I would not necessarily punish for lying per se.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - such a huge thank you to everyone who has offered such helpful suggestions. After reading them, I see several places where I can tweak things - parenting style (yes I probably have been too hands off), reaction to her (more ignoring or making not a big deal of stuff in certain situations), etc. Also I am going to order some of these books ASAP. Getting DH on board will be another project . We'll see how it goes and based on progress consult with our ped. I'm feeling hopeful, thank you all!

Glad to hear that OP! Janet Lansbury’s blog Unruffled might also help with some quick ideas for how to tweak your reactions while you wait on the books

I’d take a two prong approach:
1. Lots of positive reinforcement when she’s good
2. Ignoring or withdrawing attention when she’s bad (avoiding any back and forth or arguing)

So at the first complaints about school or health, say “let’s talk to the professional” (dr/teacher). If she responds negatively, say “oh, this isn’t a big problem then” and ignore. In the toothbrushing example, verify, if she lied, immediate consequence (if I can’t trust you to tell the truth, then I can’t trust you to behave appropriately on the play date so you can’t go) and then ignore any backlash. Be consistent and calm and don’t let her get a rise out of you.

I will say, I’ve known at least one kid who was a compulsive liar at 5 (mostly bragging and random stories) and he’s grown into a lovely truth-telling 9 year old, so some of it is developmental.

This is OP - such a huge thank you to everyone who has offered such helpful suggestions. After reading them, I see several places where I can tweak things - parenting style (yes I probably have been too hands off), reaction to her (more ignoring or making not a big deal of stuff in certain situations), etc. Also I am going to order some of these books ASAP. Getting DH on board will be another project . We'll see how it goes and based on progress consult with our ped. I'm feeling hopeful, thank you all!

There’s a book called Ignore It that night have good ideas for you. Basically it sounds like a lot of attention-seeking/ over sensitivity to how others perceive her. Ignoring will help her get over her need to impress. Try to fill that by things that engage genuine connection. She needs to learn to feel satisfied with connection vs trying to get a strong reaction.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds smart and naturally machiavallian and probably will be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company someday. You might just have to embrace this.

No. She’s lying, manipulating others’ emotions, and falsely ascribing blame to people. OP is right to be worrried. I feel like this is being said because she’s a girl, and if a boy were displaying these behaviors, posters would be hinting he might be a sociopath.

OP, I would start with your pediatrician who might have resources for family counseling, helpful parenting books, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Psychiatrist. Pronto.

Op please do not listen to this poster who is either a troll or doesn’t have a lot of knowledge of mental health. Psychiatrists pretty much exclusively only prescribe medications now. They are not a first stop when having issues like this. If you want to see a therapist that’s great and then if there was ever any indication your daughter needed medication they would refer you from there. Nothing in your post makes it seem like that is indicated.

Psychiatrist. Pronto.

Pp from above sorry some things got out of order. Also want to say I would try the pep classes before therapy for your daughter. Sometimes parents having more tools in their toolbox can make a huge difference. It’s not that you’re a failure or doing everything wrong, it’s that sometimes we have to learn new ways to parent our specific kid. And also the behavioral approaches are pushed down our throats to make you feel like if you don’t have a consequence for everything you’re going to raise an out of control kid. This parenting gig is hard, but sometimes making a shift ourselves as a parent can make all the difference and is often more effective than the kid themselves going to therapy (though of course that can be helpful too). If pep isn’t an option than maybe a therapist who can help you and your partner (not sure if another parent was mentioned) but would just avoid a behavioralist one personally for this situation.

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like anxiety and also that emotional needs aren't being met -- doesn't mean you're a bad parent, just that DD needs something different. I do suggest therapy and also some books on "peaceful parenting.". Try Dr Laura Markham.

Also, you seem kind of hands off. My DD is 6 and I sit with her while she brushes teeth. Does she have the motor skills to do it herself, sure, but she won't do it / do a good job. I wonder if you are more in the mode of parenting an older child and forgetting that young kids need supervision to actually get something done.

+1 to the peaceful parenting. Op you are clearly a really caring mom, I think learning some different approaches besides just behavioral things like rewards/consequences could go a long way here. That approach is not working for your child and is inadvertently leading them to feel pretty crappy about themselves. I think with some different tools you could connect with her much better. And that’s also a big thing, try to think about focusing on connection - kids learn when they are connected. Here are some potential places to start:

I’ve heard great things about PEP classes: http://pepparent.org/
Read How to talk so kids will listen - will also provide you with some great alternatives to start. There is also how to talk so “little” kids will listen which is ages 2-7 I think but I know many who just read the regular one - that is the classic I think.

These were all really helpful for me in learning other approaches to just consequence/reward and helped bring a lot of peace to our house (and helped me understand my kid)
And then seconding Peaceful parent, happy kid by Laura markham.