Anonymous
10/10/2019 13:22
Subject: Balancing custody with older kids
It is really hard. Teen boys often just want their dads.
A friend of mine was in your situation. Her ex who had also cheated on her and then married the secretary after an oops pregnancy.
He wanted to flit in and out and came and went as it suited him and his 'new' family. By the time the son was 14 he just wanted to hang with his dad. Dad didn't really ever parent, he was a cool friend but her son needed that cool friend / dad. It infuriated my friend who tried to reinforce things and explain to teen what was what. 14 year old didn't care. He wanted any time he could get with cool dad. It caused a rift in both my friend's relationship with her son and her ex and it led to her being on the outs. The two of them against her. This was devastating to her as she had done 99% of the parenting. At 16 her son left and moved in with dad. That was rocky too but he stuck it out. At 18, he got a car and told my friend he would move back home if he was allowed to see his dad whenever he wanted and she didn't ever criticize his dad. He told her his perception had been that he had no choice but to live with dad (even though he would rather have lived with her) because he saw her as trying to keep him from his dad and judging his dad. Divorce is hard on teens. Parents are human and it is normal for them to want their kids to really understand and to care about how they feel but most teens don't care about that. They just want a relationship with both parents - whatever that is and to figure it out on their own.
A friend of mine was in your situation. Her ex who had also cheated on her and then married the secretary after an oops pregnancy.
He wanted to flit in and out and came and went as it suited him and his 'new' family. By the time the son was 14 he just wanted to hang with his dad. Dad didn't really ever parent, he was a cool friend but her son needed that cool friend / dad. It infuriated my friend who tried to reinforce things and explain to teen what was what. 14 year old didn't care. He wanted any time he could get with cool dad. It caused a rift in both my friend's relationship with her son and her ex and it led to her being on the outs. The two of them against her. This was devastating to her as she had done 99% of the parenting. At 16 her son left and moved in with dad. That was rocky too but he stuck it out. At 18, he got a car and told my friend he would move back home if he was allowed to see his dad whenever he wanted and she didn't ever criticize his dad. He told her his perception had been that he had no choice but to live with dad (even though he would rather have lived with her) because he saw her as trying to keep him from his dad and judging his dad. Divorce is hard on teens. Parents are human and it is normal for them to want their kids to really understand and to care about how they feel but most teens don't care about that. They just want a relationship with both parents - whatever that is and to figure it out on their own.
Anonymous
10/10/2019 11:50
Subject: Balancing custody with older kids
Yeah you need a schedule.
Anonymous
10/10/2019 11:25
Subject: Re:Balancing custody with older kids
I would sit the boys down and explain what it's like to be the parent in charge and what it's like to have the mental burden of scheduling appointments, managing pick-up/drop-off, thinking about meals and laundry and clean-up all the time, for three people. That you are the real parent right now, and that all you want is a little respect of your time and effort.
They're going to hear this like the "adults talking" sound in Charlie Brown. Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa. In one ear and out the other.
Relax. No need for lectures. Trust me, your kids will notice who does everything. Hectoring them about "I do everything, your dad does nothing!" just makes you the bad guy.