Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Oh, and divorce threats happened before the marriage, “if you go back to school for X degree, I would divorce you.”

First threat early in marriage was because I asked for an apology for his bad behavior at a family event. I did nothing wrong. Almost left then. Should have.

Basically, the marriage never should have happened.

That threat, before marriage, would have been a deal breaker for me. Huge red flag of what's to come.

I was married 24 years and neither of us ever said divorce. When I finally did he knew it was for real and so did I. If my husband had said divorce at any point I am pretty sure I would have gone right out and gotten a lawyer and we would have gotten divorced. Who wants to live like that?

My husband threatens to leave sometimes but doesn’t. It’s an emotionally abusive tactic to constantly threaten abandonment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to speak for everyone, but I personally wouldn't throw that out unless I had truly considered it an option. So therefore, it would really scare me if my partner threw it out because I'd assume that meant they had considered it, and that really sucks.

I was thinking the same thing.
I would take a look at myself and try to figure out what I was doing that was pushing him to the nuclear reaction.

Threatening hundreds of times is one thing. That’s on him.
But threatening every two years probably means that I am doing something deeply upsetting to him, and I need to figure out what that is.

No. Just no. Please do not blame the victim. Threats of divorce repeatedly in a marriage are not normal. They are a form of emotional abuse and, probably, are being accompanied by other kinds of emotional abuse.

There is no reason for an adult human being to subject him/herself to this kind of emotional terrorism. It is designed to keep the victim unstable and "in line". To teach them to walk on eggshells and constantly be monitoring their own behavior for fear of "upsetting" the spouse. This kind of emotional control is a part of domestic abuse. Emotional abuse often progresses to physical abuse. I wish someone had told me that -- before my now Ex threatened to beat the crap out of me, he softened engaged in emotional abuse that was designed to make me think that *I* was responsible for his anger. But, as adults, we are each responsible for our own behavior.

I don’t see why a divorce from this person would even be a threat. Why would you want to be married to him? He sounds terrible.

I am going to assume that the person threatening is kind and thoughtful and an otherwise good person that you like being married to.
But maybe you are an alcoholic and they want you to go to rehab. Or you cheated, but you didn’t think it was a big deal. Or you refused to go to marriage counseling. Or you refuse to get treatment for your mental illness and you are making everyone else miserable. Or you have an unhealthy and enmeshed relationship with your mom.
These are the kinds of things that I can see coming up during a marriage that lead to one person considering divorce every few years, resolving enough to stay together, then resurfacing in a new way.
It is manipulative in that the person threatening is trying to get the other person to change or fall into line, but I’m not sure that’s always bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Oh, and divorce threats happened before the marriage, “if you go back to school for X degree, I would divorce you.”

First threat early in marriage was because I asked for an apology for his bad behavior at a family event. I did nothing wrong. Almost left then. Should have.

Basically, the marriage never should have happened.

I would not consider that a divorce threat. I would consider that information. For example, if I told a boyfriend that I would divorce him if he cheated, is that a divorce threat? No, it's information. I'm curious what you mean by getting a divorce threat in response to a request for an apology. Did he say, "I'm going to divorce you."? That's a divorce threat.

How about this before marriage:

"If you ever ask me to let your mother live with us, I will divorce you."

First threat due to asking for an apology after marriage:

"If this is how it is going to be, let’s just get a divorce now."

Last threat (over something not deserving of any threat of any kind and him throwing a temper tantrum":

"I want a divorce. I will move away and never see the kids."

He did not mean it. Doesn't matter though. Aside from this, bullying on everything in the entire relationship

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think of people who make multiple divorce threats in a marriage?

Starting early in the marriage... for no good reason. I said early on if divorce threats continued, I would be out. Marriage was bad anyway. The last divorce right that happened I said, “yes, we need a divorce” and he was actually surprised.

I’m just wondering how common that is for people who make multiple divorce threats to be surprised when the other person eventually says “OK, let’s get a divorce.”

Do some people just stay in the marriage despite multiple the best divorce threats no matter what?

This is ironically funny.

Why is it funny?

Because it was an empty threat.

Both of you missed the humor in the irony.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Oh, and divorce threats happened before the marriage, “if you go back to school for X degree, I would divorce you.”

First threat early in marriage was because I asked for an apology for his bad behavior at a family event. I did nothing wrong. Almost left then. Should have.

Basically, the marriage never should have happened.

I would not consider that a divorce threat. I would consider that information. For example, if I told a boyfriend that I would divorce him if he cheated, is that a divorce threat? No, it's information. I'm curious what you mean by getting a divorce threat in response to a request for an apology. Did he say, "I'm going to divorce you."? That's a divorce threat.

First time my husband tried this, I said, "the next time you suggest divorce, I will agree with you and proceed accordingly". I 100% mean it. I would NOT have tolerated multiple threats.

In a later, calmer discussion, he did agree that it was the wrong way to argue (he didn't actually mean it but said it as a threat because he was heated). He hasn't done it since.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think of people who make multiple divorce threats in a marriage?

Starting early in the marriage... for no good reason. I said early on if divorce threats continued, I would be out. Marriage was bad anyway. The last divorce right that happened I said, “yes, we need a divorce” and he was actually surprised.

I’m just wondering how common that is for people who make multiple divorce threats to be surprised when the other person eventually says “OK, let’s get a divorce.”

Do some people just stay in the marriage despite multiple the best divorce threats no matter what?

This is ironically funny.

Why is it funny?

Because it was an empty threat.

OP here.

Oh, and divorce threats happened before the marriage, “if you go back to school for X degree, I would divorce you.”

First threat early in marriage was because I asked for an apology for his bad behavior at a family event. I did nothing wrong. Almost left then. Should have.

Basically, the marriage never should have happened.

Anonymous wrote:Two things:
1. Divorce threat is a cry for attention/help/honest communication. I was the threatener so I know. But our marriage counselor shut down all mention of divorce so I could not mention it but it was always on my mind as an escape valve. Instead I wish we could have talked about what it would mean for us, and how we could avoid it. (We eventually did divorce.)
2. Rather than just ignore it or get mad, try suggesting a trial separation. That would have helped us.

We have had separate bedrooms for 5 years.

Anonymous wrote:Two things:
1. Divorce threat is a cry for attention/help/honest communication. I was the threatener so I know. But our marriage counselor shut down all mention of divorce so I could not mention it but it was always on my mind as an escape valve. Instead I wish we could have talked about what it would mean for us, and how we could avoid it. (We eventually did divorce.)
2. Rather than just ignore it or get mad, try suggesting a trial separation. That would have helped us.

1. It is a crappy way to call for honest communication. And really, if it's on your mind enough to say it, you're not just "crying for attention" you already have one foot out the door.
2. To me, "I want a trial separation" is just another way of saying "I want a divorce" (and a cowardly, avoidant one at that). Once you're out the door, we're done. Don't do that to "help your marriage" because it is a sign your marriage is beyond help.

Two things:
1. Divorce threat is a cry for attention/help/honest communication. I was the threatener so I know. But our marriage counselor shut down all mention of divorce so I could not mention it but it was always on my mind as an escape valve. Instead I wish we could have talked about what it would mean for us, and how we could avoid it. (We eventually did divorce.)
2. Rather than just ignore it or get mad, try suggesting a trial separation. That would have helped us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to speak for everyone, but I personally wouldn't throw that out unless I had truly considered it an option. So therefore, it would really scare me if my partner threw it out because I'd assume that meant they had considered it, and that really sucks.

I was thinking the same thing.
I would take a look at myself and try to figure out what I was doing that was pushing him to the nuclear reaction.

Threatening hundreds of times is one thing. That’s on him.
But threatening every two years probably means that I am doing something deeply upsetting to him, and I need to figure out what that is.

No. Just no. Please do not blame the victim. Threats of divorce repeatedly in a marriage are not normal. They are a form of emotional abuse and, probably, are being accompanied by other kinds of emotional abuse.

There is no reason for an adult human being to subject him/herself to this kind of emotional terrorism. It is designed to keep the victim unstable and "in line". To teach them to walk on eggshells and constantly be monitoring their own behavior for fear of "upsetting" the spouse. This kind of emotional control is a part of domestic abuse. Emotional abuse often progresses to physical abuse. I wish someone had told me that -- before my now Ex threatened to beat the crap out of me, he softened engaged in emotional abuse that was designed to make me think that *I* was responsible for his anger. But, as adults, we are each responsible for our own behavior.

THIS. If your husband hit you once every two years vs. every day, would you say the same thing? Of course not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think of people who make multiple divorce threats in a marriage?

Starting early in the marriage... for no good reason. I said early on if divorce threats continued, I would be out. Marriage was bad anyway. The last divorce right that happened I said, “yes, we need a divorce” and he was actually surprised.

I’m just wondering how common that is for people who make multiple divorce threats to be surprised when the other person eventually says “OK, let’s get a divorce.”

Do some people just stay in the marriage despite multiple the best divorce threats no matter what?

This is ironically funny.

Why is it funny?

Because it's a divorce threat, which is what OP is complaining about. OP thinks that bringing up the threat of divorce is worthy of mentioning divorce (I'm not debating the substance of that) and presumably OP's spouse thinks that whatever OP is doing is also worthy of mentioning divorce (I don't even know what has the spouse upset enough to mention divorce, so I'm also not debating the substance of that). Each person is doing the same thing (mentioning divorce).

I dated a guy who would shut down any disagreement with "well if you are so unhappy, maybe we should just break up". So he said it one day about 2 years in and I looked at him and said "that's a great idea". He was so shocked and bawled all the way to the door as I escorted him out. He was sputtering "but, whaaaat?! let's work it out". I kept saying "you suggested breaking up, I'm agreeing with you."

Don't make a threat you aren't ready to carry out!