Anonymous
Post 09/04/2019 09:10     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
It is really difficult to realize that you are basically meaningless and nothing you do can make your spouse happy. Nothing. But once you learn, and just be your best self, you don't have to feel responsible when your husband is moping around. Just do your thing, invite him along, and don't feel bad when he says no. He'll either shape up eventually, or you'll have a good time without him.

My husband was too busy for a vacation this summer. I was annoyed, but I went on vacation without him instead of letting that fester (although it fester a little, because I did feel hurt that certain work things were more important to him than me and our children. 12 weeks over the summer and no time for a vacation.) It isn't like he is in seasonal work, in which case I'd understand. You don't take a vacation in Sept-October if you run a cornmaze/haunted house.

Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 19:43     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Asking if he's happy is pointless. You need to start from a place where you know and acknowledge he's not happy, something like:

"I know you are not happy in this marriage, and I want to do everything in my power to change that. I am committed to making this work and here is what I am thinking ..."



Why? He's not even committed enough to making this work to tell her what he's feeling, so jumping to the part where she's telling him she's going to try to make him happy no matter what it takes is premature. For all you know, the answer is going to be "I'm unhappy because you're not 25 anymore, but maybe if you get your breasts done, I'll be happy again." You shouldn't commit to solving the problem, or even sticking around, before you know what it is.

And, btw, what about her happiness? Having a husband who has talked about leaving would make me pretty unhappy. She could tell him she's not happy with this marriage and offer to go to couple's counseling with him. That way, she's offering to engage in a process with him, not committing to solving something she likely can't solve.


Because it sounds like she wants it to work. Sometimes you need to let go of your pride in relationships and put it out there. I learned that the hard way.


I'm not suggesting she leave him tomorrow, I'm suggesting that instead of taking responsibility for his feelings, she propose a process where they both get to share what they want for this relationship. You can't care enough for two people to make a relationship work, is what I learned. I'm sure there are people at the other end of things who need different advice but if you start from talking about your husband being unhappy under circumstances that should and likely are making you unhappy as well, I think you need boundaries, not to offer to take more responsibility for your spouse's emotional state.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 18:10     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Asking if he's happy is pointless. You need to start from a place where you know and acknowledge he's not happy, something like:

"I know you are not happy in this marriage, and I want to do everything in my power to change that. I am committed to making this work and here is what I am thinking ..."



Why? He's not even committed enough to making this work to tell her what he's feeling, so jumping to the part where she's telling him she's going to try to make him happy no matter what it takes is premature. For all you know, the answer is going to be "I'm unhappy because you're not 25 anymore, but maybe if you get your breasts done, I'll be happy again." You shouldn't commit to solving the problem, or even sticking around, before you know what it is.

And, btw, what about her happiness? Having a husband who has talked about leaving would make me pretty unhappy. She could tell him she's not happy with this marriage and offer to go to couple's counseling with him. That way, she's offering to engage in a process with him, not committing to solving something she likely can't solve.


Because it sounds like she wants it to work. Sometimes you need to let go of your pride in relationships and put it out there. I learned that the hard way.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 17:43     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Anonymous wrote:It’s obvious he’s not happy, and I think you don’t want to ask him directly, especially while alone, because you know or are afraid of it the answer and would prefer hearing it with the support of a counselor.


I wouldn’t ask this wussy jerk a thing. He’s being all passive aggressive about it. F him.

Operate as if he is thinking of you like a roommate and recreate your life without him.

Next time he threatens divorce tell him you agree and that he needs to move out in 48 hours. You are sick of being ignored and not spoken to, and you don’t want that modeled for your young children.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 17:40     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Anonymous wrote:I've been down this path and it was less helpful than you would think. Someone who checks out and mopes a lot but doesn't talk to you about what's going on, get into therapy, or suggest couples therapy is also likely to someone who is not super self-aware or interested in working on your relationship. Opening the 'why is my husband unhappy' box meant getting to hear all sorts of crazy, terrible stuff about myself and our marriage, some of which contradicted each other day to day. My suggestions for how to fix things were shot down, because this wasn't actually someone who was interested in fixing things, otherwise...he already would have been trying to fix things. I hope it goes better for you. But if it doesn't, I hope you more quickly get from "I am responsible for my husband's emotional state" to "my husband is the only person who can help himself, and there's only so much unpleasantness I will willingly subject myself to."


Start taking care of yourself, hanging out with friends, building a good relationship with your children, working hard at the office, and talk to some lawyers about your spouses divorce threats so you are ready.

Get stronger, get off the defensive. He is trying to destabilize you and control you.

I don’t know what the underlying issues of this marriage problem is, but it could just be he’s a jerk and not husband material and is too selfish. He prefers to quit and live a simple single life.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 16:23     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
It’s obvious he’s not happy, and I think you don’t want to ask him directly, especially while alone, because you know or are afraid of it the answer and would prefer hearing it with the support of a counselor.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 16:10     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Anonymous wrote:Asking if he's happy is pointless. You need to start from a place where you know and acknowledge he's not happy, something like:

"I know you are not happy in this marriage, and I want to do everything in my power to change that. I am committed to making this work and here is what I am thinking ..."



Why? He's not even committed enough to making this work to tell her what he's feeling, so jumping to the part where she's telling him she's going to try to make him happy no matter what it takes is premature. For all you know, the answer is going to be "I'm unhappy because you're not 25 anymore, but maybe if you get your breasts done, I'll be happy again." You shouldn't commit to solving the problem, or even sticking around, before you know what it is.

And, btw, what about her happiness? Having a husband who has talked about leaving would make me pretty unhappy. She could tell him she's not happy with this marriage and offer to go to couple's counseling with him. That way, she's offering to engage in a process with him, not committing to solving something she likely can't solve.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 15:29     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
"Emotionally invested" -- as a guy, I will tell you that the emotions follow the dick. If he is getting lots of enthusiastic sex from you, then he is probably "emotionally invested" in you. If not, then that is how to "make the marriage happier" (at least from his perspective).
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 15:25     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Asking if he's happy is pointless. You need to start from a place where you know and acknowledge he's not happy, something like:

"I know you are not happy in this marriage, and I want to do everything in my power to change that. I am committed to making this work and here is what I am thinking ..."